My husband and I joke around a lot. We will playfully wrestle, chase each other around the house, giggling and having fun. It’s just what we do.

For the past 9+ years we have done this. It’s never been an issue before and it has always been playful. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I had a flashback and began to violently attack my husband. It scared the crap out of him.

Anyway it started with playful wrestling and lead to me pretty much losing my mind. Once the playful wrestling started, he grabbed my arms and I was almost instantly taken back to a very dark time in my life.

One Comment to
When A Flashback Turns Violent….

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  1. I have been there when something innocent and something that you have done a hundred times before suddenly brings on such an intense flashback.

  2. I had a similar incident about 6 months ago. Me and my brother have always had problems getting along, but we have never had it escolate to a fist fight. When it comes to me, I am very non-violent. I much prefer to talk about something than hit someone.

    Anyway, on this day I was hurt by my brother. I have a biography on my website where I shared details of the child abuse I went through. My brother had taken a copy of it, posted it on his site and in red text went through and took apart each incident and put in what he felt really happened, even though 90% of what I shared about he wasn’t even present.

    Anyway, he came over with two hour notice. I came out to talk to him and explain that what he did really hurt me, and that would be that and I would walk away. But a few seconds into explaining to him how I felt, he stopped looking at me, took out a taco and just ignored me sitting on the sofa. I snapped, and today still don’t know why.

    I could see what was going on, but my body was on autopilot. In a split second I had both hands around his neck and from what I could tell was using full force. His face was literally changing colors. He was trying to hit me, but I couldn’t feel any pain from the few hits he did land. My mom and my brothers girlfriend was there at the time. My mom ripped my shirt right off of me trying to pull me off of him.

    When I fell back, my brother got up and pulled a knife. I reached over the counter and pulled a butcher knife from the cutting block. My mom later said she was holding me back using all her strength, but that I looked through her at my brother like she wasn’t even there.

    Suddenly my mom’s boyfriend who was sleeping at the time came out of the room and was behind me. I felt his presence behind me and it startled me out of me attacking my brother and I had control over my body again. I put the knife on the counter and locked myself in my room.

    I couldn’t stop crying and shaking. It scared the hell out of me. When I snapped, I just felt this rage inside me. Much of my childhood I was abused at home, at school by special education staff, and in the children’s psychiatric hospital my mom used as a punishment.

    She would call the hopsital and tell them I was suicidal and had tried to take my life. She knew they would take me, and they did, no questions asked. She would have me hospitalized anytime I did something to tick her off. Like if I got sent home from school or suspended. Not once was I hospitalized because I was actually suicidal.

    Anyway, the hospital abuse was the worst of it resulting in PTSD. My spinal injury came from one hospital stay. Another time I was locked in the solitary room overnight in the pitch black for 14 hours. I have been terrified of the dark since.

    Not one of my abusers, both family, school staff or hospital staff were never arrested for what they did. Everyone got away scott free for what they did. And that alone both hurts, and makes me angry that people could hurt me and get away with it.

    With my brother, it deeply hurt that he would post online that I lied about the abuse. E-mailing my friends to tell them I made up the abuse. To have someone accuse me of lying about the abuse really hurts deep.

    What scared me about the incident is I didn’t know I had that rage inside me. I knew I had pain inside because of the incidents but I didn’t know I could snap like that. And I am thankful that my mom and my brothers girlfriend was there. I am afraid to say that had they not been there, I most likely could have killed him.

    But because of that incident, I am so very more mindful of the inner rage and hurt I hide so well. Thanks for letting me share. And for sharing your experience with us Beth.

    • Stanley,
      Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone. I am paying closer attention to situations trying to avoid anything like this happening again. I hope you can do the same.

      I think it’s time for a good therapist again. I’m sure it would help me a lot :)

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