I saw my p-doc a couple days ago. We have decided to stop all antidepressants for a while and go with just a mood stabilizer. This makes me nervous because I have been on an antidepressant of some sort for almost 3 years now. Honestly, I am more terrified of a depressive episode than I am of anything else.
Being depressed sucks. Every single part of life is horrible when a depressive episode hits. It has negative effects on every person in my life in some way. I am scared of the idea.
I trust my p-doc 100%. I don’t doubt her, I don’t question her, and I don’t fear her or her decisions. I do fear the reactions I have been known to have to various different mood stabilizers though. That is where the fear settles in to the very deepest part of my heart. I don’t like mood stabilizers!
Well, I think it is time I try to relax a bit and go with things because I clearly don’t have the answers.
I tried Latuda last year and had a great response to it. There is a problem though. My great response was at only half of the recommended dose. We learned quickly I have to start at a lower dose on everything, and when she decided to bump me up to the “normal” dose I went a little crazy. I wrote about my terrible reaction in the blog post titled “I Had a Medication Induced Psychotic Episode”
My doctor liked my initial response to that medication, and she wants to start me at the low dose, and keep me at the low dose for as long as it helps, which hopefully is a great permanent solution. I still can’t help feeling major concern. We’ve tried so many meds and nothing works as well as this did on the lower dose. I really liked feeling calm, even toned, and put together.
Things around the house have gotten better. My husband read a couple of my previous posts ranting about how overwhelmed I am. He got upset (naturally) and felt like I was bashing him. One huge thing about my blog is that we have an agreement he has always held to. He is allowed to read my blog but he is never allowed to talk to me about it.
If he dislikes what I write it is his problem and he shouldn’t be reading it. For the past year and a half he has been very good about it and he has never once talked about the content in my blog. I admired his ability to do that, and loved the respect he had for me and my writing.
Well, after he took time to read my blog and all my readers comments he realized there was a problem. A very, very big problem. He posted on my FB wall that he loved me, and he knew I wasn’t doing that great and that he would always do anything to help me. He vowed to make changes.
He kept to his word and worked extra hard to help with everything and he gave me a much needed break from being a mommy. It was so refreshing, comforting, and incredibly sweet.
After about a week of pitching in more than he should have, he then lashed out at me about how he was trying so hard to help after I “bashed” him to the world. Well good grief, there goes our agreement – right out the window!
I reminded him that my blog is mine, and it’s my outlet. It’s my vent, my own personal “thing” that he is not allowed to intrude on. I apologized for hurting him and then he told me that it was a real eye opener once he got past the hurt. It made him see a lot of things, so in a way it was really good.
I appreciated his response to my dire need for assistance. Had I approached him with my concerns and my anguish he would have shut me down. Being able to read and dissect what I wrote as well as the many supportive comments from my readers it put things in a different light for him. He actually understood my problems.
That was a first.
We are still struggling here, mainly because I am all over the place with my moods. I am very snappy, short tempered, irritable, and just plain mean. That is why I am going to take a huge risk starting a med I know I had a bad reaction to previously.
I am scared.
I guess time will tell, I should have started the medication Wednesday night, but I have been a bit of a chicken. I think I I am going to start it tonight when my husband will be home with me and I can make sure nothing crazy happens. It could have also been a mixture of the 8 different meds I was taking at the time too. We aren’t sure.
I’ll keep the world updated on the progress of my new meds. Let’s hope the latuda can restore some of the lost balance. I need it!
Woman at the window photo available from Shutterstock
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Last reviewed: 20 Oct 2012