I have been very open about a lot in my life through my blogs. While it can be difficult to talk about some aspects of my struggles and my illness, I feel it is more important to share them with my struggling peers. I started blogging because I wanted others to know that there is no one person alone in any of their personal struggles with mental illness. Sometimes I will sit at my computer in tears, typing away.
It hurts, tremendously.
However, I never hang my head in shame. I try my very best to learn from every experience and try to become a better woman for it. Frequently, I do feel ashamed of my behavior. I am saddened by my outbursts, and my heart breaks when I look into the eyes of those I love after I have said something or done something that I probably shouldn’t have.
I don’t let it tear me down!
I say my apologies, I give kisses. I never promise it won’t happen again, because I know it will. I do promise though, that I will try harder next time. I do try harder the next time, but it’s not always my best effort and I still have problems with self control.
I am not perfect.
If I sit in a cloud of self pity and ponder how horrible of a person I am, I will never learn how to do it better. I have to sit back, go over the terrible event that has just happened, and figure out how to do it different next time.
I talk a lot about being proud of myself, about taking steps to be a better wife and mom, and about how easy it is to accept the diagnoses. Honestly, that is the easiest part of the diagnoses, accepting it.
I still struggle.
I have an incredibly powerful support system around me. I have a lot of love, admiration, and adoration coming from the people in my life who mean the most to me. That does not change my mood swings, and it does not change my ability to control myself from time to time. What it does do though, is helps me to understand better that love is much stronger than the illness I struggle with.
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Last reviewed: 15 May 2011