Depression is sneaky. It’s almost like one day you’re okay and then next you are wondering what happened to your life. Well, it feels that way to me at least.
I have brief episodes of depression more often than I would like. I cant say that it is crippling or severe depression, but it’s annoying and nagging. It’s just like a rain cloud hovering over me. A simple med adjustment usually does the trick to kick me back into high gear, but not always.
I started effexor the first of the year because I knew I was feeling glum. I was sleepy, overwhelmed, weapy, and extremely sluggish. I had no interest in anything and I just wanted to be a bum. I knew it was time to bring effexor back because I felt like I had lost all hope for happiness. I was right.
She gave me the effexor knowing I was not doing well just by the signs and sympoms I was having. Yesterday she pulled out her sheet of paper to score my depression since starting the effexor and it doesn’t look all that good. I’m right at the bottom of moderate almost to severe. Yikes.
I’m hanging on. I think I’m barely hanging on but I haven’t yet lost all hope for success and happiness but I can feel my grip loosening. My will to fight this is nearly non-existant, and I don’t want to do anything. I cant be like this. I’m trying to start my career and I cant afford for it to get much worse. I cant fall apart now.
I have been wondering if the classes, tests, and new career adventure I am on is part of what is causing me to fall so low. It’s a scary but constant reality I live with. Any time I try to work this happens. I get low, then lower, then to the lowest and I get to the point where functioning is impossible.
I want to be better than this illness. I want to succeed and I want to blossom. I want to be a happy woman with a good career, goals, and acheivements. I want to be anyone other than who I have been. I want to find a new me.
No matter how hard I try I cant.
I am considering taking a couple of weeks off to regroup, pull myself together, and get my head back in the game. I don’t know that it will help much, but I am considering it. I’d rather do that than fail again. I’d prefer doing anything over failing. I cant fail again.
My marriage is doing much better and my husband is doing much, much better too. I think we are on a upswing, no, I hope we are on an upswing. I love when our marriage is healthy and communication is there. I like when he sees me, and when he notices where I am weak and helps me to be strong. I love his strength – when he has strength.
We have taken a lot of time and have focused on the things that matter. It has been good. So if it has been good, why am I doing so very bad?
I increased my dose of effexor last week to 75 mg, so after one more week if the symptoms don’t improve I will increase to 150 mg. 150mg often throws me into a manic episode. I would almost welcome a manic episode right now it would definitely be better than what I’m dealing with. We do have the Latuda on hand if I start climbing my way up to mania we are able to quickly put a lid on my mood.
All I can say is I am crossing my fingers right now. I want to feel good again. I want to get better. I need to get better.
Depressed woman photo available from Shutterstock
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Last reviewed: 17 Jan 2013