bipolar momYou know that moment where suddenly things that didn’t really make much sense come into crystal clear focus? Yeah, me neither. Not usually, because I am quite stubborn.

I did however, have that moment today. It very well may have been the first of its kind.

Where do I begin?

Over the last few months I have been writing about my past and current marital adventures (um, er, problems), and I have gotten an overwhelming bout of responses that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Nah, no way. Not me!

Secretly, I wanted to prove everyone wrong.  I researched the hell out of “emotional abuse,” or maybe “subtle emotional abuse,” or better yet “am I emotionally abused?” I had fully and completely convinced myself that I was not a victim of emotional abuse.

“Everyone needs to just see my life. If they could see how great it can be, they wouldn’t see it as abuse!”

I never really felt naive, until now.

A sudden moment of crystal clear understanding. Another “aha” moment came, followed by tears and pain so deep that I wanted to die. Well, I only wanted to die for a second. I am uncertain if it was out of shame, guilt, or genuine disgust. It doesn’t really matter.

We are very stressed with the upcoming move, my husband starting classes, and the kids getting ready to go back to school. So we are both fresh out of patience.

First, I was driving in the car today with my husband. To continue with this story, you need to understand first that I am pretty quick to say (sometimes joking, just because) “if they hit me, it would have been their fault!” even if I knew for certain I would have been at fault. It’s just one of those things, maybe a slight embarrassment, who knows? Anyway, on to my point.

I will frequently question myself or my husband, “whoops! did I just do that? My bad, was that my fault??” and try to figure out if I am being an idiot driver or not. During the big “aha event,” I was driving, and I turned left on a “yield” green light while a car sped through it. I did not realize until I was already turning how fast he was going and he nearly hit me.

My husband starts with his whole bad driving thing, and I ask “so, if he is speeding and hits me, who’s fault is it?” and then he goes off! Telling me all this crap about when I am driving and I screw up, I never fess up to anything and it’s always someone else’s fault, blah blah blah. Basically, he had a wild hair up his … well…you know, and he’s taking it out on me!

So I questioned, pretty calmly, “what did I just say to you?”  He repeated “If he is speeding and hit you, who’s fault would it be?” and I proved my point and stated “I just asked who’s fault it would be!” I was obviously a little annoyed but still calm over his irrational attack on me for asking a question. Then he laid into me again, and I (obviously!) snapped back! Mind you, I had raised my voice out of irritation, but I was not yelling. He lunged at me from the passenger seat and yelled at the very top of his lungs “Don’t yell at me!”

I wasn’t yelling. I was irritated. There is no way I could yell like a crazy woman and drive at the same time! There is also no way I could handle that type of verbal assault while driving either. I began sobbing in the front seat as he sat next to me, huffing and puffing in anger.

Aha.

That outburst (which is becoming more and more frequent) was not necessary. I never scream and yell at him like that. I may raise my voice and yell a little, but never in his face, screaming at the very top of my lungs to where his heart stops beating in his chest.

I am not innocent, not even by the hardest stretch of the imagination. I know I am crazy, and I have my issues. I do, however, at the very least value every person as a person and do not scream as if I have no sense.

I sobbed for at least an hour.

I think the hardest part of this moment was realizing I have spent the last nine years with an emotional abuser who would, with his dying breath, deny he was doing such a thing.

My heart can’t take much more of this ridicule. I think at that moment I would much rather he had hit me in the mouth.

I can still hear his scream in my mind, in my heart, and I feel it in my chest. It has to stop, now.

 

 


Comments


View Comments / Leave a Comment

This post currently has 26 comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

Trackbacks

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (August 16, 2012)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (August 16, 2012)

I’ll Take Some Stress Sprinkled With Chaos, and A Little Emotional Abuse On The Side « Crescent Therapy & Assessment Services (August 16, 2012)






    Last reviewed: 16 Aug 2012

APA Reference
Anonymous. (2012). I’ll Take Some Stress Sprinkled With Chaos, and A Little Emotional Abuse On The Side. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 22, 2014, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2012/08/ill-take-some-stress-sprinkled-with-chaos-and-a-little-emotional-abuse-on-the-side/

 

 

Subscribe to this Blog: Feed

Recent Comments
  • Joe R.: I was married for many years, wife decided to cheat 3.5yrs ago, had multiple affairs, I caught her, decided...
  • amy: I went to work pregnant & had a miscarriage while I was there. I had to call my husband to come get me &...
  • Shaunna: I just happened to come across this and its completely relatable. My husband is my biggest trigger and half...
  • Bob: It was very eye opening to read your story. I have had hyper sexual events almost all my life and never realized...
  • terribly sorry: I have read all ur postings and comments. It feels like my life. But the real question is how do we...
Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code



Users Online: 12240
Join Us Now!