The holidays this year (sort of like last year) have been quite challenging for me. The hustle and bustle of Christmas has gotten the best of me and I tried my hardest to get into Christmas, but I lost. I made sure the magic of Christmas stayed alive and burning in my kids’ hearts, but the flame was long gone in my own.

They were bright-eyed and happy every day counting down until Christmas morning. My daughter gave her night time binky to Santa in her stocking with the hopes he would exchange it with a pair of beautiful earrings. She was right, and in the very bottom of her stocking where she had left her binky, was a tiny box with a pair of gold earrings. In her eyes I could see the sparkle that I was missing in my own.

I had a hysterectomy over a year ago. I had a lot of problems that I no longer have to deal with and I am happy about that. However, they did leave one ovary.

At the age of 30 my doctor did not want to push me into menopause by taking both ovaries, so I still occasionally suffer with PMS. I usually don’t even notice, maybe a little extra swelling and a little more emotionally sensitive but never really that big of a deal.

This week, I think I lost my mind a few times now, and the worst of it still isn’t over! I’m thinking that a combination of PMS, bipolar (that we are still working on) and the holidays is dooming me to be in a permanent state of “psycho mom” until Christmas is over.

Come to think of it, every single Christmas I battle the PMS, and then by new years my special “friend” is visiting. It’s been that way as long as I can remember, and now with no uterus, it is still bad.

I think my body hates me!

My husband and I really had it out this weekend, and I’m not ready to let it go yet!

He has had so much free time over the last 3 months it’s ridiculous — while I get to be at home taking care of the kids. In September he went out of town for a weekend (alone) for a wedding. Okay, great. Then, roughly a month later I went out of town to visit my family, taking all the kids with me. He enjoyed the weekend crashing at his friend’s house visiting bars and working on his schoolwork. Again, whatever. It’s life, he has a job I don’t.

Then following all of this he starts going out with friends (mutual friends) every single weekend, returning home usually sometime after 3 am. I start getting annoyed, but protesting his behavior would most definitely result in the mother of all fights that is sure to last a week. So I just keep my mouth shut.

He goes out six weekends in a row!

My two year old son has developed an obsession with our iPad. All my kids have loved having it around, but not like him. I’m starting to believe he is better with it than all of us combined.

He can play his cartoons and movies, and any game of his choice. It is a straight -up obsession. No one can use it if he is around, and he knows where we keep it. When he wakes up he has to have his juice, snack and iPad. Isn’t that a shame?

After this huge issue with all these new medications, I can’t seem to get myself together. I had an appointment with my pdoc and she supported me dropping all the meds and staying with the Welbutrin and Ativan until after the holidays and my upcoming surgery.

My doctor is amazing (to me…so far) as she witnessed a very mild hypomanic episode and told me of her fear that I was climbing up. That was short lived, in fact only two days of peace before I bottomed out, again.

Depression is my enemy. I will have anywhere from 6-8 major episodes of depression per year. I know when I am going down, but I never really realize when I am going up. I think she was right, because today I felt a mild ‘crash’ which really sucks. I won’t be surprised if my husband fires me, or trades me for a better model!

Well not really, but it’s a random thought.

When I sat down with my pill sorter and began filling it up with my morning and evening doses I began to cry. I believe a large part of that had to do with starting a new antidepressant, but I know the overwhelming sadness came along with the revelation that I am on too many medications.

How am I supposed to care for my children when I can’t keep myself together?

For the past two weeks I have managed to scare the hell out of everyone I know and love, I am filled with fear and anxiety, and have panic attacks at night. The panic attacks were so severe that I’d run around locking doors and peeking out the windows, certain someone was watching our house. I have also been mean to my kids.  I just can’t do this anymore.