I Failed My Son – Miserably
My son spent a little time with his father this weekend. I guess it looks like he is really leaving. I’m all mixed up right now and have no idea what on earth to do.
I miss my little boy, I miss my son. He is a stranger to me these days and I am so unsure as to how to approach this entire situation. My kid hates me with a passion, and this has been slowly evolving over the past year or so. He is angry with me because he can’t go to the school he wants to go to, or because I can’t drive him 30 minutes down the road to go to the movies because I am having some health problems.
He hates me because I won’t let him play paintball in the yard at 11 at night to bother the neighbors, or wander the streets in the middle of the night with a group of kids. He also hates me because I make him do a chore or two when he gets home from school, or because I make him clean his toilet. He hates me because I don’t have enough money to buy the game he wants, or because I shut his cell phone off for being disrespectful. He despises me for not allowing him to bully his younger siblings, and for taking his video games away for getting an F in science.
He says I am always yelling at him for something and I am in fact not even raising my voice. If I do have to raise my voice he gets violent. He says that I am horrible and so mean all the time and that he can’t wait to get away from me. He says that he’ll never, ever come home that he never wants to live with us again. He says so many hateful things – I am so hurt.
I have been crying, a lot. I am so confused. I work so hard to try to keep him in line and teach him respect and it blows up in my face. Then when it does blow up in my face (and he blows up in my face) I blow up back and it just escalates into the most horrible living hell.
I want my son back, I want my baby back. He was always so loving and sweet, caring and kind, he was just an amazing kid. He’s always had issues with authority but I could usually keep him pretty well controlled with gentle reminders that his behavior isn’t acceptable, when did this become our life?
We can’t even have a normal conversation without him cussing at me or being rude, raising his voice or getting in my face.
When he does it and I step back up to him, it only gets worse. This is just so out of control. In the last year he has changed so much and the more he outgrows me, the more he tries to get aggressive.
I have spoken with his father and he has agreed to take him in. This is my last effort at resolving all of this anger and resentment he has against me. I am tired of being the one taking the blame for his father not being in his life. I am not sure how but it always comes back to me not trying hard enough to force a relationship between them when I exhausted myself over it for 10 years. Eventually it just became too hard to keep going back.
I just cannot understand how all these years I have taken the blame from my son and kept my mouth shut about his father just not returning my calls and not showing up, I just took it because I thought that was best. Maybe if I would have been a little more honest with him about the reasons his father wasn’t around, he wouldn’t hate me so much today.
All I wanted to do was protect my son from the harsh realities of the life his father lived, so I did my best to keep him in the dark. I think he resents everyone around for his lacking relationship with his father instead of the one who deserves it. He has glorified his father now and nothing will change that. All this “protecting” I have done for him is costing me my child. In the end I am not going to win.
If finding a relationship with his dad will help him heal and move forward with his life – then I am 100% supportive. This is my last effort to help my son get over all of this hatred, resentment, and anger he carries around every day of his life. I want him to get better, I want so much for him to be happy. I want my tears to dry. I want to hear him laugh again and see him smile. I am so hurt.
Photo by Adhar Shanny Acosta Rocha, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
, B. (2011). I Failed My Son – Miserably. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2015, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2011/09/i-failed-my-son-miserably/