Last night I lost it. I reached a point of no return and was completely “fed up” with being a mother. Sometimes it is so challenging that I want to throw in the towel and run away.
I know it’s my job. I try very hard to take all the crap in stride and keep going. Sometimes I do reach a level of total meltdown and I come fully undone in the middle of the kitchen. It has been a while since I felt so angry and frustrated. I hated everyone. It was hard, it was painful, and it was embarrassing.
It all started with my teenager. Kids these days think they are owed everything. It irritates me so much when he gets angry and throws a fit the moment he doesn’t get his way.
He ended up grounded indefinitely, and that is my fault entirely. He can’t take responsibility for his actions and places all the blame on me. I can’t stand it!.
He is grounded right now because 3 weeks into the year he was failing 3 of his 4 classes. We have the ability to monitor our kid’s grades online and once I received my log in information it was too late. I don’t mean barely failing; I mean his grades were at 55%. That is horrible.
Last year he barely passed 9th grade after taking credit recovery courses over the summer. It was stressful and overwhelming. Even those courses he barely finished. He waited until the last week to finish the second half of an 8 week course. Yeah, he’s lazy.
I can stay on top of him and demand him do his work but he still won’t. He says he does and then when I check he hasn’t done anything. The problem is the courses he is taking now are not updated weekly like they are supposed to so by the time it has been updated it is too late to do anything about it. We grounded him from everything except his phone, which he has limited time to use. He has been doing his chores and his homework (for the most part) but is still slacking. What was his excuse? “I still have 5 weeks left in the marking period, why are you stressing?”
Seriously? Maybe I should stop stressing and let him repeat 10th grade all together because if he fails 3 courses for one full semester he will not pass this year.
So with all this he was complaining and arguing, telling me he does “all this stuff” for me and I give him nothing in return. He does his chores and his homework so I have to allow him to have his weekend. Last I checked grounded covers pretty well all bases. No life, right?
Well after listening to him rant on and on while I am trying to fix dinner it wore me thin. I am not willing to stand there and get bullied and badgered by my teenager who thinks that I do nothing for him. He does 3 chores a day and his homework just like my other kids. I am not a slave driver and I don’t make him do everything, I just have him pull his fair share. Apparently, doing chores deserves a medal.
Well, everyone else in the house started after all this with my teenager and I just broke. I fell apart. The crying, whining and fighting was too much. It continued for about 3 hours and I flipped my lid. I didn’t go all crazy on the kids but I did go a little batty on my husband. He was trying to calm me down but there was no calming me down. I just went on and on.
I was hurting so deep. Then bedtime came. Bedtime with an autistic 3 year old is nearly impossible and mine to tackle alone every night because of my husband’s shift. I was already at my limit for stress before he started complaining about my toddler not going to bed. As he is going upstairs to tell the kids to settle down and to head to bed himself, he starts complaining. Then it got way out of hand. My chest got tight and I felt a bit of rage creeping in. I just wanted to leave. I couldn’t. I was stuck.
I went upstairs and started trying to get the kids to settle down and they wouldn’t. They knew I was stressed and overwhelmed and they played on that. My toddler didn’t settle down until 11, after my husband had left for work.
My husband gets cranky if the kids are loud while he is taking his evening nap. I struggle so much and stress out while trying to keep it quiet but then I fall apart even more. Evenings are so very hard; I just can’t deal with it. I’ve begged him to switch his shift after the New Year but he won’t do that either.
I honestly believe he would rather leave the harder stuff to me. Mornings are all mine with getting the kids up, ready, and out the door by 8 am. The evenings are all mine too, getting lunches packed and getting them showered/bathed and into bed. It feels like the hardest part of parenting falls onto my shoulders 5 days per week. Then on days 6 and 7 he is “off work” so I feel bad asking him to do anything.
I guess all around the toughest parts fall on me every day of the week. He sleeps in on weekends because of the hard shift he’s on so I get to deal with morning routines even when he’s off. Then he’s relaxing at night and I feel bad for that too, and the night routines are mine again.
It’s not like being stuck in a bad job; I can’t just quit and look for something better. There is nothing I can do but suck it up. I have a feeling he is going to ignore my pleas for him to go back to day shift after Christmas, and things will get really, really bad again. This happened once before and I ended up hospitalized. It was bad.
I believe it’s time to talk to my p-doc about a mood stabilizer. I don’t like them and can’t really handle the side effects but maybe for a temporary fix there is something that can help me through this rough patch.
It is October. I always notice a decline from October – December. I can’t take much more. It’s time to call my doctor.
Fed up mom photo available from Shutterstock
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Last reviewed: 8 Oct 2012