Against My Better Judgement I’m Starting Effexor Again

By Beth

bipolar and effexorDuring previous acute episodes of severe depression and anxiety the only medication that has worked to pull me out of it is Effexor. I have tried many different medications for depression but nothing has the same result as Effexor has previously.

I am not very happy about it, but right now the positives outweigh the negatives by far.

Stopping Effexor was the best decision I could have made because it had become useless and was throwing me high and low constantly. It is well known to trigger manic episodes in those who are bipolar. It’s a nasty medication with nasty side effects and nasty withdrawal, but what I am dealing with is nastier.

Where do I begin?

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“I’ll See You In The Mornin’ Mommy, and I’ll Be Good!”

By Beth

bipolar momThe kids were being wild and I was a little stressed. I was trying to get them settled a full hour after bedtime had come and gone. They just wouldn’t settle down. What could I do?

After shuffling my youngest into his bed for the 3rd time, my 8 year old son quietly mumbles from his room “mommy, can I get another kiss?”

Absolutely! I go into his room where he is anxiously waiting for another kiss with a slight smile on his face. I lean in and he grabs me around the neck, waiting for the shower of kisses I often give him on his chubby 8 year old cheeks. I knew what he wanted so I started giving him quick kisses all over his little face.

I told him how much I love him and how he is a wonderful kid. I also told him how much he makes my life better and how lucky I am that God gave him to me to love and raise. I kiss him again, probably a dozen times, and tuck him tightly into his bed. Then he grabs my hand, looks at me with those beautiful carolina blue eyes and says “mommy, I love you so much! Thanks for those kisses – they really are magical!”

My kisses are magical. Ahh, how wonderful. A smile and a tear later I shut the light off and head into the hall when I hear another little voice with the same request, “mommy, can I have a kiss too?”

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The Connecticut Shootings: A Mother’s Point of View

By Beth

bipolar momI was at Kohls with a friend on Friday finishing up my Christmas shopping when I heard about the shooting in Connecticut. My husband texted me “did you hear about the school shooting?!?” Instantly I started freaking out. My son is in high school and two little ones in elementary school, one in 3rd grade and one in kindergarten.

I said no, and asked what happened. It felt like an eternity before he responded to me, and I thought it was one of our schools. Then he told me that a number of small children had been shot in Connecticut. Fighting the tears was impossible. I couldn’t hold them back.

When I got home I curled into bed and cried. I felt it in the very core of my soul. Every fiber of my being ached for those small children, teachers, and the families that were left behind. I was yelling at my husband, completely incapable of wrapping my head around how anyone could do such a thing.

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My Kids Made My Day Better With Some Morning Hugs and Kisses

By Beth

bipolar momMornings around here are usually really crazy. Typically my 8 year old is, okay in the mornings, bright eyed and bushy tailed like his father. I don’t get that at all as I am a terrible and grumpy person in the morning. My 5 year old daughter takes after me. She is typically cranky, fussy, whiney, and I have to drag her out of bed.

Sometimes it’s not that bad but a usual morning here is off the chain crazy. Now I also have to get my 3 year old ready for school too and it’s been crazy for me trying to adjust.

Well this morning everything was off. We all overslept – even my 15 year old son. So getting everyone up and ready was like running a marathon. All the roles reversed though and today my 8 year old made my life crazy while my daughter, she was sweet as pie.

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My Final Exam Is Fast Approaching and I’m Freaking Out

By Beth

real estate testI have been in Real Estate class for the past 6 weeks and I am ready for it to be over. My brain hurts and my confidence is nearly non-existent. I don’t know why I am so full of doubt but I think I need to relax, seriously.

When it was mid-term time 2 weeks ago I was freaking out too. I was having panic attacks and my anxiety level was through the roof. I had called my dad because I couldn’t take the pressure in my chest. Naturally he starts with building my confidence “Beth, you are so smart you can do this without a problem. Just relax, you are going to do great!” Of course he is supposed to say that, he’s my dad.

I took a long walk and cleared my head a little, tried to muster up a little confidence telling myself it’s multiple choice so I will do great. I marched into the room and sat down, the panic and anxiety went away and I did my best.

My score: 96%

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It’s Christmas Time and Happiness Fills Our Home

By Beth

bipolar christmasI love December! The best thing about this month is Christmas. There are so many wonderful things that I couldn’t list them all if I wanted to. The best part (right now) is my mood is up and my home is happy.

Every year we turn on the Christmas music, make some hot cocoa, decorate the tree, and then dance around the house as a family. It is probably the most joyable night of the year for me. My heart is so filled with love, happiness, and incredible amounts of joy.

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I Don’t Want To Be Admitted Again, I’m Terrified

By Beth

bipolar momI’m losing it very quickly. Life is getting to be too hard. No matter what I do or how hard I try to do things right, I do it all wrong.

My husband has been on the third shift and taking classes 5 days a week since August. He’s been on third shift longer, but I have felt the major squeeze for about 3 months. I am done. I am scared.

A couple months ago I wrote about being at the end of my rope because I was doing it all by myself because of his heavy load. Well he read that post and started pitching in and helping me a lot more around the house but it feels like it comes with a cost.

I am stuck in this horrific lose-lose situation. No matter what I do, I still lose.

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Why Can’t I Be “That” Woman?

By Beth

bipolar momSometimes I look around and I wonder why I can’t seem to get it together. The laundry isn’t quite complete, the counters aren’t quite clean enough, I sometimes skip bath night, and dinner often consists of instant mashed potatoes and a quick marinade chicken.

My kids yell for clean pants and my husband hollars for clean underwear. I ponder what the nights “fend for yourself” meal will consist of, and I hang my head in shame. Why can’t I be “that” woman?

I ask myself all the time why I lack the motivation to be the mother I should be. I don’t throw these big wonderful birthday parties, I cancel play dates, I struggle to make it to work, and the dishes are my teenagers job. Again, why can’t I be “that” woman?

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My Husband Should Definitely Try The “Stay At Home Parent” Job

By Beth

stay at home dadWell, where on earth do I get the idea that my husband should switch jobs with me? That’s easy, I believe he thinks he can do it better. Who knows, maybe I kinda feel like he could too. Here is why.

With the real estate classes I have been taking, the load has become heavier for my husband. On nights that I have class he has to get the kids off the bus, get them doing their chores and homework, get dinner ready, and do whatever miscellaneous chores that are left to be done.

When I get home the house is clean, the kids are all taken care of, and dinner is almost ready. I’m a little bit jealous here. How can he do it so much better than me? The kids are even commenting that he is a better cook than me! What’s up with that?

Here is what I think.

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Decision Making Cripples My Mind

By Beth

bipolar momI have recently started working for a Realtor, who is also a friend of mine. I started working with her because I am very interested in working in Real Estate. I had not given it a great deal of thought yet, but I wanted to look into it to see if it was something I could possibly do.

I have not had a successful job, ever. I have always faced challenges any time I started working in one way or another. That is why I filed for SSDI and was eventually approved. I just haven’t been able to handle working.

Well, my dad and my husband had always tried to get me to give real estate a try but given my history I did not want to pursue it. Who wants to do something when it feels as though failure is imminent? Not me!

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