Considering Relationship Dynamics

By Joe Kraynak
October 28, 2008

Syndicated from the Bipolar Blog

In a previous post, “Should I Go or Should I Stay?” I discuss the dilemma that many people face when living with someone who has bipolar disorder.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about relationship dynamics and how these dynamics can trigger confrontations. I’m one of those people, for example, who really needs to please others. I’ll clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, plant flowers, and so forth, just to see her happy. (According to the book The Five Love Languages, my “love language” would be “acts of service.”)

Unfortunately, when my partner is manic or in some mixed state (of hypomania and depression), nothing I do pleases her. She seems on edge – irritated by my mere presence.

Sometimes, I take it personally. Then I get angry. Then, I spend a good deal of time justifying my anger. Here are some of the thoughts that go through my head during these times:

“With all I do around here, the least she can do is be happy!”
“If anyone has a right to be irritable, it’s me – I’m working harder!”
“What did I do so bad this time?”
“I didn’t do anything to deserve to be treated like this!”

I would venture to guess that most people who are married have had similar thoughts. I would also bet that people who have close relationships with someone who has bipolar disorder have these thoughts much more frequently. Our partners, I think, may be so busy fighting their own inner demons that they have little time or energy to give us the positive strokes we expect to get for all we do.

If my partner’s irritability continues much longer, I have a tendency to lash out. Somehow, frustration and anger always seem to find a way to express themselves. These negative emotions and expressions, however, simply feed the problem and further raise the level of stress and conflict.

The worse I treat my partner, the worse her moods become, and if this goes on long enough and intensifies, it almost always leads to my partner experiencing a major mood episode. And if we thought we weren’t getting along before, now we’re in a real mess.

The reason I write about this, is that I feel the need to be honest about how bipolar disorder affects me as a loved one and to show that even the guy who co-authored a book on bipolar disorder can have a tough time dealing with it. People with bipolar disorder often lack the “insight” to recognize when they’re slipping into mania or depression. Sometimes, I think loved ones can lack that insight, too – we miss the early warning signs and become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Hopefully, someone reading this may learn something from my mistakes.

In 1999, my wife, Cecie, experienced her first major manic episode. She ended up in St. Vincent’s Stress Center, where she was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. She has been hospitalized a total of three times – all for mania. She rarely experiences the debilitating depression that many people with bipolar disorder struggle with. We have two children together, both of whom are pretty much adults at this point. Over the past decade or so, we’ve struggled to coexist with this disease. At times, it seems to be a cruel puppet master pulling our strings to act out some demented drama on the stage we call our home. Most times, we manage to keep this beast chained up, through a combination of medicine and therapy, but occasionally it escapes and turns our home inside out. In 2005, I had the good fortune to co-author Bipolar Disorder For Dummies with Dr. Candida Fink. In the process, I learned a great deal about bipolar disorder and strategies for treating it, preventing major mood episodes, and dealing with the fallout when preventive measures are ineffective. Through this blog, I hope to share what I’ve learned about bipolar while I continue to discover even more.

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5 Comments to
“Considering Relationship Dynamics”

Hannah at 9:53 pm on December 4th, 2008

I am so grateful you wrote this.

Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half have been in the most wonderful relationship ever. We were so in love, and nothing could stop us. We were soon already talking about marriage and children. He was sensative, and open minded, and thoughtful, and so comfortable with his feelings and talking about them. I didnt think anythingcould go wrong. And then it happend.

All of a sudden, he turned cold. Everything I used to do that he couldn’t get eough of, he suddenly hated, and asked me to stop. I tried to please him, but he only got worse. He was no longer the same man I fell in love with, but I still loved him.

As you, I am a lover through actions, and a people pleaser. All I want is to be able to put a smile on his face, but now all I can successfully do is anger him by being ME.

He had friends that were female, that would act just like I had before, and he LOVES them to bits. He thinks they’re cute, and darling, and wont stop talking about them, but says he never dreams of having romantic feelings for them.

For a while, this kept up. I could never make him happy, when everyone else could. I thought that he was trying to get rid of me, but when I suggested that, he would get extreamly upset and cry and tell me how he wouldnt know what to do if I left him.

Then, we both came to the conclusion that he had Bipolar. It took him a while to realize it, because he didnt want to have it and just assumed there was something I was doing wrong and it was allmy fault. But after realizing how he had been treating the on person that loved him the most, he opend his eyes and accepted it.

His father, and younger brother were oth also diagnosed with it as well, but he hates his father for cheating on his mother multiple times, so he didnt want to have to admit he was anything like him.

We are trying to get him an appiontment as soon as possible to get him the best treatment, and reading this made me feel not so alone in this fight to find that man that I fell in love with within the beast that has swallowed him up.

peaceofmind at 9:04 am on January 1st, 2009

I realized how it affected my previous relationships. Im working on managing my bipolar episodes now. I do not want this illness to overtake my life! I want to be married,I wouldn’t want to drive my husband out of my life. Having children makes me want to get help too. I don’t want them to be afraid to talk to me,seeing me acting weird or being constantly sad. This affects them too.They deserves to have a stable environment,as well as a ‘’stable” mom!

Susan at 1:47 pm on January 16th, 2009

I am so glad I read this. I have left my husband twice because all the sudden “he couldn’t do or say anything right”. I’m working hard on that now and have told him I don’t want it to ever happen again. Of course he still worries about it and asks me about it sometimes especially when something “drastic” happens in my life. I’m very thankful that he loves me as much as he does.

sarah at 9:33 pm on April 14th, 2009

I found this article interesting, and am thankful to have come across this site in general. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this. As the one in the relationship with bi-polar disorder, I am lucky to have someone who knows me well enough to notice when my moods are becoming “not quite right”. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for a loved one to be consistently supportive during the extremes,especially the lows, knowing that your best efforts, while appreciated, are working against chemistry. I think both of us having a “this too shall pass” attitude when things are tough has been helpful as well, enjoying the good days, and riding out the bad ones to the best of our abilities.

julia17 at 4:38 pm on May 10th, 2009

Hi!
I have Bipolar II and my boyfriend has Bipolar I. We go through phases like in a dance. The big part in our relationship that makes me forgive him, and take his hurtful words without judging, and put up with his runs, blaming, and so on is because I know how it feels and because I am in PhD program in clinical psychology. I have a lot of clients who have Bipolar and many other mental illnesses and I know, see, feel how it is. So, many times I neglect myself, and try to take care of him. Sometimes it’s hard for me not to see him as a client. It even sounds horrible. He is my boyfriend.

I just wanted to show my appreciation to this website, I’m new to it, and maybe some support or help.

Also if anybody wants to talk, i have a blog for people who have Bipolar and their loved ones at
http://bipolarrelationships.blogspot.com/