Early this morning I was chatting with my hubby. I was laying on his back and just enjoying a moment of peace and quiet before the monsters began to stir. It was so nice, comforting, soothing. It reminded me a little of when I was a kid and my dad could make everything better with a hug. Only now, it was my hubby, making everything better just by being there next to me. It was heaven!
We had a very hard marriage for the first few years. I mean pure hell, total rottenness. I hated him more than I loved him, and he was quite a jerk. There was a mix of lies, cheating, secrets, and a whole lot of deceit. I honestly couldn’t tell you how we made it through all of that but we did.
I’m not too sure what happened or how things changed, but over time it just seemed to all iron itself out. I married a man who wasn’t ready to commit. I guess that could put some of our issues into prospective. That made it VERY hard. He kept in contact with old girlfriends and thought that I was just a controlling lunatic. Who knows, maybe I was. Regardless, we lived several years in hell. We had good times but those were few and far between.
By the time our daughter was born, it became more of an obligation to stay married. Then I got some great advice which helped me a lot. My cousin said to me “sometimes you stay married because you are married and that’s it.” I think that’s what we did. It was easier to stay married and deal with the crap than it was to throw in the towel. With 3 kids, bills, and responsibilities, divorce was just not an option. For a long time we were just “married.”
When I had my breakdown last year, we had made some progress in our marriage. There was love, but there was also some residual resentment from years of not having much other than a “marriage.” When I officially lost my mind, our marriage almost instantly healed. We began to see each other for who we were, and began to lean more on one another for emotional support and encouragement. Both of us were struggling and through that struggle we really began to fall in love.
He helped me and supported me through the worst. Who can really stand behind a spouse who says “I had thoughts of killing our kids”? I probably couldn’t have found the strength to help him if he said that to me. I probably would have been scared out of my mind! When this happened, we very quickly got much closer and found ways to work around my illness and make the best of the life we had built together.
We began enjoying the little things in life and began to let go of the crap. Together we both healed from years of resentment. Today, when I look at him, I honestly don’t think I could love him any more. Then he does something like, ohhh maybe smile at me, and I love him a little bit more. I love and adore everything about that man. Three years ago I would have told you there is very little about a marriage that is good. Now I can safely say that every part of our marriage is good. Even the bad has it’s good.
So I was lying in bed this morning chatting with him wondering how in the world it got to be so good. How in the world did a hate turn into such a pure and passionate undying love? What makes it so good?
I can’t answer that question and it is somewhat mind-boggling when I try to understand it. I wish I knew what made it so good but I don’t. One thing I do know is this – all those years of living in a loveless hell was worth it. Now I have a bond and a love with a wonderful man that I never could have imagined I would have. I am truly blessed.
Photo by Neeta Lind, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (August 9, 2011)
What Makes A Good Marriage Good? | Save My Relationship (August 9, 2011)
Last reviewed: 9 Aug 2011