Shelli Asks…

My ex refuses to believe that our son is bipolar. He insists that our boy tried to choke his half-sister to death and that our son speaks of his “evil-other side” but he fights with me about giving the boy medication. Could he be so stupid as to think our boy is just mean? Since he is medicated he is a calm and kind teenager. Have you ever heard of one of those? The ex even commented one time that our son was “like a different child” when he was visiting after he started his Seroquel but still refuses to believe the diagnosis. What can I have him read or look at to help with his disbelief?

Dr. Fink Answers…

Chapter 18 of Bipolar Disorder For Dummies is all about bipolar in children and adolescents. In that chapter, we point out the fact that parents often disagree about the diagnosis and treatment:

“Parents often disagree about the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the necessity of medication in kids. Media images of psychiatric medication and the stigma associated with mental illness can weigh heavily on parents’ minds as they make difficult choices. If a parent has bipolar disorder, her personal experiences may color the decisions about treating her child. And if parents don’t see eye to eye, the child often gets caught in the middle.”

I run into similar situations all the time. Acknowledging psychiatric illness, understanding it, and accepting treatment are influenced by numerous factors – cultural and familial beliefs and expectations, personal history with mental illness in oneself or one’s family of origin, as well as fear of the unknown are common sources of such rigid responses to the idea of mental illness in oneself or a loved one. Parents bring all of these issues to bear on how they respond to illness in their child. Conflict in this arena is to be expected.

Has your ex spoken with your son’s doctor? That seems to be the most logical place to begin. The doctor can explain how he or she arrived at the diagnosis, how the medication(s) can help, possible side effects of the medication, and some of the negative long-term issues that may result if you son does not receive proper treatment.

Obviously, from what you wrote, your ex acknowledges that the medication is helping. That’s a hopeful sign that maybe your doctor and you and perhaps even your son can help you build on. As long as your ex is willing to work with the treatment plan, whether or not he can acknowledge the illness is less important – at least in the short run. It will be valuable for your son to know that both parents understand him and don’t blame him for his symptoms – but that may be a much longer process with his dad.

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    Last reviewed: 13 Feb 2009