Archive for January, 2012

Making A Major Financial Decision – I Just Can’t Do It!

Sunday, January 29th, 2012

past due billsMy illness has destroyed my family financially, for years. It’s not big secret that being bipolar has major financial consequences when left untreated. Our case is no different. Recovering has been hard but not an impossible task.

About 3 years ago we opened a business  (which was because of me) and I ran it well, but the economy squashed it. We were only open for about 6 months before we had to close our doors and liquidate. At this time we decided to file for bankruptcy, give up our home (which to this day I still miss) and move into a rental. We had to uproot our children – something we’ve done more than I ever would have liked – and move out of town. My oldest son suffered the most in that move when he had to leave his very close friends in the neighborhood. Honestly, I feel that may have a lot to do with the anger and attitude we deal with from him today.

Anyway, we were financially ruined and tens of thousands of dollars in debt. We gave up our cars, and had no savings at all. We managed to get enough money to buy me an older van to get around in, and my hubby ended up in an even older car because the bankruptcy trustee took his to liquidate to get $1000 towards the estate. It was all such a messy process – there were times I was unsure if my marriage would survive.


Hypo-Mania Coming On? I Hope Not

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

happy womanI am calm, relaxed, and happy. I am content with the way things are and satisfied with how I feel. Being so calm and relaxed, it is a sign of something coming – according to my psychiatrist.

I saw my doc today, she is concerned and voiced her concern very discreetly, the way she does. We were talking about the calm after this storm I’ve been in. How it feels really good to finally feel relaxed, calm and content again. She did not feel the same elation I did regarding my very, wait, extremely calm mood. Why can’t I just be happy? I wish I could climb inside her head to grab a better understanding of why she is concerned.

My moods are generally all over the place. After the past 4 weeks of ups and downs following my surgery, a calm and relaxed mood is more than welcome. My doctor thinks otherwise. She has me charting my moods pretty aggressively now – 4 times a day – to see what is going on. It is so infrequent that I am this calm that she even said “I haven’t seen you this well, ever, and that is what concerns me” and I wonder to myself - is this the calm before the storm? Or is this the calm following 3 weeks of brutal hell?

Either way, I feel a little robbed that she cannot just let me enjoy it.


Feeling Good! 3.5 Weeks Post-Op

Sunday, January 22nd, 2012

sleeping womanWell, I must say the past 3 weeks have been like living in an ongoing nightmare. Dealing with pain and trying to take pain medication as little as possible, while still trying to be a mother and a wife has been quite difficult. It’s been like, well, like a nightmare.

I think I finally woke up! I can sleep on my side again which means a full night of rest for me. I can also (somewhat) walk upright, so the pain in my back is getting much better. The sore spots where the herniation in the muscle were have healed well, and I feel very little twinges here and there but not often.

I told everyone I knew that if they ever thought they wanted a tummy tuck (whether medically necessary or not) to never ever do it. I think my tune is changing. To deal with 2+ weeks of torturous pain for the result I have now has made it worth it. Now, if we can get these two spots that don’t want to heal to change their tune a little all would be great.


Turning 15 – My Oldest Is Approaching Manhood

Friday, January 20th, 2012

teen boyMy oldest has celebrated his 15th birthday. It doesn’t feel like it has been 15 years since I first held that beautiful baby boy in my arms for the first time.

I myself was only 15 when I found out I was pregnant. I had called my stepmother and asked her to pick me up from school. I was scared and alone. When she picked me up, I asked her to buy me a test. Shocked but supportive, she took me to the doctors where they gave me a pregnancy test. The doctor came in with his head hanging, and told us I was pregnant. My step mom and I both burst into tears at the same time, hugging as if we just received the worst news possible. It was pretty bad, but it was a baby – it could have been worse.

She took me to the mall and bought me a gestational calendar. It was a neat calendar, it listed how the baby was developing daily so that I could have a better understanding of what was happening inside my body. It was a great tool throughout my pregnancy.


Non-Drivin’ People Turn Me Into A Nut!

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

bipolar momOver the past few days I have driven a total of 18 hours. That is a lot of driving, and being on the road with a bunch of non-drivin’ people has really worn me thin. I need an ativan.

Truck drivers scare the bejeebers out of me. When I first started driving I was almost squashed between two tractor trailers. That has left me terrified of them – especially when they start weaving. Oh dear! Trucks need to be more aware of the little car beside them, to prevent women like me from having a heart attack every 10 minutes.

Then you have the slow pokes. Yep, that’s right, you know who you are. You drive in the left lane poking along - usually 5-10 miles below the posted 70 mph speed limit – while the car next to you (in the right lane, where you should be) is going the same speed. This can carry on (as I have learned) for as long as an hour. Don’t you folks check your rear view mirror, ever? Can’t you see the mile long line of traffic behind you? Then there is the person behind me, flashing their lights and riding my bumper when I have 4 kids in the car. Yeah, you also know who you are. Guess what? I can’t go any faster than the car in front of me.


I Just Want My Life Back – 2 Weeks Post Op

Thursday, January 12th, 2012

bipolar momRecovery from such a major surgery has not been easy. I had my follow up this past Monday and things look okay…sort of.

I am having some problems with healing, it hurts and it’s yucky. It’s crazy they talk about risks, but they don’t mention how gross and painful it can be! I’m hanging in there though, as best as I can.

The depression has gotten much better, I am able to do a little more every day. I still can’t lift the baby but at least I can hold him on the couch. He’s been having sleeping problems the past week or so, we’ve been up until 1 am with him – I’m exhausted.


I’ve Learned So Much About My Kids By Resting On My Couch

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

woman on couchThe past week has been a challenge for me. First I had to leave my husband and children for 3 days to have surgery. I don’t like leaving them, I always feel the need to be with them no matter what. That was really hard. I was with my mom which made it a little bit easier, but emotionally being away from them hurt like hell.

When I made it home I couldn’t snuggle my kids and welcome big hugs and kisses from them, I went straight to bed. It was heartbreaking for me to lay in bed without getting their sweet goodnight kisses. It left this gaping hole inside my heart, I just took a pill and went to sleep.

As the days passed I slipped into a depression, crying over nothing and everything. My kids saw this and buckled down to try to give me as much love as possible without hurting me. Slowly the heartache started to subside and the tears dried up. I was able to snuggle them and kiss them all, without much bother to my incisions. It became clear to me how large a role my kids play in my depressive episodes, and how much love can heal me when my heart aches so much.


On The Road To Post-Op Recovery, Depression Hits

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

sad womanI am 5 days post-op. This has been a very rough surgery and recovery for me, harder than any other procedure. Now the depression has settled and I seem to burst into tears at any given moment – completely unprovoked.

I had a full tummy tuck with extensive muscle repair on December 28th. I have had severe problems with pain due to some muscle tears, looseness, and severe abdominal weakness. It contributed to my depression worsening over the past couple of years, so I took a leap of faith (and trusted 6 different doctors who put their recommendation in) and went ahead and had it done.

Yesterday I called my mom to give her an update and began crying as I remembered I did not take one single picture at Christmas and those were memories I could not get back. (I am still emotional over that too) My mother thought I was being so sensitive, mainly because I did not stop crying.


 

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