I have written a lot about my oldest son, and how proud I am of him.  I am proud of all of my children, but he is a teenager now and he amazes me almost daily.  He brought home his report card a few weeks ago and had two F’s.  We did what parents do and grounded him, limited his phone and computer use, and increased his chores.  We’ve stayed on top of him to do his assignments and have been very supportive of him in bringing his grades up.

He still has an F and a D in two classes.  I’m so frustrated!

When I began asking him about these classes in an attempt to reach out to him, he lashed out at me and got extremely angry.  This behavior is becoming more and more frequent lately, and I am wondering if he is starting to show signs of bipolar, like me.

After spending a great deal of time riding this fun medication roller coaster I have been on, I had decided to wean off of the Effexor and begin taking Lithium.  My doctor and I had gone back and forth a lot about this, and we finally decided it was best.  Unfortunately, nothing ever goes as planned – well, for me anyway.

I managed to pull myself down to 37.5 mg of Effexor XR and ended up so weepy and sad all I did was cry and pout constantly.  This made life quite difficult, and then I realized I really have a genuine need for the Effexor, it is not just maintaining now, it is really helping me to keep away from the crippling major depressive episodes I struggle with so often.

We have put my dose at a fabulous 110mg per day which has been a great dose for me.  We are going with that for the moment, but now I cannot start the Lithium.

As a woman struggling with bipolar, it can be very hard when I need something to control my spending.  Sometimes, well okay, often, I feel I desperately need something when in fact I really don’t.  It might be something as small as a new candle, or a new hairbrush, or something like shoes or jeans.  I would go a little overboard on the kids’ clothes, always getting stuff on sale, or something that was cute that I liked.  I always justified my spending, until we were always broke.

I stepped up and explained to my husband that I had no control over spending money, and I needed to move to an allowance system.  We worked up a budget which consisted of the basics, food, gas, diapers, etc.  I was very proud of myself for stepping up and telling him that I needed his help to gain a bit of self control.  I was amazed at how much money we were saving a month after he took control of the bills and the money.

I was pretty heartbroken over the recent shopping event with my husband.  I was lost and not to sure where to put my emotions or how to handle what I felt.  It isn’t often I feel so much anguish and can’t do anything with it.  So I looked for support.

I was talking with my cousin who is much older than I, and has a great deal more life experience than I have had.  I turn to her a lot when I am really lost, she always has this amazing way of helping me move past the fog and see it how it is.  She’s that person if I am right she will support me, and if I am wrong she will tell me I am wrong and still support me.  I love her for that.

I love her for many reasons other than that as well.  She is just an amazing and admirable person.  I truly feel blessed to have her in my life.  She has saved me more times than I could even count.

I am very careful to make sure my husband and children always have everything they need, and most of what they want.  If the kids need clothes or shoes, they get it.  If my husband loses weight and needs new jeans, I take him for new jeans, and if he needs shoes he gets shoes.  When it comes to dentist and doctors appointments I am very diligent in making sure I stay on top of it.  If they are sick I take care of them and nurse them, if they are upset I comfort them, if they are anxious I calm them down.

What about me??

I am last to get clothes and shoes, underwear and socks.  I’m last to the dentist and last to the doctors, last to get medicines and last to get better.  I’m last to be heard and last to be held, I’m always, always last.

I was watching a show last night “My Teenager’s A Nightmare” and I must say I was shocked at these kids’ behavior!  I was taken back by the aggression and fighting going on in this house with the parents and these sisters that were 14 and 12. I was asking myself two questions, who is the parent, and why is everyone so bitter, angry, and abusive?  Then I began to remember being that age myself and felt a little sad for them.

I could see through all the screaming and carrying on, all those girls wanted was to be loved.  Not that their parents did not love them, but it was clear they felt a tad bit unloved.

Earlier in the evening I had actually just had a battle of wills (and mouth!) with my own 14 year old son.  I take pride in how I cope with his mood swings and tantrums.  I can be a screamer, but when my son is clearly distressed by something in his life (or something I have done) then I make a point to remain calm and try to talk him through whatever may be bothering him.  This frequently bites me in the rump but that’s okay, at least he has a voice in this house.  After all, when I was 14, if someone had listened to me a little more, I wouldn’t have been pregnant at 15!

At 14 years old he stands 5’8″ and weighs 135lbs.  He has dark hair, stunning green eyes, gorgeous dimples, and a smile that can steal anyone’s heart.  He’s so scrawny you can see his every muscle, and he eats every thing he can get his hands on.  He is my son.

I was only a year older than him, 15, when I got the news I was pregnant.  It was shocking to say the very least.  It was very traumatic for my family and I, but we all accepted the pregnancy with open hearts, regardless of the circumstances.  My family was very supportive of any decision I made.  I had to face the consequences of my actions and I knew that, so I did with the promise that age would not hinder my ability to raise a wonderful, beautiful, healthy child.

The past month or so things have not exactly been easy around here, and they only got worse yesterday when I had to take my 6 year old to the ER with what appeared to be seizures.  After a head CT everything checked out okay, thank goodness, but he still has to see a neurologist to figure out what this weird thing going on with his eyes is.

At that moment, I threw my hands up and said okay that’s it, I cannot give up. Ever!

Why on earth did I feel defeated?  Whatever, so I had a very intense moment of self-pity and very little self-control – oh well, so I lost it, big deal!  We all have our moments.  Now, I can reflect on everything that my life has been about and know that I can and will survive!

I feel battered, beaten, and broken.  I feel defeated.  I feel overwhelmed with self hate and despair.  I feel crippled emotionally, and numb mentally.  I feel lost somewhere between reality and a dream.  I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there for the next few months.  I want to pack my bags and run as far away as possible.  I wish I could escape all of this but there is no escape, I cannot run and hide, I cannot cry enough.  All I can do is sit here, and try to accept defeat.  I have been defeated.

Life isn’t easy for anyone.  Well, I can’t say that.  I’m sure for some, life is a breeze, but I will convince myself that is not normal.  Everyone finds themselves running through a range of emotions from time to time, and certain circumstances make us all feel like we are going crazy from time time.  My problem is, my emotional range is all over the charts, every day.