After finally receiving a diagnoses, I felt both confused and relieved. I wasn’t too sure what to make of “Bipolar” but I was willing to gather as much information as possible. After years of instability I felt maybe this was it. Maybe I had my answer and I could finally live a somewhat normal life. This would not be the case.
I told my husband and my family that I was diagnosed Bipolar, and everyone was very supportive. My husband and I did research to find out more about it. We felt the best way to beat it was to be armed with information.
I searched Google high and low for blogs or stories from other wives who were successfully raising families while surviving Bipolar. I felt very discouraged and very alone.
Over the last year I have tried so many medication, that I am exhausted by it. I haven’t been able to tolerate anything really, for a variety of different reasons. It has been very hard trying to cope on my own, but its getting better and easier. I take a couple medications when the symptoms get bad, and for now it works for me.
After finally accepting the fact that I could not be properly medicated, I decided to start writing about my struggles. I began my own blog. I was upset that there was no “easy to find” answers for me, and I was pretty sure other women felt the same way. I felt alone.
Through my blog I have found a strength and comfort I didn’t know existed. I have found a community of both men and women who offer support, encouragement, and admiration. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I enjoy being able to reach out to others to erase that feeling of isolation and shame. I am proud to set my own shame aside, to tell the world that I am not alone, and neither is anyone else battling to be a person, rather than a bipolar statistic.
Things aren’t easy around here, in fact, my husband and I just recently had a pretty heated fight. Well, I did most of the screaming but hey, I was right! My teenage son and I fight frequently, and my kids and I often battle our wills. I usually win, but I do everything I can to win fairly.
It is an every day struggle for me, but I keep going. I frequently have to catch myself from going nuts on those I love, I have to stop myself from being hasty and aggressive. I have to say no to myself in the store, and I have to remind myself that my kids are people too and they have feelings. I have to stop myself from being ridiculous frequently, and I get frustrated at how much energy and effort I have to give this thing.
However, I am determined to be better than Bipolar. I was quick to accept the diagnoses a year ago, and with the acceptance came the power to change.
I still have Bipolar, and I am still most definitely imperfect in so many ways. If my goals are ever within reach, whats left to reach for when I get there? My goal is perfection, since I’ll never be perfect, I will always put my best effort into reaching that goal.
So in the end, I got back up after a pretty severe fall. I brushed myself off, cleaned myself up, put myself together, and kept going. I am still climbing.
Photo by Thomas Widmann, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
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Last reviewed: 31 May 2011