Well, I am feeling better now. I have had a couple of very unproductive days which in it’s own way was some sort of therapy. I spent the last few days doing a lot of nothing which has been very nice.
I have cleaned a little but not too much, and have managed to stay on top of my responsibilities fairly well. The irritability has gotten a lot better and my fuse has grown slightly longer. The dogs though, have been really irritating me. I love my dogs like my kids, but for some reason, I can’t stand them being on me! That’s a little weird.
Wednesday night my husband and I went to the bar for his pool league, our “once a week” outing. My son called during a pretty bad storm and told me he thought someone was trying to get into the house. It was so hard to hear that level of fear coming from my strong and brave 14 year old son.
That is when my “training” in dealing with my own panic attacks came in handy. He was saying he couldn’t breathe so I quickly guided him through breathing exercises so he could gain some control of himself. He started doing a little better as the police were on their way and my husband and I were leaving to come home.
Everything turned out to be fine at home, but during the drive I began to recall all the things that have happened to my children throughout their short lives. Each of them has had something happen to them at some point that has been terrifying for me. Kids do some crazy things, and my paranoia in parenting makes it pretty hard for me to feel confident that my kids are going to be okay.
I feel like I live in a huge cloud of worry. I’m so concerned for the safety of my children that I cannot even let them play in the yard alone, or go play with a friend only two houses away. I have to watch them all the time, know where they are at all times, and feel like I can protect them every moment of every day. It’s a hard way of living, but I do the best I can to cope. I’m frequently reminded that I take it overboard, protecting them more than I have to.
I cannot live any other way. I don’t know how to and I don’t want to. I am definitely a crazy paranoid mother! I will talk more next week about the events that have lead to me feeling the overwhelming need to protect my children every waking moment of every day.
Photo by myjedilightsaber, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
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Last reviewed: 14 Mar 2011