Archive for February, 2012

Letting Go Of The Past Isn’t Very Easy….

Thursday, February 23rd, 2012

woman in thoughtI’m not the only ‘bad guy’ in my marriage. My husband has done some pretty crappy things too. If I were to try to list the stuff he’s done throughout our 8 year marriage I think it would take days. Anyway, to sum it up he’s cheated (twice - once more than me!) lied, snuck around, emotionally abused me and has been a jerk to me.

Less than 2 weeks after we married he went out of town for something with the Army and slept with a stripper at his “bachelor” party he had after we were already married. Then less than 2 months after we were married he went to visit a friend for some graduation ceremony out of town and spent the night with a woman. Don’t ask how I found these things out, just know that I am very resourceful.

Anyway, I found out about the woman he stayed overnight with shortly after the event and found out about the stripper during a “confession” while 8 months pregnant with our fourth child. If only I had known sooner, I would be without these amazing kids of mine and the decent life I live every day.

So more to the point, I spent roughly 7 years in total hell before things came around and got a little better. He wonders now why I still have a hard time trusting him. Wow. Just….wow.


My Son Is Moving Back Home!

Tuesday, February 21st, 2012

suitcaseBack in October of last year my 15 year old son and I came into some major problems. He began to feel resentment towards me and the fighting that came about left me an absolute emotional wreck. One day, I had to actually call the police because his actions terrified me. His aggression was out of control.

He asked to move with his biological father. I was stunned. His father has not ever been a part of his life despite my efforts for years to force a relationship. It was very hard on me for a long time but eventually I resorted to the fact that his father just didn’t care. When my son asked to live with him I agreed. I wanted him to have the chance to get to know the man he never knew. It was hard to let him go, but as he was approaching his 15th birthday, I knew that this decision was his to make, not mine.

I talked to his father and we agreed he would move with him. While I was not happy with the idea I supported whatever relationship they may have been able to find through this move. I cried, a lot. I crashed into the most terrible depression ever and had the worst 2 months of my life. Letting him go was so hard. I had him with me since the day he was born. It wasn’t like he was venturing to college or moving on his own.

He was almost 4 hours away, living with strangers. It broke my heart.


Understanding Bipolar: Why Sometimes, I Won’t Take My Meds

Sunday, February 19th, 2012

blue pillsI am guilty. I have gone off my meds against my doctor’s advice more than once. So I will speak from my own experience here as to why I sometimes refuse my meds. Maybe someone trying to understand “why” can see through my experience some of the reasons. While I know it is not good or healthy to stop taking my meds, sometimes the choice is based on emotions and feelings that I can’t explain.

In my opinion, without a great doctor who is willing to work closely with a patient who has bipolar, failure is imminent.

There are all sorts of reasons and trying to explain them is difficult. My most recent abrupt med stop was due to an extreme case of scatterbrain. I know, bad description - but it’s all I have.

I was confused at times and disoriented. My memory was terrible and my mood was stale. I was not irritable but I was irrational. I was craving energy and enthusiasm that I no longer had. I almost felt like I was in a fully awake and functioning emotional coma. It was horrible.


Understanding Bipolar: Infidelity – Forgiving an Unforgivable Betrayal

Thursday, February 16th, 2012

cheating womanLast year, when I wrote about my own experience with infidelity, the initial response was a little overwhelming. I was still new at blogging and hadn’t yet learned how to “let things go.”

Surely if I am going to air my dirty laundry I should be prepared for what will come. I was not prepared though for the judgement that would be passed by one person who had read my blog. I am going to assume this one person had been badly betrayed by someone he had loved, many times.

Here was what he had said:

Once,

If this is so it would be statistically significant. Most bipolar women are hyper-sexual when manic and have many one night stands mixed in with phone and Internet sex as well as long standing affairs. The appearance of a single data point says that you have the moral flexibility for infidelity and deceit and as these manic episodes are cyclic in nature I am curious if you have admitted to the least of your behaviour and are still hiding the rest of the iceberg. I takes low self esteem as well as poor boundaries to cheat, however if you add a manic episode than all the stops are out and it becomes very likely this was not as you say a one time thing.

When I had read his comment it became very clear to me, the stigma I was working so hard to fight. “Most bipolar women…” really got me good. He also went on to state that I “have the moral flexibility for infidelity and deceit…”


Where Did I Go? I Miss Me

Friday, February 10th, 2012

woman hidingLast year I had an amazing determination that I envy today. Where is that woman? I miss her. She needs to come back.

I feel broken right now. Everything just seems to be spinning out of control and my head is also spinning. I am so depressed, I guess it is time to up the Wellbutrin.

Where is my strength? My determination? My will to succeed?

When my oldest left last year to live with his father, it broke me. My family is broken and so is my heart. I am still trying to heal from losing him. I spent 15 years loving him and raising him, and sending him to his father’s left my heart bleeding inside my chest. It has been four months and my heart still bleeds. I think it is time for him to come home where he should be, with me and his siblings. We all miss him so much.

A few months before he left I had found a determination I had never known before to “beat this thing” with every bit of strength I could muster. I was so proud to be proud of who I was. I never would have thought to tuck my tail out of embarrassment or shame. This weekend when I freaked out over a party, I tucked my tail. I lost.


My Long Term Disability Claim Has Been Closed, What?!?

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

closing doorI’d like to “pretend” that I am the most stable, loving, caring, level-headed person I know. Unfortunately I know that stable and level-headed I am not. This is where it gets a little sticky.

I’ve been on long term disability for some time now. About 3 months ago when I had switched my doctors they started requesting new information from me. With a doctor switch comes med switches which in turn sent me into a tailspin. To this day I still have a large block of time I simply do not remember. Medication induced yes, but I do not remember what happened during about two months.

Once we determined the medications were causing serious problems, my doctor immediately discontinued them and we moved in a different direction. However there were verbal requests and conversations I simply (and honestly!) just do not remember. If I don’t remember even speaking to someone how am I supposed to remember to get them what they ask for?


My Home Is My Safe Place

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

safe homeIt has taken some time for me to figure out how to “live” with mental illness. The anxiety and panic at times can be suffocating, overwhelming, and just plain difficult. Over the past couple of years I have slowly learned the more time I spend at home, the better I am.

Now when I plan my week most of the days are spent home, being “lazy” I suppose. I have days where I am active and rock at all my chores and might actually sing along with some music. Other days I can barely get up off the couch. The best part of being at home is I can be whatever I need to be to get through the day. I don’t have anyone here judging me or my mood, laughing when I’m silly, staring when I’m crying, or judging when I’m lazy. This is my safe place, and I am happy in my safe place!


Bad Teachers Bring Out The Worst In Me

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

teacherMy 7 year old has always struggled a bit with some of his motor skills. For example, he was nearly five years old before he could even peddle a bike, and even that was a challenge. So when it came to teaching him to tie his shoes it was no surprise to me the challenge that we faced.

Here is my story.

His feet are very narrow, so any Velcro shoes are out of the picture for my little guy. Now that we got that one important fact out of the way, we recently had to switch him to laced shoes. I had worked with him prior to my surgery to try to teach him but it always ended with us both frustrated and him nearly in tears feeling like a failure. I hated seeing him so upset because he couldn’t learn something that he felt should be easy, so I started avoiding this task. I would soon discover giving up (temporarily!) was not a good idea.

Over Christmas break I had my surgery so things around here were chaotic at best. My husband was taking care of me and the house so shoe tying was the last thing on our mind. When I was getting him ready for school his first day back he informed me that his teacher told him he had to learn before he came back to school, and I snapped (like I do) and said “well then tell HER to teach you!”  Well, he did.


 

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