The holidays this year (sort of like last year) have been quite challenging for me. The hustle and bustle of Christmas has gotten the best of me and I tried my hardest to get into Christmas, but I lost. I made sure the magic of Christmas stayed alive and burning in my kids’ hearts, but the flame was long gone in my own.
They were bright-eyed and happy every day counting down until Christmas morning. My daughter gave her night time binky to Santa in her stocking with the hopes he would exchange it with a pair of beautiful earrings. She was right, and in the very bottom of her stocking where she had left her binky, was a tiny box with a pair of gold earrings. In her eyes I could see the sparkle that I was missing in my own.
I really had a good Christmas, my mom came in from Germany, my big brother came down for a couple days, and my other older brother and his wife and children also joined us on Christmas night for dinner and more presents. With my level of stress over the weekend I was surprised – I held it together the entire time. I didn’t lose my cool or have an anxiety attack with all those people in my house. It felt really good.
My husband got me lots of wonderful gifts, one being a new vacuum (yep, a house thing) which I have been waiting to get for quite some time. It’s a nice one too.
My hubby and I had some down time to ourselves, it was really nice. I was starting to miss our closeness. When I get overwhelmed with stress and anxiety it is nearly impossible to get close to anyone, so once things calmed the snuggling was more than welcomed by him…he had been waiting.
I left this morning with my mom for my surgery and being 3 hours away, we are now in a hotel. It’s nice to have this time with her because I don’t see her often since she moved to Germany. We went to dinner and had a great time, then spent some bonding time over at Wal-Mart (my least favorite store on this planet) gathering the things I need for my recovery.
I have been terribly anxious over the upcoming surgery, but it hasn’t been as overwhelming now that I am here. I have been given the go ahead to take my ativan in the morning before I head in there, hopefully that will keep away any panic or anxiety attacks that may try to sneak up on me.
While seeing the surgeon though, he noticed that my pelvis is tilted a good ways further than “normal” — he guessed over an inch. I have been having terrible problems with my right knee and ankle, and my orthopedic doc didn’t know what was wrong. Well, we figured it out. My right leg is more than an inch longer than my left leg. Now he has recommended that I visit with a sports medicine specialist to get it corrected, assuming that is likely the cause of that pain.
He also agreed with the 3 other specialists I have seen regarding my abdominal muscles and feels strongly he can eliminate most (if not all) of my abdominal and lower back pain. When he looked at me and said “you’ll probably be able to do a lot of things with your kids that you can’t do now, and that will be great!” I got very emotional and began crying.
I am not the mom I want to be with the chronic pain I have and it’s a very sore subject for me. I am hanging a lot of hope on this surgery, and I know a lot of others are too. I am ready to start living again like I used to.
I hope he is right, and the new year will be a new beginning for me, or at least the start of being able to do all the things I miss doing. Sometimes the pain is so bad, I can’t even tuck my kids in because I can’t make it upstairs, or I have to turn a needy snuggle bug away who just wants to be close to me.
I’m ready to reclaim myself and my life, and my role as a mother and wife. Let’s do this!
Child with present photo available from Shutterstock.
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Last reviewed: 28 Dec 2011