Archive for July, 2011

It’s Time To Fire My Psychiatrist!

Saturday, July 30th, 2011

chart showing ups and downsI have been having a very hard time the past week or so and I have written about some of it.  After a few days of hardly sleeping and everything compounding on top of me I sorta lost it yesterday.  I couldn’t stop crying and I felt suffocated by stress.  I was falling apart.

I called my psychiatrist and she brought me in.  I started telling her about what was going on and she got pretty nasty with me.  Just another doctor bullying me.  I’ve been seeing her for over a year now and I am limited to the medicines I can take for a couple of reasons.  I have a blood clotting disorder and high blood sugar.  There are several medications I cannot take due to those two issues alone.  I am not going to take a medication that could further hurt my overall physical health and put me at risk for complications.  Many of the other medications I have tried I have had either violent mood swings or an allergic reaction to.  I am seriously running out of options here.

She said to me “every time you are here you are in crisis.  This is getting old.”  First of all that is not true, I actually had almost 3 pretty good months with very mild swings, until now.  Then she says “You have to get over all this and start learning how to handle stress, I can’t help you if you aren’t willing to take meds I advise you to take.”

*gasp*  I’m even more lost now.  It’s not about choice, it’s about not being able to find something that works.


Hanging Out On The Manic Fence

Thursday, July 28th, 2011

dilapitated fenceSometimes I wonder why I end up teetering between a manic episode and a depressive episode.  It really makes no sense.  Maybe it is my meds keeping me on the brink of insanity, but close enough to the sane line that it drives me nuts.

I can feel it coming, I can see it from a mile away.  Well, the mania anyway.  The depression is not so obvious.  It takes about a week before it hits me that I need to raise my antidepressants a little bit, and then I can usually snap out of it.  I wish my husband could be a little more brutally honest when he notices it – but he is so afraid of hurting my feelings he just keeps his mouth shut.  I admire him for trying to protect me but I really wish he could be a little more upfront when he notices the softer mood changes.


One Week Left – Then The Kids Go Back To School!

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

school girl doing biologyI am excited, next Monday my 6 year old goes back to school.  My daughter is starting pre-k sometime during the week as well.  I love having my kids home but the stress of them fighting constantly is driving me bonkers.

Why do siblings insist on teasing one another every waking moment of every day? It’s so frustrating!

My oldest has freshman orientation Thursday and that makes me a little anxious.  My baby is starting high school!  I have mixed feelings about it.  He’s just so grown up, and it happened so fast.  It’s a little hard sucking up the fact that I only have four years left before he graduates.  I wish I could rewind a couple of years.  Time just keeps passing me by.


Grief Has Taken Over My Heart – Accepting Death

Monday, July 18th, 2011

revolver on a tableWhen I was nine I experienced my first major loss.  My cousin, 23 and 2 days away from marrying his high school sweetheart, was shot and killed.  He was a bank manager, and startled a man robbing the bank while he was working.  I was devastated, he was a very big part of my life.  To this day, I have never gotten over the moment my father told me there would be no wedding, that he had gone to heaven.

My life, and my relationships, would never be the same.

By the age of 17, I buried 5 loved ones I was close to.  First my cousin, and then at 15 lost 3 friends in a car accident.  At 16 my cousin, life long best friend, and sister in heart was diagnosed with a very rare cancer.  She didn’t even make it a year before the cancer took her from us.


Creative Discipline Works

Sunday, July 17th, 2011

bipolar momAfter my previous rant I would like to take some time to allow people a peek into my “real” every day life.

I admit, I probably made myself sound a lot more horrific than I really am.  While I am very quick to admit I am not afraid to spank my children and use various methods of discipline, 6 years ago I made a firm choice to be a better parent.  I decided not to parent as my father did and find more creative ways to get the point across beyond screaming and spanking.  I brought my behavior to a screeching halt.

I communicate with my kids on a regular basis.  If my children are doing something they know they will get in trouble for we take various steps to stop the behavior.  Initially they are grounded from outside, if that doesn’t work they lose their indoor privileges.  If that doesn’t work they usually have to spend some time in their room alone to think about their behavior.  After they have had time to think of how they need to change their behavior we will then discuss what they were doing wrong, and their “plan” to behave better.  This is the average every day approach my husband and I take with my children.


If I Could Tell Every “Perfect Parent” To Bite Me – I Would!

Friday, July 15th, 2011

woman at stoveOkay so clearly my last post sparked quite a debate.  I should have known better.  So I would like to rant, because I can.  That is why I write this blog.  So here goes my raw and unedited attempt at redemption.  Not that it is needed, but my image of an “abusive mother” which has been accidentally portrayed needs to be corrected.  Whoops!  Go figure, I babbled a little too much

Anyway, let me begin by explaining – again – why I am here.  I am here to talk about my life.  As the title of my blog says “Adventures of a bipolar mom” that’s exactly what I write about.  I write about my life.  The challenges of raising four children, being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, whatever I may be to whoever.  This is my life.  I’ve never claimed that anything I do could be either right or wrong, but it’s the raw truth.  I am frustrated by the “perfect parents” out there who have the perfect problem free existence and never manage to lose their temper with their significant other or their children.  Oh, by the way, I call bs on those women.  They just hide their problems a little too well.


I Remember Being 13, It Sucked!

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

bipolar momI remember being 13.  It sucked.  My parents didn’t want to (or rather couldn’t) take care of me, and I bounced around from one house to another hoping to find somewhere to belong.  It never happened.

My niece is spending some time with me this week, she is reminding me of myself daily.  She lives with my parents, and both of her parents are unable to take care of her.  Well, maybe it’s partial inability and partial lack of motivation.  Regardless of the reasons, I am watching this beautiful 13 year old girl full of love and life who seems to be equally as lost as I was at the same age.  My heart aches.  I am feeling very sad.

I love this kid, she means more to me than she will ever realize.  I’ve been a large part of her life for years helping to raise her and give her a good childhood.  While my efforts have been stomped on and dampened over the years I’ve never stopped loving her.  I hope she doesn’t end up like me.


 

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