I have a wonderful psychiatrist now. She is very kind and caring, she allows me to have a voice about my treatments, and she doesn’t really pressure me about medications. I love that about her.

I am now on welbutrin as well as the saphris and cogentin for side effects. I recently also started cholesterol medication. It’s so frustrating sometimes, but since I got a pill sorter for AM and PM medications, it’s made it easier for me to keep track of the many medications I have to take.

I have been overly anxious starting the new meds and I think it is because of one I am taking. I sometimes feel like I am crawling out of my skin, and other times I feel both exhausted and anxious at the same time. It really is a very creepy and indescribable feeling. I also have not been on antidepressants, and because of that I am so weepy…it totally sucks!

I think I am coming closer to reality these days. It feels pretty good too.

With all the med switching and withdrawal and my oldest coming into town for Thanksgiving, it hasn’t been too terribly bad. However, my “moments” *(those times I wish I could take back what said/did) seem to be more frequent for me now.  I haven’t been the best wife, and I certainly don’t have any patience, at all, whatsoever.

I am doing my best to keep things going as smooth as possible and I’m failing miserably. I have been having a lot of amnesia type stuff going on, I am assuming because of the Saphris. I am not certain about it, but it’s irritating. I ordered something online and didn’t even know until $180 magically disappeared from my bank account. Imagine the horror of seeing that much money pop up missing, for a power tool! Good grief.

Being totally off effexor has been tough for me, but I am now trying Saphris – the full 10mg. It’s messing with me so much that I still feel drunk this morning after I took it. I’m not sure if it is all the meds I’m taking with it to counteract the restlessness. That’s is one of biggest side effects. This morning it is so bad I’m even having a hard time typing.

My kids are out of control, and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is because of the med change, irritability, or just plain me. I’m finding it so hard just to get through a day since I stopped the effexor. My doctor assured me that it will only last a couple of weeks, but this is just ridiculous.

I can be irresponsible with money, we all can. I can be moody and irrational, but we all can be at times. I can be emotional and overbearing, I can be misunderstood and frequently have a problem with misunderstanding others, but we all can.

So, since I am suffering from mental illness, does that mean every single flaw and mistake, moody and emotional day, needs to be pointed out and placed under a microscope? Absolutely not. It does no good. All it does is make me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Sometimes it makes me feel like I want to die, and like everyone around me would be better off if all of these terrible traits of mine were gone right along with me.

I am completely off my Effexor now (thank goodness) but I am having a horrible week. I want to crawl under the covers and not get up. I want to pack my bags and head out of town for a few days. I want to run away. I think that makes more sense then sitting here crying, drowning in self pity.

My husband and I are at odds, and then he wants to pretend everything is okay, when it’s not. It is seriously starting to irritate me down to the “pluck every single nerve you can find” feeling.

My 7 year old son tells me, “mommy, you’re so lucky you don’t have to go to school. It must be awesome not having to learn all day every day”.

I began laughing and responded “oh son, you have no idea. You never quit learning when you grow up, you just get to learn different things.” He then says, “well name 3 things you learned today!”

I laughed and went back to cooking dinner. I took some time to ponder his demand for me to share my wisdom. What do I learn? How much have I learned this week? How many lessons had I forgot, only to be painfully reminded at a later point, taking a note to self to remember next time?

So I would like to list some of the things I have learned (and re-learned) this week as a mom of 3 small kids.

My relationship with my 14 year old son was getting very fragile. With everything he was going through inside, I was very concerned for him. I was also concerned for myself and my ability to keep it together for his sake. I haven’t done too bad.

He moved in with his father 6 weeks ago. So far it is going very well. After speaking to his father’s fiance I have learned a lot about the relationship these two guys are developing. The growth on both sides has been remarkable.

All of his life, my son has craved a relationship with the father he never knew. He was always full of questions about him and I was always avoiding the truth. I would give simple answers like “I’m sorry, I just don’t know” or “well, next time you see him, ask him!” but it was never good enough.

I have not had a good week, at all. In fact, I’ve been doing really bad. We’ve all been sick with a severe cold here, and that combined with med changes I’ve been a mess. I even began to wonder if I wanted to continue to blog. I was digging myself deeper into a hole that I couldn’t find my way out of. It has been really bad. Until I read this…

“….I have YOU (and GOD) to thank for my second chance at life! I just had to let you know when the haters are bashing you and life is beating you down, always remember your candidness has saved a life”

To many people, I am just words in a blog. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t take into consideration a real woman, with a real family and a real mental illness is sitting behind these words. A woman who tries to fight to be better, a woman who tries to raise good kids, a woman who tries to live her life behind a mask.