Why is it when my mood is most sour, my kids do everything in their power to irritate the crap out of me?
If I am in a decent, or even a good mood, my kids are angels. They mind their manners, clean up their messes, and rarely fight. On the other hand, when I am feeling ill-minded, they seem like four little terrorists making every effort to sabotage my own efforts to find peace. What is up with that?
I think it comes down to the negative air around here. Content breeds content, and hostility breeds hostility. There is my aha moment for today.
The past month or so has been terrible for me. I battle daily with thoughts of running away, ending my marriage, leaving my home and my kids, and sometimes ending my life. It has been a struggle for me to just get through the day. Throw a little stress in there and I’m done. You can find me on the couch with my pillow and blanket curled up into a ball. Yep, that’s my day.
Pole dance much? Why yes, yes I do.
I think it’s time for some type of…something. I don’t know what it would be, but it is time for a change somewhere in my life. I don’t know if it is an inner change I need within my mind, my heart, my soul, or my life. I have no idea, and I am hoping my doctor can help me with that.
I never thought I’d ever say this, but I miss my Effexor. That was the only pill that made me feel half sane. It is a terrible drug, with horrible side effects both sexual and physical, but at least I was dancing around the middle of the pole instead of climbing up and falling flat on my ass.
I tried to work with a professional organizer (which worked well) but I couldn’t stick to that either. I fail at just about everything I try to do, and I feel like I am about to fail again. The thing about that is, I don’t have much left to fail at. Well, I suppose I could fail more at parenting, but shoot, I don’t know how much worse that can get either!
I don’t know what is happening with me, I am not a professional. I am sitting around drowning in pain that is unexplainable, dread that is unwarranted, and rage that is uncontrollable. I am starting to lose my fight hanging on to the pole, I think I am on my way down.
We have a move coming; everyone knows a move is incredibly stressful. Throw four kids in there who can’t seem to keep their own stuff together on top of the marriage crap, summer vacation with the kids, the Autism, and then life – all I see is failing. I can’t even cook dinner. My husband cooked tonight, and then commented how nice it was to sit down and have a “meal” together again. What’s that I hear? That’s me failing.
Gah, enough wallowing in my own self pity, I seem to do that a little too well. Maybe I am ready to try another medicine. I will see my doc on Thursday, and we will talk about it. She has been encouraging me to try something different, but after my most recent experience (a suicidal rage that I had to be sedated through) I have been terrified to try anything else.
We have figured out though that I need to be on an every-other-day type of dosing schedule because she feels my liver does not process and push meds out of my system properly.
She strongly believes that is the only explanation as to how I could forget my Effexor for three to four days without withdrawal symptoms. That is unheard of; most people get sick if they miss one dose. She feels that it is not my body reacting to the medications I am taking as much as my body gets toxic and then I have negative reactions.
I love my doctor, and I trust her. Something needs to happen now because I most definitely cannot live like this much longer. My entire life is falling apart around me. My husband and kids are going crazy, right alongside me, and that is not fair!
Hopefully I will start climbing back up again soon and stay there for a decent amount of time, without falling flat on my ass.
Woman in despair photo available from Shutterstock
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Last reviewed: 11 Jul 2012