My husband left with the children this morning to go to Ohio to visit his family.  I was very sad to kiss them goodbye, letting him take them 8 hours away, but they were excited.  I am happy they get to see their family, most of them haven’t even seen the baby since he was first born.

I felt anxious and had a hard time waiting for them to arrive safe and sound but once they did I was able to settle.  I have come to Maryland to see my friends and family for a “mental health vacation” as I like to call it.  It’s time for me to reflect on me, see family and friends, enjoy being a woman instead of just a wife and mom.  It’s already off to a good start, I had a pleasant dinner with my dad and my brother tonight.  It was really nice being able to visit with them uninterrupted.  I miss time with my dad.

Energy has evaded me in a big way the last couple of days.  The baby finally decided to start sleeping through the night a couple weeks ago and I figured once he did I could find my energy.  I was wrong.

My 6 year old said to me yesterday when I laid down for my noontime nap, “mommy, why do you always have to lay down?”  It made me extremely sad but at the same time I just could not get up.  He laid with me for a bit and snuggled.  I wasn’t really sleepy, I was just physically exhausted.

Every day between 11 and 12 I have to lay down for a nap.  If I run errands it’s even worse and I am even more exhausted.  Being this tired all the time can’t be good for me.  I am going to talk to my doctor and see what is going on.  I am not sure if it is a mild depressive episode or something more.  I really don’t have any desire to do anything.  I spent the weekend at home with the family being lazy, taking naps, and doing no chores.

Well, I haven’t blogged much this week (sorry!) because it has been a crazy week!  Oh where do I begin?

Well, the baby had his hearing evaluation this week and we know that his hearing is excellent.  This knowledge is confirming the diagnoses of autism and not a hearing problem.  We are working with our social worker to get the ball rolling and get the little guy into some therapy to help him start meeting his milestones. I am excited!  He has started waving hi and bye, and he actually said “what’s that?” a couple of days ago.  I am feeling very optimistic for my little man.  Yay!

My daughter was accepted into a pre-k program at the public schools.  I am also very excited about that as well.  It will be very good for her to be able to get ready for kindergarten.  Plus there is always the added benefit of me having more time with the baby to work with him without having to also work with my daughter too.  It will relieve some of the emotional strain I feel by having to work so hard with two kids.  I am looking forward to it.

Growing up I was very fortunate to have a great dad.  At the time I must say he wasn’t all that great because what kid likes to be disciplined?  I sure didn’t!  He was however, a remarkable dad.

I was daddy’s little girl all the way.  I adored him, and he spoiled me rotten.  I was youngest of four and the only girl; I was picked on constantly by my brothers.  My daddy always rescued me from the torment.  I was very lucky for that.

He always respected me, loved me, and was not afraid to show me in every way possible just how special a girl I was.  I can remember sitting on his lap playing with his mustache, him tickling me into hysterics, tucking me into bed, and goodnight kisses.  He would take me to work with him and buy me treats and candy, let me drink soda, and he would even let me steer the van through the neighborhood on his lap.  He was never afraid to pick me up and hold me if I was scared, kiss me if I got hurt, or stand up for me if I was being bullied.  My dad was never afraid to be a great dad.

Well we are back to fighting about money.  Go figure!  I know it is what most people fight about, and I know it’s a constant battle in most marriages – but it’s getting really old!

I really thought I had a problem with spending.  I thought I was nuts and just had ridiculous spending habits until recently.  I have realized I was actually really good with the household money.  I always made sure everyone had everything they needed.  I was on top of it all and our house ran very well.  We didn’t get into a pinch too often, and things were pretty good.

After listening to my husband go on and on about how I “blow” money on stuff we don’t need for so long I finally started to believe him.  I agreed to go on a very tight budget thinking it was my fault we weren’t saving a ton of money.  Basically, he broke me down into believing I was failing when in fact I was succeeding very well.

When I got pregnant with my youngest I was devastated.  I did not want another baby, especially at that moment in my life.  It was hard and I was hysterical.  It took me many months to accept him and begin to love him.  Of course when he was born I fell in love with him and all those mixed feelings were gone.  He is my baby.

My delivery was very hard.  He was a couple weeks early and he just wouldn’t come out.  I had no problems with my other children, they were all fairly easy.  This one, he was stubborn.

Finally the doctor decided it was best to continue with a vaginal delivery of him considering he was my fourth delivery, she felt it was safe to move ahead.  It was very hard but we managed to get him to finally move, and it was discovered his cord was around his neck twice.

Lately I have not really had much focus, and my goals seem foggy.  I am sort of distant from many things around me, and feel kind of aloof.  I’m not sure why and it’s pretty irritating, but overall I’m not doing badly.

My relationship with my husband has been excellent.  In fact it has been beyond excellent, and I have been enjoying my time with him tremendously.  We aren’t missing anything at all between the two of us and it has been truly fantastic!

I have been working diligently the last couple of weeks to get my littlest one, now 20 months, into a program to help him.  He has some developmental delays that need to be addressed.  They have discussed the possibility of him having characteristics falling into the autism spectrum and that has been very hard for me.  I work with him much harder now at home to try to get him caught up and it’s as though my efforts are fruitless.  He has no ability to communicate with us.  It’s heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting for me, but I refuse to give up.

I recently had someone I love speak her opinion very strongly to me.  It was almost like she was trying to influence a decision I had made – I had to remind myself that everyone has an opinion, and that’s part of what makes us human.  Sometimes, even though we don’t ask for them, people still share their opinions.  The thing is, an opinion is simply just an opinion.

A long time ago when I had my first son, I very quickly realized how many people have their own opinions and how they expect their opinion to change yours.  Part of being human is making mistakes, accepting them, learning from them, and trying your hardest not to do it again.  Parenting, for example, comes along with opinions from nearly every person you meet.  It can be as simple as which diaper cream to use or as complex as whether or not to spank your child.  Marriage also comes with many opinions from others – however, I think those should be kept to a minimum.