I have had a really, really tough couple of months. Between starting work, the holidays, and everything else in between I have been one big, giant yoyo.
With pretty severe depression settling in, I started the Effexor and ended up a little manic. I knew it was likely, actually, I knew it was inevitable. Going a little manic created it’s own set of issues for me and this life I live. My doc spotted it long before I did, only I didn’t want to listen to her.
So I had a very dramatic upswing, major irritability and crazy sleep habits started. To say I had trouble sleeping is an understatement. It was impossible.
I was all wired out. I felt like I was running and running, hyper-focused, and extremely productive. Initially I thought I was just back on an upswing grateful the low was over. Ah, not so fast.
I started my latuda and down I went. A quick crash into the sleepy, weapy, overwhelmed, agitated and irritated bum I had previously been.
I kept asking myself, “what in the world is happening?” I couldn’t understand why the yoyo, over a matter of two weeks I had rapid cycling between very low, low, good, high, very high, and then way low again.
During all of this I have been working. Granted most of my work has been from home, but I have been working. Once I hit very low again, I realized maybe latuda wasn’t the best for me. On my own without speaking to my p-doc I halved my dose. That seems to be what I needed to come back up. I haven’t come back up much, but I’m better than I was.
The latuda is supposed to put a ceiling on my high, but it is not supposed to throw me into a severe depressed state almost instantly. I have an appointment with my p-doc next week and I really need to get stable. This up and down crap is making life awful.
Last night I just laid in bed thinking about what the past two weeks have been like for me, and I realized I havent even written. I always write, why haven’t I?
Writing is so theraputic, I love to write. It is everything to me. This blog, it means the world to me. So why haven’t I been writing? It’s simple, I’ve lost interest in what matters the most. I’ve lost interest in my children, my husband, my home, my dog, my work. I’ve lost interest in everything.
I need this vent, I depend on this blog to help me through the every day ups and downs, the trials and the triumphs. I love telling the world about the amazing stuff that happens in my life and my many blessings. It is hard talking about my failures, but I do the best I can.
I think the past two weeks of up and down I have experienced could have been helped if I had just sat down and told my readers about it, but I was almost embarrassed.
Me? Embarrassed? Yep, I felt embarrassed by my yoyo, and maybe I just didn’t want my readers to experience such an emotionally challenging time. There had to have been a reason for me not being able to write, and that seems like the only logical one. Then again, when dealing with bipolar and the rapid cycling, logic doesn’t exist.
The house is messy, the kids need baths, I haven’t done laundry in two weeks (my husband has been doing it) and I haven’t cooked dinner in, well, I cant even remember the last time I cooked.
I’m working on it, I’m trying my best to get back to a good place. I’m okay today but that is not very comforting as I know within a matter of hours I can soar up high again or hit rock bottom.
I hope my doctor has some answer soon, living like this is horrible. I need my life back.
Yo yo photo available from Shutterstock
This post currently has
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.
No trackbacks yet to this post.
Last reviewed: 14 Feb 2013