Depression is sneaky. It’s almost like one day you’re okay and then next you are wondering what happened to your life. Well, it feels that way to me at least.
I have brief episodes of depression more often than I would like. I cant say that it is crippling or severe depression, but it’s annoying and nagging. It’s just like a rain cloud hovering over me. A simple med adjustment usually does the trick to kick me back into high gear, but not always.
I started effexor the first of the year because I knew I was feeling glum. I was sleepy, overwhelmed, weapy, and extremely sluggish. I had no interest in anything and I just wanted to be a bum. I knew it was time to bring effexor back because I felt like I had lost all hope for happiness. I was right.
She gave me the effexor knowing I was not doing well just by the signs and sympoms I was having. Yesterday she pulled out her sheet of paper to score my depression since starting the effexor and it doesn’t look all that good. I’m right at the bottom of moderate almost to severe. Yikes.
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My depression is from outside trauma, what difference does it make, same symptoms. I don’t feel guilty, I’ve helped many people in my life. I have two children named after me, and when i worked at the V.A. hospital, I ran the dysfunctional place. I have letters that almost no one has as a mere worker bee. But things went to crap, the doctors wrote our senator to complain that we were killing people and we were. Management was crazy. I swan with the sharks, had something on everyone and protected the weak and the good. But after the petition went to the senator, payback was swift and severe. They came after me almost immediatly. I had support, but it didn’t stop the harassment. I was furious and fought for my life, literally. I became suicidal, from being the strongest person there. I retired. But I can’t get rid of the depression that ensued. I know it wasn’t me. I know I’m not guilty. But my chemicals are shot and I can’t seem to get to the place I always was. Two suicide attempts. The fact that I have really good Federal life insurance doesn’t help. I feel I’m worth more dead than alive to my family. Here I am, a person that everyone looked up to. My job evaluations were the best. My Psych doctor told me that I am so different. I used to be so confident, almost over confident but in a good way. She remembers that I feared nothing. I still fear nothing, but when your chemicals are whacked you are not the same person. I walk in the forest near my home at night. I take weapons with me. I believe that it is better for me to die on my feet than on me knees. How can I tell my child that if you work hard and do good, than everything will be alright. That is not true.