I’m losing it very quickly. Life is getting to be too hard. No matter what I do or how hard I try to do things right, I do it all wrong.
My husband has been on the third shift and taking classes 5 days a week since August. He’s been on third shift longer, but I have felt the major squeeze for about 3 months. I am done. I am scared.
A couple months ago I wrote about being at the end of my rope because I was doing it all by myself because of his heavy load. Well he read that post and started pitching in and helping me a lot more around the house but it feels like it comes with a cost.
I am stuck in this horrific lose-lose situation. No matter what I do, I still lose.
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Hi Beth, I don’t know what it’s like to be bipolar, but I do know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. I hope that your husband is able to get the shift change sooner rather than later.
I don’t what you to feel bad about accidentally hitting your daughter’s leg instead of her bottom. You wanted to hit her bottom but she was squirming around too much. That doesn’t make you a child abusing mother. That makes you a mother who is being stretched too thin and who is trying to deal with a mental illness at the same time with no support.
When my daughter was young, she wouldn’t go to her room for time out and she was acting out of control. I wasn’t dealing her very well and I started dragging her to her room. Because she was moving around so violently trying to get away from me on the way to her room as I was pulling her, I pulled her right into the wall and accidentally smacked her head into the wall. I can’t tell you how bad I felt. I felt like I did it on purpose. Of course she was crying loudly which added to the guilt. But it was an accident. I didn’t want to hurt. She needed a time out. She was behaving badly. Heck. I needed a time out. I apologized to her, but didn’t let her get away with what she had done wrong. You are not a bad mother. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. And you if you need a good cry you should go ahead and have a good cry in a bathtub full of bubbles.
Deb,
I am certain all parents have some horror story or another about some event that they deeply regret! I know I have one with each of my kids, if not two or three! I just dont know where to put that frustration with myself. I feel like wow, I brought these wonderful people in the world and in dealing with them every day for 18 years I am bound to mess up a few times. THe odds are definitely NOT in my favor here!
I still feel guilty days after swatting her little leg. When something like that happens I do go to my room and cry. I dont know how much of it is a “bipolar” thing and how much of it is just a human error thing. I wish I could just do it perfect every time and not raised terribly screwed up kids! God did so great out of the gate I dont want to mess up his perfect creation!
Hi Beth,
I know how you feel about God creating a perfect child and how it is up to us not to mess it up. I felt that way too with my baby girl. I looked at her and thought how perfect she was, and how with my chronic and recurring clinical depression and anxiety it would be impossible to keep her that way. I apologized to her as an infant for the hours that she would spend in a shrink’s office complaining about how I screwed her up when she became an adult. One thing I knew though was that having a child taught me what real love was. I knew I would never intentionally hurt this perfect little being. Before I became I mother, I went through counseling to make sure I wasn’t the type of mother my mother was – the type of mother who derived some sort of satisfaction out of hurting her own children. You don’t sound like the type of person who derives pleasure from that either.
I think you have to forgive yourself for being bipolar. It is not anything worse than being diabetic or having high blood pressure. If you had any chronic physical illness, the people around you would do everything they could to be supportive of you, and you would expect that from them rather than feel guilty that you were ill. That is that the way you should feel now. I still suffer from anxiety and it is difficult for me to cope with it on a daily basis. I also suffer from from migraines about 15 days out of the month. I expect support from my loved for both those illness. I don’t expect people to make me feel bad for something I cannot help and neither should you.
Regarding Bipolar10years comments, she may not realize that all mental illnesses are on a continuum, and that at times the symptoms may improve for a time; and at other times due to a stressor or some other cause, the symptoms may become worse. We need to educate ourselves before becoming critical of others. The last thing you need right now is to be criticized when you are doing a superhuman job of dealing with all that you have going on in your life right now.
It sounds like your husband is doing all the right things. I guess he needs to be in almost daily contact with the EEOC to get them to put pressure on his boss or the company until they switch your husband’s shift.
It is good to hear back from you. I was worried about how you were doing. I’m sure you’re very busy with all that you have to do.
Take care of you,
Deborah
Deb,
Thanks for your concern. I am doing *ok* for the most part. It is tough trying to deal with so much at once and I do the best I can. I am glad I have my blog as an outlet and an opportunity to share with my fellow moms my own challenges. It’s theraputic for many, not just me. Sometimes it might be a little raw and make some feel a little anxious for me but I really do survive. I know I need to adjust my meds but I am so sensitive physically and mentally to many medications. Being limited in my options makes it very difficult.
I think once we have a “normal” schedule back everything will fall into place. My husband contacted EEOC and we have filled out the paperwork, we just have to see what happens next. He is terrified of retaliation and I dont blame him. Hope it doesnt come down to that.
Thanks again!
It honestly sounds like you need to find a way to leave that situation. You have given it 9 years, but there doesn’t seem to be enough respect from your husband for him to change his ways. I think it must be very bad for your mental health to beg and beg for something that you really need, but that he has no intention of giving. It probably isn’t very good for your kids to see you treated that way either.Maybe your energy, and your therapist’s energy would be better spent planning your next step, instead of begging your husband to change? I am sure what I suggest is easier said than done, but it looks from the outside like YOU are going to have to change your terrible situation. I wish you the very best of luck.
Beachy,
I am getting closer and closer to that line. I don’t want to cross it though. I dont want to leave, throw in the towel, and walk away. The thought of it hurts to the deepest part of my soul. I do enjoy my life, it may not be as often as I would like, but there are moments that make the BS worth it. I live for those moments even if they are rare.
I am hoping that he figures out how hard his actions have impacted our marriage. One day, some day, he will see it. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Eventually there is going to come a time when I have had enough and I do give up. I am just not there yet. I’m done fighting for my marriage, but I am not done with my marriage if that makes sense. But the first step to giving up is to stop fighting, right?
Thanks for the reply Beth. I appreciate the time and attention you have put in, even though life is clearly difficult at the moment. Respect.
Beth, I am so frustrated. I had just written you a nice long novel in response to your post and somehow lost it. I don’t have it in me to try and rewrite it,so just know that many, many people living with a mental illness feel exactly as you do. You are not alone. Abandonment and rejection have been my worst fears and triggers. After eight long years my husband and I have gotten to a good place. He now accepts his role in helping me live in the best possible way. I still have episodes but our goal is to never have me go back to the hospital again. It takes both of us and it can be difficult but it is doable. We breath a sigh of relief each time we are successful in dealing with the emotional breakdowns. Hang in there and know that we all understand every frustration, every emotion, and every thought you have that things will never get better. Don’t believe the lies that the illness feeds you. You can do this! I am amazed that you are working. That is quite an accomplishment. The language of mental illness is more universal than we know. We are surrounded by people who get it. You have written some honest and deeply personal blogs. I am sure you have affected many lives by opening up so that other’s know they are not alone. You are doing an amazing job. My two favorite words are Breath and Believe, things I have had to do for many years. We are survivors. You are appreciated and loved.
Dina,
Thank you for your kind and inspiring support. Sometimes when I feel like I just cant do it for another day, my readers see that and reach out to me and pick me up. I try really hard to remember that I am not alone but it is hard when I feel like I am. I cant overcome that. I’m going to keep trying to work as long as I can and try to tread water and keep my head up until I cant anymore. So far I am doing it, it’s hard and I am barely making it, but I AM doing it! That’s what matters I guess
You are a wonderful blessing and your words mean more than you know. Thank you.
One thing that your husband might not realize is that YOU wind up with a messed up sleep schedule because of his work hours. Chances are that you wind up getting up earlier than you want and building a huge sleep deficit. This is lousy for your maintenance.
There is a benefit for your husband beyond the 15% pay differential: the rest of the family has to walk on eggs so that he can sleep at odd hours. That’s stressful for everyone BUT him.
I used to work 12-hour shifts, and the joke at the plant was that the only people who work shift are those who are divorced or who are ABOUT to get divorced.
Ripley,
You know, I have told him how his shift work affects me on many occasions. He’s never had to deal with that stress of “walking on eggshells” so that we dont disturb him. The sleep deficit for me comes when I have to go to bed AFTER he wakes at 10:30 pm which just wears me down.
I live tired, try to get naps, and still get fussed at. Im done with all of this, and I am ready to get things back in order. I am so tired.
*hugs* just cause you seem to need one, Beth.
If you ever need a supportive group of people to talk to, you should look at the Global Mental Health Awareness Group on FB. It’s private, and there are some awesome lads and lasses over there.
Cause like I said, it sounds like you need some peeps to help keep you sane. And you can always feel free to email me. I’m a 27 year old mother of two, and I know what you’re going through intimately.
Misty
Take the t.v out of your daughter’s bedroom and buy Dr. Farber’s book “how to solve your children’s sleep problems”. An amazing book – solved both my kids bad sleep habits which I created. Saved my sanity in that department.
Continuity, routine and calm assertiveness for the rest of it. Maybe let her sleep in her wet pull up?
there is also a solution to this too. she is getting your attention but in a negative way.
Sheila,
We are having major behavior problems with her and I think that it is all linked together. There is a kid she has been playing with and I think many of the behaviors are directly related to him. He’s a wild little boy! I cut that friendship off and I am already seeing some improvements.
The kids have TV’s in their rooms with media boxes so that I can have some peace and quiet when I need it most. It saves me sometimes so taking the TV out would never work. I tried it. They are not allowed to watch TV at bedtime though, but for some reason that night she wanted to be difficult about it and I still dont know why. None of them give me a hard time, we turn music on the intercom quietly and once they finally settle (about an hour after “bedtime” starts) they go to sleep. It’s the “getting ready” part of the bedtime routine that I just cant handle.
I think if my husband ever gets his shift changed the bedtime routine will get better. I remember the days when 8:00 we all hurried to the bathroom, brushed their teeth, and they would putter around, getting jammies on, giving hugs and kisses, and then they were tucked in by 8:30 and the house was quiet. Oh how I miss those days!
Next, I’m going to find that book!!
I’m going to give you some advice. Stop blogging until you at least feel “okay” again. This blog will be saved on a server, forever, somewhere. One day your children might stumble across it. You’re saying things that you might not say “publicly” if you were well. Just until you are feeling well, take a break. If it helps, write the blogs, but don’t publish them until you’re sure you’re well enough to make that judgment call. You’re saying things in blogs that make me concerned for the well being of your children. In Canada, and many other places the way your treated your daughter would at least warrant a child services call. Please think about pulling your stuff down (doesn’t get rid of it permanently), not publishing anymore and possibly have a family member watch your children.
I have to agre with PityKitty.
Sheila, I do too! She has excellent points.
PityKitty,
My therapist encourages me to write and blog. My oldest son knows that I write, he knows that I have written about him, and he doesn’t care. My whole family knows that I blog and that I write about everyone, and the support is endless. There are no names, only mine. So with that said I am not going to stop blogging. I don’t know what I would do without my blog, my readers, and the comments I get. This blog helps me in ways that you could never imagine, and it helps others too.
We have decided to put my littlest one in daycare after his pre-school, so that I can have some time to get myself back together. I think it is critical right now to get myself back to where I need to be. Healthy, back together, and mentally sound. Ahhh, I cant wait!
U should Defintely keep blogging if that what keeps u sane!! U need all the support u can get! I just started reading your posts today and I have 2 kids and husband is off working Monday through sat from 5 am to to 6 pm and then comes home and eats, watches tv and goes to bed sometimes even before my 5 And 7 yr old. I have been hospitalized the whole bit, it’s hard I completely understand what your going through.
Beth,
I would consult with your therapist about whether or not this blog is potentially harmful to your children before taking any kind of action. It has served as an outlet for you and it has helped the many people who are reading it.
I would also talk to your therapist about whether missing your child’s bottom and accidentally slapping her leg instead constitutes child abuse. Personally, I don’t think it does and I think you have already been too hard on yourself about that already. Also ask your therapist what to do about your daughter’s pre-bed wetting issue. Then you won’t have to stress so much about it.
I wish you had people you could ask to babysit your children so that you could get away for a little while. Another thing that helped me was packing my cranky daughter in the car and going out for a change of scenery. It always worked being outdoors doing anything for 45 minutes to an hour.
I would hire a cleaning service if your husband is that picky about everything being done. If he gets upset, you can say you paid for it with the extra 15% and you are only one person. I used to get a babysitter just so I could work out for an hour while my daughter napped.
I think your husband can tell your boss that he has an emergency health issue in the family or he can talk to human resources to get his shift changed. There is no reason it should take so long. I would do some research about the health benefits at his company. I have never heard about a company being so unaccommodating when it comes to sick spouses. The company probably needs a letter from your therapist explaining how and why it is so critical that your husband be moved from his current shift immediately. That has worked for me. Please bug your husband to do this. You deserve much quicker resolution and relief from feeling so overwhelmed. You have nothing to lose.
By the way, if you fight for yourself, you will not lose. You will win and you will begin to feel better. I am rooting for you!
I agree with DebVDH. Taking action yourself is better than waiting/hoping. It makes you feel better and makes others see you in a new light.
Deb,
I put my foot down. My husband put in the request and it was ignored. As I stated it takes his boss 2 months to respond and another 2 months to act. He contacted the EEOC and filed a formal complaint against his boss. Once they informed him that he would be “legally protected” against any retaliation once he filed the complaint he was all for it.
One thing I hate is that my husband is terrified to push for anything because he’s afraid of losing his job because he can be fired or laid off “without cause”. The one thing that was pointed out (which is critical) is they cant fire him “without cause” once he files an EEOC complaint because if there is no cuase then it because an assumed cause, retaliation.
He submitted a note from the doctor requesting a move due to health problems, immediately. He still has not even responded which (according to the EEOC) is a denial of his request. That’s bad.
Thigns are moving in the right direction, I just dont know how long it will take. We are putting the baby in day care after his therapies to give me time to myself. I need it desperately.
As a bipolar woman, I would like to read a blog written by a bipolar woman who is using treatment (medication, therapy) to gain insight and improve her life circumstances and mental state. Reading this blog is a painful experience and it is maddening to see Beth dealing with the same issues over and over and over with no improvement. And now, paragraphs devoted to a child’s toilet habits and “swatting” ! Enough already.
Bipolar10years,
I am sorry you are disappointed with my blog. One thing I would like to point out first is the title of my blog which is “Adventures of A Bipolar Mom”. The title says it all. My blog contains a wide variety of content which is not limited to parenting but it does center around being a “bipolar mom’.
I do deal with the same issues repeatedly, it’s called life. I write about medications, doctors, side effects, kids, school, work, marriage, home, etc. My topics are not concentrated to one particular issue as you assume.
If you did follow my blog on a regular basis you would see that there is a very steady “up and down” that I struggle with, and during those ups and downs I am incredibly open about my life. One of the biggest reasons I write is so others can either relate, or read comments from other readers who have “been there” and offer excellent advice and guidance on the harder stuff.
I am in therapy, I do see my doc, I take my meds. While it is important that I write about these things it is also important that I write about “life” which is my ultimate goal. It’s about the struggles I face living with mental illness. Being so limited in the medications I can take it makes my life very difficult. While I wish I could improve my mental state, there are swings that can be clearly seen throughout my posts.
IF you do not like the content of my blog, which is mainly about parenting with bipolar, than don’t read it. I am pretty sure you can find a blog with content that you are looking for, and I can help find one for you if you would like. I have some great resources.
Again, I am sorry to hear you are so disappointed with my blog content.
I think that families functioning on the same schedule is the best option. I do hope your hubby helps more. Now as far as the bed wetting, I can give a little advice but only through psychological research. Some kids will become more defiant the harder you push the potty training thing. You might have to bribe her to stop instead of punishing her. I would advise highly cutting her off from any liquids early into the night(if you havent done so already) and maybe make a big deal about her going potty before bed ( meaning a lot of praise ect) or What ever gets her excited or makes her feel good about herself.She might be holding on to this because it garners attention for herself or she is doing it to garner control(meaning any anger from you will reinforce it).
I hope this article can help you a little
Toilet Training Resistance: Help For Parents
http://www.mckenzie-pediatrics.com/shop/images/ToiletTrainingResistance.pdf
Ahhh I wrote a response but it went away? maybe I will check back tomorrow. Im glad to hear about your hubby changing his schedule though. That is a step in the right direction
Jen, I found your comment it landed in spam! My daughter doesn’t have potty training problems overall it’s mainly her sleeping. We limit her fluids after 6pm to a sip or two before bed, we offer rewards, we do everything we can to get her to be able to hold it and she cant. I recently found out my mother was a bedwetter until she was 9 and had some bladder deformity that caused it. Now this issue can be corrected with surgery if it’s what she has, but I dont want to do that to her. I am working to find a pediatric urologist to see what is going on. It still drives me bonkers. She wets her pull up every single night. I hope we can get it resolved for my own peace of mind!
Ok thats great! I hope you find out what the issue is. Everyone else has given advice on the behavior problems but I will add that some kids as Im sure you know are just stubborn and nothing really works until they mature a little or decide for themselves that being a problem child isnt working out. I know you get stressed but just hang in there! <3 Your support will be coming coming soon with your hubbys shift change and I think this will help take a little bit of the burden off you.
It’s called parenting. You parent children by example. They can feel that you and your husband are not getting along. Sometimes it’s tough when one parent works a “shift” job. When my first child was born my husband drove “over the road” to help pay the bills and I worked a job being during the day that entailed paperwork completed at night, sometimes working all night to get the “career job” part finished and then put on my mommy hat and looked at the kids homework and made lunches! Everyone has a story! I did this while coping with the same issues as you. I worked thru and took care of 3 children when my husband had cancer, mental illness and it’s what life has dealt you. You deal with it the best you can.
I’m playing devil’s advocate here and not giving you the “poor you” comments everyone else is. You just moved into a new home. How are you going to pay for it. Someone has to work full time! I know you think it’s all about you right now but as you said “he does help” and I think if you focus on what is important … your children’s future and their mental and physical health you’ll hit less and hug more! Your daughter is trying to tell you something when she wets the bed! Listen to her instead of yelling! Then rethink your life. Will you be happy if your hubby leaves cause he can’t take it anymore? Do you want him to leave?
Please try to look at your situation objectively. If you are a stay at home mom … that is your job.