My friend has bi-polar so this comes from my experience. She has commented that she uses her friends/boss to help spot her bi-polar. I think that you will get this advice as well. What I never see mentioned is that the bi-polar person isn’t the only one to have bad days. My advice to susan is to make sure that you regularly ask your husband how he is, how he is feeling and listen to him. I think a lot of bi-polar people lose their friends because the relationship becomes so one sided. I am always checking on my friend and she never reciprocates. One sided relationships are doomed.

I also suggest you watch how you refer to your “mania”. It may feel good and you will want to run around saying how great mania is but know when you are all happy your spouse is in extra dread for the other shoe to drop. We don’t like mania…we hate mania.

As for me I have other friends and I do see a pattern where I seek out self centered folks because they remind me of my parents. Although pls note just because you have bi-polar doesn’t mean you need to be self-centered. Write your self a note to remember to ask about the other person as equally as you want to be asked about if you can’t remember or take a hard look at yourself if you haven’t said “hey how are you?”

Well I hate to be the wet blanket, but my wife was where you are about two years ago. Then she began a slow process of backsliding. She started questioning the diagnosis, and decided (hypomanically) that she could manage the illness through lifestyle factors alone, and that she wasn’t really bipolar anyway.
Then she got really depressed and spent about three months mostly in the bedroom in the darkness with the blinds closed. So, if I had anything to say, it’s that you have to be in this for the long haul… years. It’s not enough to say today that you want to be better, and you want to manage your illness. You have to have the same attitude in one year, two years, three years from now.
Sounds tedious doesn’t it? But that’s what it will take.

Its been a nice blog CANDIDA FINK MD i really like the content of it..

David,

My wife is in the BP denial stage, manic, and moved out, 7 years after DX’d BP-1.

The pills have been horrible for her, I know. Like you said, horrible thought, but without managing the illness there is a hell of a lot of suffering in store for the one with the disease and those that love them.

Managing doesn’t have to be strictly western-society prescription meds either - there is good success with trytophan deficient diets for stopping mania. That said, IMO, I think you should be stable on meds before switching them.

My thoughts are with all of you who are touched by this disease.

I have a suggestion that may help Susan gain some insight on the pitfalls of bipolar disorder, as well as the repercussions of not staying on carefully monitored medications and not getting the support - professional and personal - she needs. I’m referring to my recently released biographical novel, Broken Saint. It is based on my forty-year friendship with a bipolar man, and chronicles in great detail his internal and external struggles as he battles for stability and acceptance (of himself and by others). More information on the book is available at http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BrokenSaint.html.

Mark Zamen, author

Hi Susan. I am 23 years old and I am on the other side of the relationship. My husband is Bipolar and he has been in and out of psychiatric wards since April. We will celebrate our 2 year anniversary this week. He was a full time graduate student and got kicked out of school for his actions while he was manic back in April. He was also hospitalized last year because of a suicide attempt. I agree with attempting to prevent the relationship from being one-sided. From my perspective, I have had to take care of all of our finances, which involved moving all of our belongings out of our apartment because I can’t afford it on my own, not to mention the thousands of dollars in medical bills that we owe from him being in 4 mental hospitals this year.

It is very difficult for us as the spouse because we are told that the relationship can not even be evaluated before the illness is treated. I am glad to know that you are compliant to stay on your meds and you are reaching out for help. My advice to you would be to just stay as healthy as you can without making every day centered around your husband helping you maintain your mental health. Right now, I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, not to mention sexually frustrated, financially stressed out, and I have no idea what our future holds.

I just know that every time I go to see my husband in the hospital that I put on my best face, and I try to be as positive as possible, because if I do not, then he becomes depressed, but there will be times when I am going to need him to be there for me also.

To make a long story short, just be there for your husband. Be grateful that he is supportive of you, and just try to let him know that he can depend on you too when times get tough.

You are definitely on the right track, and I wish you all the best.

I was dx bi-polar two years ago and have been hospitalized once in an acute psychotic state (fun) and once voluntarily in order to work on situational issues.

I am finally stable on medication and I feel very much like a stepford wife most of the time. My husband had an affair which is what triggered the initial episode and when medicated I behave as he wishes me to behave. He would prefer that we put it behind us and move forward. I feel there is unfinished business to be discussed. I aquiess when medicated.

Recently I went out of town and due to change in schedule I missed three doses of meds, slept less well and began to have some BP symptoms upon my return home. I was gone only five days.

I discovered that my need for discussion of undisclosed issues were still present, my anger returned and then quickly diminished or rather became managable again, after meds kicked back in a few days after resuming therapy.
Aside: I also began painting again and have missed it so much.

Does this mean that my need for resolution of affair issues and my need for my art will reqire sacrafice? Simply because I become so angry when not on meds? This really sucks!

I lived misdiagnosed as “major depression, recurrent” for 20 years, then correctly dx bipolar four years ago. That misdiagnosis caused so many problems, I could write my own book about it. There are two things that I had to “put on my big girl panties” and decide. One was that I had to make the decision that this was a lifelong thing I was going to have to accept and if I wasn’t living well, I could not expect anyone else to live with me. So getting myself in a healthy state came first.

Two, because my husband and marriage are the most important things in the world to me, I had to make some hard decisions to do things I was very uncomfortable doing. For a long time, I have always been a homebody, prefering to learn whatever I needed to know from books or the internet. During my most recent (and longest) hospitalization and outpatient followup for depression, I admitted that I cannot do this alone anymore. I need people to help me. I need my peers to help me. And my husband needs support, too. It sounds like Susan could benefit from this, also. I learned what my triggers are from outpatient group therapy. I learned how hard it is on spouses and other loved ones from outpatient group therapy. I learned so much from group therapy and made so many friends it really shocked me. I have always been a loner. A happy loner. I don’t dislike people, I simply have a lot of hobbies that keep me at home. Now that therapy is over, I am seeking out community support groups for myself and my husband. Will probably be different groups for each of us. But I have learned that I cannot do this alone and it is so much better when I don’t.

While it appears that this thread is geared towards helping Susan, I am selfishly crying out for help (sorry Susan). Where to start???

I am engaged to a wonderful man that epitomizes everything that I could ask for in a life partner. So here is the catch; After the 2nd and most recent time he called off our engagement/wedding (Did I mention we’ve only been engaged for about 2 months?) and told me I should “Find someone with less baggage and start fresh” (Which he says he doesn’t even recall saying), days later he finally admitted to me that not only does he suffer from PTSD (He served in Iraq), he is also Bipolar. He went on to state that he hadn’t told me because he was afraid that I would leave him. Because I know that he is the man for me, and had made a conscience decision to marry him in sickness and in health, I decided to stand by his side and deal with it 1 day at a time.

It’s been just under a week since he told me about his diagnosis, and I have been consuming SOOO much information about Bipolar Disorder (My next charge will be PTSD; 1 thing at a time), and am plagued with even more questions. In my reading it has become apparent that for most if not all of the people I read about, that medication of some form is necessary to stabalize behaviors/mood swings. My concern is that my fiance has expressed a deep disdain for taking medication, stating that he does not want to be medicated. As a person who generally practices a holistic approach to dealing with illness, of course I agreed that we could battle it without meds. Now I’m questioning if this was the best decision.

He says that when he’s alone it’s worse, and constantly questions my commitment to him and whether or not I’m seeing someone else. It’s painful to endure this line of questioning on a regular basis. Since he is currently deployed, I assumed that this was a typical topic of concern for military personnel and their significant others. Now I’m wondering if it is because of 1 or both of the disorders. He has drastic mood swings, including extreme highs (no abusive behavior as far as money or substance), and unwarranted elevated irritation. These mood swings are hurtful and emotionally consuming for me.

The worse part is that he is currently over seas until Aug. 2010, and has expressed to me that he is planning to retire from the military. After having already served almost 10 years, he has 10 more to go to receive full retirment benefits. While I understand his desire to secure a future for our family (he has 2 children from a prior marriage, and we are planning on having no more than 2 more) I can’t help but wonder what, if any, effects this decision and possible deployments may have on us long term considering his conditions.

I want to continue to be supportive to him, which is why I’m reaching out for advice/guidance/help/information so that I may be as big a tool for success for him as possible, while keeping myself emotionally and mentally healthy as well.

Patiently Awaiting Assistance,
Becky

i am dx with ptsd and bi polar. im only 17 years old. my dad molested me from 2-9 years of age. my parents (mom and step dad) were in dinial. they didnt want to believe what happened to me. my step dad went to jail when i was 11 for phisaclly abusing me. he did that for a few years. my mom has severe depression. she never really had anything to do with me. they put me in temperary foster care for the summer when i was 14. im not racist a bit but i lived in a house with about 17 black girls and boys. i was always made fun of because i was white and i was treated somewhat like a cinderella. the government told my mom she had to take me back or the state would take over and i would be in pernament fostercare. at 15 my mom and step dad had my little brother and kicked me out to go move with my real dad. (yes the one who molested me) his girlfriend got jelous(??? i know) and thought we were having sex??? so she made him kick me out to his cousin who just got out of prison for two years. he was 27 when i was 15. i got raped by him and two other men. i ran away and bounced from friend to friends houses and sheds. even slept in a park slide. this happened untill about 6 or 7 months after i turned 17. then i starting dating this guy i grew up with and always had a major crush on. ive been with him for almost 2 years now and he recently has been breaking up with me a lot. saying im psyco or crazy. i try to explain to him whats wrong with me but he never understands. he doesnt understand why i cant stop it when i go into outbursts. sometimes its even so bad that i dont even remember what i did during the outburst after i calmed down. he has a lot of problems of his own. im not sayin i want him to deal with mine i just want to know how i can make him understand. everyone tells me its not worth it im still young and ill find someone else but i know i want to spend the rest of my life with him. hes been my bestfriend my whole life my first kiss first love i lost my verginity to him. and i know he loves me with all his heart he just cant take my mood swings. i try to prevent them but i cant afford theropy or meds. so i have no idea what to do. hes the only person my whole life that i can tell really cares about me. i dont want to loose that.

can someone please give me some advice???

=[

I seem to find myself stumbling upon blogs and discussions concerning peoples stories on dealing with Bipolar. I am one of those people.
I have been married for nearly seven years and my marriage to my beautiful wife was rocky from the start. She had been married before and had a seven year old son. I noticed slight things that made me question her behavior but I racked it up as someone who was very opinionated and had a slight temper. Then we started arguing alot when we decided to get married.
There were many stressors we were dealing with financially, but a couple of months before the wedding she slapped me, during a discussion about money. It was in a public parking lot. I thought to myself, what the hell is this?
Needless to say, I swept it under the rug, and that I should have never done.
Yes there were many times of laughing and being intimate, but the first 5 years of being married to my wife were complete hell on earth. I suffered back surgery due to the overwhelming emotional stress I felt during those years.
The behavior was so radical that I did not know what to do. She would take her son and just leave sometimes when she was mad at me. Many times abusive, many man many times, largely emotionally and mentally.
I was feeling out of control until after the many times she abandoned me, treated me horribly, verbal assaults and sometimes physical, I could not take it any more. Counselors were a dime a dozen and did nothing for us because I wanted to be free from the hell I was in.
3 months went by and I stayed with my parents. We eventually began talking on the phone again until one day in her desperate and pleading voice of wanting to work things out, I went home.

We sold our house and moved. I had gone through hell but was willing to start over with the woma I vowed a life with. She was holding insecurities in however. During my time away, well even before, I started smoking again and even smoking pot. I told her the truth, that what my life had become was constant search for escape from her madness. She accepted and we tried to move on.
Only to come to a realization that she felt she was always walking on pins and needles around me, that anytime I could split again. We had many arguments in the new home about her feeling uneasy about what I had done during our marriage. It never involved conversations of what she had done, but more focused on how I also played a part in her madness never standing up for myself and lying to her about my own depression. Those years were truly ruled by fear for me.

Then one year of being in the new home, she left her job of 7 years and wanted to start a new career in fitness, she was already a personal trainer from the past and now she found a gym to work in. We had a big huge mortgage in the new house but I was making great money. Still, I wanted to live within a budget, she did as well but her budget had many flexible and bendable rules;-)
Then I noticed she began to become stressed at work. Her boss was always asking so much of her and she hated the sales side of the business. Then nearly a year into working there she was so stressed out she quit. Thats when she went into her depression. Her family doctor examined and prescribed antidepressants. She seemed to become clearer. This doctor mind you, knew her history of postpartum pshycosis during her childbirth in her first marriage. She also gave her an anti anxiety medication to help her sleep.

She started working small hours in different gyms and then decided to open up her own business dealing in nutrition. She was great at it. She had stopped taking her medication as she was feeling she no longer needed it. Then her clients began to stress her out and there we were back again at the doctor. Now this is two years of depression on and off again on meds. Our marriage still going through the motions of uncertainty and insecurity on both parts. Her anger was not as explosive but when she got mad she made you know it by making you feel small.

Anyway, one day she get a job she is extatic about. Happier than I have ever seen. In a field that she never thought she would ever be in, nurses aid. She went through some training but nothing major. Her experience with problematic children and also fitness qualified her to help them with elderly patience dealing with physical ailments, ect…
I began to see her joy from working as something extraordinary. I had never seen her so excited. I was happy but curious. Then she started getting anxious and stressed and er “low’s” began to become filled with anger and rage. Until one day during an altercation with an employer she was crying hysterically that she bolted from an appointment she had at a salon and had a huge panic attack. An ambulance was called by someone seeing her collapse on the street falling out of her vehicle. I arrived at the ambulance location after they called me. I observed her laughing and giggling with EMT’s and observed her sobbing as well.
When we got in the car she said, “get me the hell out of here…those people at my job are going to pay!”
That’s when I knew something was not right. She became so hysterical in the car that she almost kicked out my drivers window.
Anyway, long story short….she was hospitalized in the pshyc ward for 17 days. During those days it was an up and down rollercoaster of trying this med and that med, this side effect and that side effect. Until one day in meeting with the head of the unit looked at me and said, “You can take your wife home, there is nothing wrong with her she is like a computer, just hit the restart button and go.” Many questions arose after that statement but he had all the answers. No medication or followup was needed. She was on antidepressants and other medications that through her into a whirlwind combined with stress he told me. Eliminate stress, you eliminate the problem.

It took one week of being home that she began to feel better and all thee drugs working out of her system. She was speaking to me fluidly and clearly. Then it happened, the incident that started the collapse of it all. Our dog crapping in the yard and I calmly said to her don’t let him go there, let him go where he always goes. Then I saw her change, her old face of anger was back and her verbal abusive self had taken over. Needless to say it stirred every emotion in me and that morning in a state of shock I left and went to my parents.

She of course screamed at me on the phone telling me I abandoned her,ect…then she would calmly call me and ask if I was ok…I told her to just give me some time and leave me be.

That was toward the end of july. During that time she has become so volatile and on her own mission of getting back at doctors and banks (LONGER STORY) that she ended up with restraining orders against her from the hospital she was a patient at, being arrested and sent to jail and now being re-commited into the pshyc ward of another hospital. FINALLY DIAGNOSED AS BIPOLAR.

In summation, my wife has opened up her own bank account from in the hospital and drained our money. She has started a new relationship with a 21 one year old bipolar patient and does not want to talk to me. She hates me right now. I know this is all part of the illness and I will never hold in contempt of that. But what I need and have needed for so long now is to be free of this marriage and I am taking steps in doing so.

I know one day, out of her manic state, she will come to see the relationships she has destroyed. Most importantly the fear that has been instilled in her son who is now 15. Lost and looking for his mom, I pray she comes home within her mind and back to him soon.

God bless you all going through this, both as the observer and the patient. Remember one thing, be kind to yourselves no matter what, we are only human after all, not computers.
-PeterBGood

i have a 23yr.old daughter with bipolar and a 2 yr. old grandson. she has been dealing with this for several years and the last year has been the worst. she left her husband and has been having terrible mood swings. we have been fighting to get her meds and i have been caring for my grandson more and more these days. she tells me that she just can’t. the catch is she drinks alot and doesnt think this effects her BP. i have read and printed so many things for her! help please tell me that once she is on her meds things will get a little better.