Syndicated from the Bipolar Blog
I grew up in a household with mental illness in a parent. The illness was never fully identified or named, yet it decimated our family life. I was enormously relieved to realize, over time, what was going on in my family when I was growing up. It helped me understand my parent more and to tell my family story in a way that is less judgmental and critical and more compassionate – toward my parent with mental illness and toward me and my siblings and my other parent. As a professional and as someone who lived with this, I feel strongly about the need for honest, open communication in families when a parent is struggling with mental illness.
The battle to fight stigma in the outside world is important but can’t be done without first facing it at home.
Growing up with a parent with mental illness impacts children at many levels, but too often the effects on children and the children’s responses are pushed to the side. Sometimes there is simply no time or energy left in the family system after taking care of the parent who is struggling with mental illness. More often, it is simply too hard and too scary to deal with.
In my practice, I treat mostly children and adolescents – but in some situations I have also worked with the whole family – including a parent with mental illness. And even when I treat just the child, there is often mental illness in the family as well. The challenges to children in this setting grow from every facet of the illness – from the genetic vulnerability to illness to the affected parent’s emotional skills and availability throughout the child’s development; from drained financial resources to the non-affected parent’s exhaustion and grief; from instability and conflict in the home to stigma in the community and often extended family.
To manage the risk factors and mitigate potential difficulties, the first step is to identify the presence of the illness and put the problem on the table for discussion. Without taking this step, families talk in circles and euphemisms – such as “Mommy is having a tough time today” and “Daddy is just not feeling himself.” This limits opportunities to solve problems and deal directly with the full range of emotions.
Several factors may contribute to a family’s inability to take the first step of identifying and discussing the situation:
All of these situations create enormous difficulties for families trying to start a conversation about mental illness with their children.
In working with families who are trying to talk to their children about mental illness in a parent, I rely on two principles – transparency and developmental appropriateness. Transparency (openness) and honesty are essential for any conversation to work. Too much beating around the bush or “reframing” will not work – kids are perceptive, and they know when things aren’t right. Telling them that a parent is “tired” or “having a hard time” will fly for only a short period of time. If the symptoms of mental illness are impacting the family, then the fact that it is an illness and it is real needs to be clear.
Kids can spend a lot of time trying to figure out what they have done wrong to bring on the illness or what they should be doing to fix things. We need to be very clear with kids that they aren’t at fault and they aren’t going to be able to fix it.
Within transparency, though, is the necessity for using developmentally appropriate language and concepts. You will talk differently to a seven-year-old than you will to a teenager. The younger the child, the more general the discussion needs to be. Above all, parents want to practice listening to their children about this as much as talking to them about it. We want to make it safe for kids to ask any question they may have or express their own feelings about what is going on. A primary goal is to reduce stigma in the intimate family setting. The battle to fight stigma in the outside world is important but can’t be done without first facing it at home.
Understanding that the parent is not the enemy – but the illness is – changes things completely and evolves into a more helpful and therefore hopeful story.
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How to Treat Bi Polar Depression | Depression Treatments & Cures (December 16, 2008)
I grew up with my mom having bi-polar only it was not diagnosed until I was 20. But all we knew, my sister and I, that growing up, mom either did not feel well, tired, would stay in bed for days and days and days and not get up and cook or clean, or she would feel great and do all these fantastic things. It was hard not knowing what it was that mom had. Dad did not know what was wrong with mom and so sometimes he would just sit us down and tell us, mom had a tough day. And there was always this tremendous guilt becuase I felt like I had done something wrong and that was why mom had taken to her bed. It wasn’t until my late teenage years and my own battle with self-harm when I sought counselling that my family as a whole started looking at my mom and going, hmm, maybe we should take mom to the doctor and see if there is something there. And finally, a diagnosis. And medication. And she’s doing much better. And I’m getting there. But as a child, when you do not know what is going on, and your parents do not know what is going on, and there is a very serious mental illness going on, it is the most scary thing in the world.
My mother was also bi-polar, undiagnosed for nearly 20 years, after most of the damage had been done. Partly because of our families faith in religion and association of mental illness with demonic possesions.. we had people come to our house to speak in tongues over my mothers body! Of course when mom was having episodes, I was always told that she was just not feeling well. Our family eventually tried to commit her as they feared for my safety (at 12 years old). She tried suicide several times… once I came home from school and found that she had barracaded the front door and would not let me in.. she was screaming with wild eyes.. as she held a razor to her arm. The police knew our family story, as they had been called to our home numerous times over the years. She was finally diagnosed, but has never adhered to the medication as prescribed. I begged my father to leave her and take me away from her for years. He finally divorced her when I was 20. To this day I struggle to have any kind of relationship with her and struggle to make sense of my life and understand how all that mental trauma has affected me and the choices I now make as an adult. Growing up with a parent who has this disorder is almost worse, in my mind, than growing up with that parent deceased or absent. One day you are loved and protected, the next you are verbally attacked and abandoned. My heart goes out to anyone who grew up this way.
I had a dad with bipolar. We didn’t find out what his problem was until I was 16 yrs old. My dad was very unpredicatable, very verbally agressive towards me,my brother, and mom. My situation was further complicated by my mothers health, she suffered chronic migraines. Our family rule was quite, be very quite to not distract your dad or bother your mothers headaches. If that wasn’t bad enough my mother was also paranoid and felt there was always someone waiting to kill or harm us, thus we were never aloud to do anything. No friends, no calls, no after school activities, no birthday parties, no trips to the store…nothing. I was so alone and confused I developed the most unusaul coping mechanism that now as an adult am fighting to get rid of. I developed a alternate reality to live in. I talked to imagined people, worked to make it more real then life, even would wrap blankets around myself trying to imagine someone was holding me or even cared. This crazy thing helped me survive. I was so depressed that I would use this world to convience myself not to kill myself, that I was worth something. Even to this day I am searching for that since of love and comfort I never had, fighting to live a social life, struggling to develop healthy relationships. Unless you’ve lived in such a home you could probably never understand the chaos. I pray for those that live there and pray others don’t experience this situtation in life.
My wife is 37 an has been a mess since she had our first on two kids @ 19 yrs old.And is it commen for them to spend all her engry blaming everything on the other partner,an lye about everythingto put the blame on me, she things she is perfect tells me everybody would be better of if I was dead.throws me out if I try to talk to her about anything that she can’t controll,the next day call like everythings fine.What do I do, Ifill as I’m leaving my kids 20&7&13 behind ,but she scares everybody away but for afew that won’t speak up or she’ll go off on them,like she has to everyone in her life.I have no one else to turn.How do I stop the slent abuse without calling the police an paying A high price of her lyeing an being so convincing to people that don’t live in the home,I’ve covered this up to everyone thinging it will go away fore 18 years I can’t leave them behinde
please
Please contact me @e-mail larryazevedo@rocketmail.com Im having problems with my azevedoconstrution e-mail I just got your e-mails.But again I’ve been moved out do to her bi polar an its to late.I tryed to bag her to let me get her some help,for the sake of our kids ,she never has once she lyes for the last 19 yrs puts it on me.shes never been send by a dotor an she won’t I have no engry left to beg her as my 7 year old has told me why doe’s mom say its you dad, she needs the help.If a 7 year old can see it why can’t A 37 year old not willing to just try one doctor one time.I’ve hide it from everyone for so long & lyed for her to many times to learn A can’t fake A 7 year old.I thought I was helping to now know Iv’e made it only wrose. Larry
I’ll be back later afther I pick up my kids. Thank You Larry
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