Sometimes I Wish Life Had A Pause Button
Lately, I’ve felt emotionally stuck in a dark room, fumbling around, desperately trying to find the light switch that is just out of my reach.
The past week has been brutal for me. Life is sometimes unrelenting and I am seeing that more now than ever. I just do not know where to begin. I haven’t been writing because I have been so stuck in this place that has me spinning around in circles wishing I could stand still and focus. Everything about my life feels like one giant blur.
My kids are out of school for summer break. That has been stressful because of the fighting. I am working on them and I think they are finally finding a middle ground that might resemble peace on occasion. Great!
Everything has just been crazy! I wish I could pause life long enough to catch my breath.
My 15-year-old son has had some emotional troubles lately. I think it’s the video games; I am seeing a pattern there. I take the games away and he has a fit, flaring his arms out pacing back and forth much like a bird does when you get too close to its cage. A warning to back off. Well, I’m Mom, and I am certainly not going to heed his “warning” to me.
After that he had a fight with his bio-dad which in turn spawned a massive emotional breakdown. He feels this man who abandoned him at birth has no right to correct him about anything. He has taken to writing lately, letting out his hurt and anger that way. I am proud of him. It works for me, I hope it works for him.
My husband is weaning off of Effexor. This has not been pleasant. Quite a bit of bickering going on and me huffing and puffing, fighting off the rants and rages that come from confrontation. I am getting through it though, day by day. I understand first hand what he is experiencing so I am trying to be supportive. It is not easy at all.
My little autistic one is doing great. He is starting to parrot a bit. He doesn’t use words, but we can at least get him to say them. Yay! Hey, it’s progress and something to be grateful for. We are hoping with the right therapies this will progress into fluent speech. As for now, I will take being called “mowm” and love it.
Our house is coming along beautifully. One month from today we will be closing and moving. I am excited and fearful in the same breath. I am sure I will be okay, I just have to try to stay positive.
Then, I get news that my brother is having a major financial crisis and needs $1,500 immediately. My father and mother do not have it to give to him, and I am so frustrated that he would even need it. He does pretty well for himself, makes way more than we do, and then asks for help?
A couple months ago he paid cash for a $15k boat. Then they go to the beach every weekend three hours away to have fun, and then spend an entire week there at a luxury hotel. Now he needs to borrow $1,500 for a financial crisis?
All I can say is I hope my Dad appreciates the fact that I am not a complete douchebag; we helped them, and they didn’t even say thanks. I didn’t really want to help, considering their choice of lifestyle (good grief! I haven’t had a vacation such as theirs in many years). I guess that is why I was able to help, huh? I am not a person who can leave someone I love in desperate need, knowing I am able to help. I hope I get it back soon; I have a house to buy!
We had to turn one of our dogs over to the Boston Terrier Rescue group today. That was incredibly difficult and jerked me right back into the pretty dark place I thought maybe I was beginning to come out of. We took him in last year; he had been severely abused. I loved him and taught him how to love. He had come so far and is such a good boy. He is not good with the littlest family member though. He is very scared of him, and has growled and scared me. With him having Autism, I have decided that it would be safer to put this previously abused Boston boy in a home where he doesn’t have to be scared all the time.
I spent a good two hours crying in my car after I dropped him with his foster mommy. I did not realize the bond I had with this dog who was much like me, broken. He was so special and amazing, and he helped me heal a lot. He was “my” dog, my buddy, followed me everywhere. I just could not risk my toddler hurting him, or worse, him hurting my toddler.
I feel like I’ve been left with another hole in my heart where he was. We still have our girl Boston who is wandering around so lost without her buddy. The kids are sad, I am sad, she is sad. It is a very sad day around here. It just doesn’t seem the same. It kind of feels like we are down one kid, and being that it is so permanent, I am having a hard time letting go. It hurts deeply.
So, there has been a lot happening around here. That is pretty much everything in a nutshell. I have made a list about all the things I want to write about, it is very long and I am super excited to start writing about other really cool and interesting stuff. I can’t wait!
Pause button photo available from Shutterstock
, B. (2012). Sometimes I Wish Life Had A Pause Button. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 23, 2017, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2012/07/sometimes-i-wish-life-had-a-pause-button/