I have always been extremely sensitive with all issues surrounding my little guy. At 3 years old he is so far behind others his age but at the same time, there are areas in which he has progressed to a 5 year olds level.

I have been working with our county to get him tested, evaluated, and treated. I would like to believe the hardest part of the process was the process itself of evaluations, IEP’s, doctors, and therapists. I love my little guy and I am ready for him to make progress that I can’t seem to help him make on my own.

I got the call today. He starts pre-school services through the school on November 13. I’m stoked!

I haven’t started a new job in three years. That job lasted a whole three months before I fell into a major depressive episode with severe psychosis. It was a crazy time for me to say the very least.

Previously, any time I started work it was because of pressure from my husband. He could never tolerate me not working and not bringing in extra money. It was very hard on everyone because the decision to work was never my own, it was forced.

This time I am working because I want to work. It is a very part time position working about 12 hours per week. Again, it is on my terms with hours I am comfortable with and a job I enjoy doing. It is working out well.

I saw my p-doc a couple days ago. We have decided to stop all antidepressants for a while and go with just a mood stabilizer. This makes me nervous because I have been on an antidepressant of some sort for almost 3 years now. Honestly, I am more terrified of a depressive episode than I am of anything else.

Being depressed sucks. Every single part of life is horrible when a depressive episode hits. It has negative effects on every person in my life in some way. I am scared of the idea.

I trust my p-doc 100%. I don’t doubt her, I don’t question her, and I don’t fear her or her decisions. I do fear the reactions I have been known to have to various different mood stabilizers though. That is where the fear settles in to the very deepest part of my heart. I don’t like mood stabilizers!

Being a mother is probably the most rewarding yet unrecognized job any woman can have. We don’t get a paycheck for doing what we do, we hardly ever get a thank you for the things we do to keep our families together and we often get badgered when things slack a bit.

So why do we continue to work so hard every day to keep ourselves together for the sake of everyone in our home? Because we have no other choice, and the consequences of “sucking it up” are huge.

Over the past week I have had a gradual yet dramatic decline in my mental health. I have spiraled out of control so quickly that before I could grasp what was happening I was too far gone. I was drowning myself in motherhood. No matter how hard I tried I could not pick myself back up because it felt like every time I got my head straight something else would drag me down.

Apparently, I am not alone.

I have lost it. I am so completely out of control that I feel like I am suffocating. My chest hurts, it’s so hard to breathe. My eyes are filling up with tears that I wont let fall. I am broken.

The last 45 minutes I have relived a hell I have lived over and over again for month now, night after night. Nothing ever changes and the patterns repeat themselves over, and over, and over again. I’m living in a hell right now that I can’t make my way out of and my husband will not help.

I’m all mixed up. I am so depressed that I can hardly do anything. I have this beautiful new home, 4 amazing kids, and a pretty good life. So why is it so crushing? I don’t get it. I live heartbroken and anxious. I dread every single day. I don’t want to do anything. Even my normal every day routines feel impossible. Packing lunches, laundry, baths, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, cleaning, it’s all so normal but so hard. I can’t do anything.

Last night I lost it. I reached a point of no return and was completely “fed up” with being a mother. Sometimes it is so challenging that I want to throw in the towel and run away.

I know it’s my job. I try very hard to take all the crap in stride and keep going. Sometimes I do reach a level of total meltdown and I come fully undone in the middle of the kitchen. It has been a while since I felt so angry and frustrated. I hated everyone. It was hard, it was painful, and it was embarrassing.

It all started with my teenager. Kids these days think they are owed everything. It irritates me so much when he gets angry and throws a fit the moment he doesn’t get his way.

He ended up grounded indefinitely, and that is my fault entirely. He can’t take responsibility for his actions and places all the blame on me. I can’t stand it!.

Whether it’s something I need or simply something I want, it all feels the same.  I always, always feel guilty when I spend money.

One of my biggest problems throughout my adult life has been shopping. It isn’t necessarily about spending money I don’t have because I don’t do that anymore. I don’t know what it is but it’s driving me crazy!

I can always justify any purchase, small or large. I always have a great reason for buying stuff (that doesn’t consist of “it was too good to pass up!”).

Previously, all my spending landed us in a world of hurt and bankruptcy. I learned my lesson on that one pretty quickly and put a squeeze on all of my shopping. I reduced my Target and grocery trips to once a week. It helped a lot with controlling how much I spend, but I still cant shake the guilt I feel every single time I swipe that debit card!

Buyers remorse is killing me!