Anxiety Articles

Moving Hell: Coping With Autism Meltdowns, Bipolar, Anxiety and Four Kids

Tuesday, August 28th, 2012

moving hellI don’t even know where to start, so I suppose I will start at the beginning. Before I get into the horrible weekend that I had, I will just say that I made it through in one piece and only threw one major fit. I would rather have not thrown any fits at all, but I only threw one fit. I gave myself an atta-girl on that one.

Our refrigerator was supposed to be delivered Friday night, they called to tell me it would be delivered Thursday night instead. That wouldn’t work because we weren’t in the house yet, so they moved it to Monday. Goodness, this wasn’t starting well.

Our furniture delivery was supposed to be late Friday. They called Friday morning at 10 AM — we don’t even have keys yet — to deliver the furniture. There was no way around it so we had to have it delivered to my aunt’s garage. So frustrating. Anyway, just a small problem.

We were so happy to sit down at the closing table. To finally be homeowners again was an incredible feeling. Everything lined up, the bank had the wire transfer ready, the attorney was ready to record the deed, the movers were on their way, everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.


Let’s Talk About Panic: Lost, Alone, Two Hours From Home with No Help in Sight

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

bipolar momSo picture this: I am on my way to a doctor’s appointment three hours away, which requires a lot of back road driving. I had gone a different way because I had to meet a woman from the Boston Terrier Rescue, and had to use GPS to get myself back on track and to my destination.

With tears in my eyes and a very broken heart I just started driving, trusting the GPS on my phone to get me to my destination safely. After driving for a while, I snapped back to reality and glanced down to see when I will be turning next – in the middle of nowhere, miles from anyone and anything.

My GPS was frozen.

Instantly, I panicked. I pulled over into an old, abandoned church parking lot and started to get hysterical. I locked the doors and stared around waiting for something bad to happen. You know, too many horror movies about young woman lost in the middle of nowhere. Well, yeah, my anxiety was higher than it has ever been, EVER.

I started beating the crap out of my phone, restarting it, pulling the battery and restarting it again. Nothing worked. My GPS was a goner, along with my phone, which was almost dead and wouldn’t charge on the car charger.


The Anxiety From Teaching My Teenager To Drive Is Horrible

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

bipolar momSo my 15-year-old son passed Driver’s Ed, passed his written exam and now holds his learner’s permit. With that little piece of paper this kid holds the key to my sanity in his wallet! How completely unfair is that?

I was excited for him to get his learner’s permit. I remember the day I got mine; it was the beginning of an exciting new chapter in my life. I do not, however, remember driving so horribly! Then again, I do remember my mom grabbing onto the handles for dear life, pounding on the floorboard, and hollering “BRAKE!” many, many times.

Oh how I pity her now. I remember when I came to a complete stop after nearly running a stop sign, my mother glared at me and said “one day your son will do this to you, and I cannot WAIT!” Oh my, I had no idea how much weight those words held at the time.


Choked By Terror: Midnight Panic

Tuesday, June 19th, 2012

I was laying in bed last night in my perfect comfy spot. Suddenly, my body started to become numb and I felt as though my mind was separating from my body. I could feel my heart start to race and I broke out into a sweat; the panic set in quickly. I tried to move and I couldn’t, yet I was wide awake. I thought I was dying.

My son began to cry and it yanked me out of whatever it was I was experiencing.

I got up to see what was wrong and my body still had this eerie feeling of discontent. I was shaking, sweating and very hot. I was terrified walking through the house, hearing noises, seeing shadows, swearing someone was inside my home.

This came out of nowhere. It was sudden and incredibly intense. I was so scared that I couldn’t leave my son’s room. I began pacing back and forth at the door, too scared to leave to get the meds I knew would help me calm down. I stood there for at least 15 minutes before I got the courage to leave his room. I picked him up and carried him with me – I felt comfortable with him in my arms.

My heart was racing so fast I could feel it beating in every part of my body.


Life Is Getting Easier, Yay!

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

The past few months have been pretty difficult. In fact, the past couple of years have been pretty hard. However, over the past week or so, things have felt a little smoother around here. I don’t know if it is the Welbutrin, or just life getting a little better, but I feel pretty good.

My dad and step-mom have had a rough time for the past couple of years as well. I’m that person that worries about everyone else first and myself last. Knowing my dad and step-mom have been having such a tough time has been extremely stressful for me too. I talked to them both yesterday, and was delighted to hear how wonderfully they are doing now.

My step-mom, who was in pretty severe heart failure, has received a clean bill of health. Whew! Also, my dad has moved to a different real estate company where they are very good to him. His previous office was a very shady one (at best) and they were basically screwing him over. He’s a very hard working man and always has been, and he deserves respect and finally has it. Yay!

Hearing the joy in my dad’s voice last night really gave me a wonderful sense of peace. I no longer feel like I have to worry so much about them, and that feels great. My mom, however, is still over in Germany and isn’t doing too good herself. She is homesick and misses everyone, but she should be moving back sometime in the next year or so, which is exciting for everyone. It will be nice when she’s home.


Child Abuse: When To Speak Up

Thursday, October 6th, 2011

abused childI am so lost and I really have no clue what to do. I’d like to think I always have all the answers in life but sometimes I’m left speechless and feeling helpless. This is one of those times.

There is a girl that my oldest son was good friends with that lives up the road from us. She’s a great girl and spends a lot of time here with me and the kids. Her and I have gotten pretty close. My son had told me of times her family has been abusive toward her and how angry it made him, but teenagers can sometimes blow things up to be more than they are. I started paying attention, and what is happening is hurting me deeply.

She was over last night telling me about the things she is experiencing at home. Her mother slaps her around, and her older brother and younger sister beat her up. She’s a very kind girl with a very soft heart, and from what she says she has turned into their own personal punching bag. My heart breaks for her.


PTSD and Assault – My Story

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

bipolar momPTSD is a very real, very scary part of many lives. It may or may not accompany other diagnoses. I am no expert, but I do know through a lot of therapy where mine came from, and why it is a real part of my every day life today.

When I was 9 my fathers friend lived with us. He raped me, and I was too scared to say anything. It was not even talked about until at 15, during a visit with my therapist, it was revealed. By law, she was required to tell my father of what had happened and to this day, my father has never been able to forgive himself.

When I was 17, my friends and I went to a convenience store to pick up a girlfriend from work. We parked in the wrong spot, according to one specific police officer. I have a lot of missing memories of this event (I assume I blocked most of it) but what I am able to recall keeps me in a permanent state of fear of any police officer. He was unhappy with “17 year old punks” hanging out there, even though we had been there for 3 minutes or so. He ordered us to all show our license (I had been driving) and demanded us to all get out of the vehicle. He then proceeded to show us his “power” and assaulted all 3 of us.


I’m Cracking Under Pressure

Friday, August 19th, 2011

mom's cracking upWell, here I go again.  I am not the best at handling extreme levels of stress and I don’t think it’s a bipolar thing – I think this time it’s a life thing.  Oh boy!

My kids are crazy and I’m quickly following suit.  I’ve always considered myself more of a leader than a follower but the madness around here is dragging me down very quickly.  Where’s a corner? I need to hide!

After two days of nonstop running between my anniversary and my 6 year old son’s birthday, I am crashing.  It’s hard keeping up sometimes when things start getting crazy.  Four kids, a messy house, a bipolar teenager, and a husband working 72 hours a week is taking it’s toll on this momma.  Maybe I should go have a good cry.  Hmm.


Lucid Dreaming + Sleep Paralysis = A Hysterical Me

Thursday, March 31st, 2011

sleep paralysisI really enjoy dreaming.  In my dreams at night I get to see those I love who have passed away, spend time with them and hold conversations with them I’ve missed.  I get to do things I can’t normally do like fly, or breathe under water.  I can have time with my husband seeing exotic new places around the world, and I am usually very happy upon waking.  I love dreaming.

Since I have been tapering off the Effexor though, I would give anything to skip dreaming.  I’ve been having night terrors more frequently and sleeping is becoming more difficult because I know what will happen.  The night before last I actually ended up in a lucid dream in between awake and asleep.  I have never in my life experienced this before, and it appears to be the new nightly thing for me.


Choked By Paranoia: I’m Terrified To Leave My Children (Part 2)

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

When my baby boy survived such a traumatic delivery, I felt blessed to have him.  He was an amazing and curious little guy.  He loved everyone, he’s always been the most affectionate of all my children.

At just 18 months old, he had gotten into some dangerous medication that my brother (who was staying with us) was taking.  He was fine after a short stay in the PICU at our local hospital, but only three days after taking him home, I picked him up in the hallway and noticed a familiar orange powder on his lips.

I immediately realized somehow he had gotten into the medication…again.  Terrified, I threw him in the car and drove to the hospital.  I didn’t know how long it had been and was scared to wait for an ambulance, the hospital was only 15 minutes away.  When we got there, he was unconscious, only this time, he was barely breathing.


 

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