I don’t even know where to start, so I suppose I will start at the beginning. Before I get into the horrible weekend that I had, I will just say that I made it through in one piece and only threw one major fit. I would rather have not thrown any fits at all, but I only threw one fit. I gave myself an atta-girl on that one.

Our refrigerator was supposed to be delivered Friday night, they called to tell me it would be delivered Thursday night instead. That wouldn’t work because we weren’t in the house yet, so they moved it to Monday. Goodness, this wasn’t starting well.

Our furniture delivery was supposed to be late Friday. They called Friday morning at 10 AM — we don’t even have keys yet — to deliver the furniture. There was no way around it so we had to have it delivered to my aunt’s garage. So frustrating. Anyway, just a small problem.

We were so happy to sit down at the closing table. To finally be homeowners again was an incredible feeling. Everything lined up, the bank had the wire transfer ready, the attorney was ready to record the deed, the movers were on their way, everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

My little guy will be turning three in less than a month. It amazes me sometimes at how excited I get watching him grow and learn. It was always exciting with my other three children, but this time — it’s just so different.

When my “typical” developing children hit their milestones, it was exciting, but expected. We knew it was coming and exactly what to expect. It was almost boring. We loved all the progress, but I didn’t want to throw a party and call everyone when my kids did the smallest things.

Now, when my little guy does something awesome, I have to call everyone and post it on facebook.

Yeah, he’s a really big deal around here!

Let me give some examples. Check out what he’s been up to!

Okay, I will be completely honest. Some of my followers scared the bejeebers out of me with the comments to my last post about starting Ritalin. It’s no one’s fault, and everyone’s fault. I have to blame someone – c’mon.

After reading some of the comments I promptly stopped taking the miracle pill and called my doc for an appointment. I was flustered, nervous, anxious and just all around an absolute mess! I just had to talk to her about everything I was finding out about Bipolar and stimulants.

What she told me is if I don’t need Ritalin, I will go high. Heck, even if I do need it, there is a chance for me to go high. Not what I was looking to hear.

Then she said what I did need to hear: “Sometimes you have to outweigh the risks vs. the benefits. I firmly believe the benefits here by far outweigh the risks.”

I also found out a few other key factors which make a little bit of sense here. Let me share…

You know that moment where suddenly things that didn’t really make much sense come into crystal clear focus? Yeah, me neither. Not usually, because I am quite stubborn.

I did however, have that moment today. It very well may have been the first of its kind.

Where do I begin?

Over the last few months I have been writing about my past and current marital adventures (um, er, problems), and I have gotten an overwhelming bout of responses that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Nah, no way. Not me!

Secretly, I wanted to prove everyone wrong.  I researched the hell out of “emotional abuse,” or maybe “subtle emotional abuse,” or better yet “am I emotionally abused?” I had fully and completely convinced myself that I was not a victim of emotional abuse.

“Everyone needs to just see my life. If they could see how great it can be, they wouldn’t see it as abuse!”

I never really felt naive, until now.

Well, after dealing with the continued harassment and abuse from Metlife, my husband and I have made a decision. I am not repaying them a single penny!

This can play out one of many ways, and any way it turns out we can handle. Here is the deal:

For all this long-term disability stuff, I had to fill out and sign a lot of paperwork just after being released from the hospital following an admission for several days due to suicidal/homicidal crap. I was heavily medicated and not in my right mind, at all, whatsoever. So, with that said, anything I signed is not legally binding considering my state of mind at the time.

They also knew by records they received that I had just been released from the hospital. This is good news.

Also, I am due a very small continued monthly benefit amount, which I really do not need. I would much rather have this lump sum available to me, especially with the move we have coming up in two (very short!) weeks.

It’s no secret that filing for SSDI and waiting through all the appeals and steps is not easy. I could not find an attorney to help me so I went through all the appeals on my own until I finally received a date for my SSDI hearing before an administrative law judge.

Once I reached this point, I was able to find an attorney to represent me for the hearing. I already voiced my opinion that this guy screwed me over more than once, and managed to make six thousand dollars by typing up a summary and showing up to the hearing. It really gets under my skin, but oh well, there is nothing I can do about it.

Once I went to my hearing I received a bench decision. It took them two months just to issue me an award letter. During this time, Metlife hounded and harassed me for the award letter. I was getting calls weekly asking where my benefits were, where my letter was, where my backpay was, etc., because I owed them an “overpayment” from the SSDI backpay.

Okay, I get it, but if I don’t have that information, I cannot provide it to them!

Through this wild and crazy adventure with Bipolar I have learned one thing: I am a bum. I’m lazy, I procrastinate, I have no focus, energy, or determination.

When a hypo-manic or manic episode takes control though, I am incredibly creative, full of energy and life, and I can really get things done. There is no procrastination, and everything makes sense. I am sharp-witted, smart and so incredible! I love myself so much during a manic episode.

Of course I do, that’s what Mania does!

During a casual conversation with my Aunt, she asked me if I had been screened for ADHD. Nope. Never. She then reminded me that I have many family members who have been diagnosed, and posed the question: what if my scattered mind is in fact dealing with some mild form of ADHD?

Hmm. Time to research.