I really enjoy dreaming.  In my dreams at night I get to see those I love who have passed away, spend time with them and hold conversations with them I’ve missed.  I get to do things I can’t normally do like fly, or breathe under water.  I can have time with my husband seeing exotic new places around the world, and I am usually very happy upon waking.  I love dreaming.

Since I have been tapering off the Effexor though, I would give anything to skip dreaming.  I’ve been having night terrors more frequently and sleeping is becoming more difficult because I know what will happen.  The night before last I actually ended up in a lucid dream in between awake and asleep.  I have never in my life experienced this before, and it appears to be the new nightly thing for me.

Well, I was stuck in a crap storm, and as I guessed it still isn’t over.  Although I am armed with my umbrella and boots, it’s getting pretty messy here.  I am not sure if I am just a magnet for drama (which, by the way, I absolutely despise!), if it has to do with having four kids, or what, but it’s getting real old real fast.

I need a nanny, au pair, mother’s helper, I need something!!

The baby hasn’t been sleeping all too well the past couple nights which has left my husband and I both quite cranky, which in turn creates a nice tornado tearing through the house.  I mean, it’s so bad I was irritated and started yelling at my 14 year old for the way he was unloading the dishwasher.  Even though watching someone put dishes away literally one dish at a time is extremely annoying, it wasn’t really good ground for yelling at him.  He’s slow in every single little thing he does.  I think that is what is so annoying, but really, freaking out over dishes??

Sometimes I feel as though I can beat this,  I can beat bipolar.  Other times, I feel like I have no will or strength left to try to defeat something which is bigger and stronger than my will.

I feel defeated right now, and I’m not too sure why.  I am discontinuing my antidepressant, preparing to start lithium.  I’m feeling very anxious about that and nervous, but I believe it is best for me.  I have tried so many other medications which have caused so many awful side effects that I am left with this as a final attempt to find a good stable ground.

Well, I must say it’s been quite an eventful few days.  The end of last week was wonderful, I was blessed with being there while my brother and sister in law welcomed their third son into the world.  It truly was a beautiful and unforgettable experience.  After that, however, things just took a major turn straight towards chaos.

My entire family got sick, we were all sick throughout the weekend.  That was just a mess.  My husband and oldest son escaped the worst with simply a sore throat and a little sneezing.  The rest of us, however, spent a very miserable weekend coughing, sneezing, and catching runny noses.  It was pretty terrible.

A couple nights ago, we were all curled on the couches watching a movie.  I asked my husband what the name of the movie we were watching was and he said it.  Maybe 5 minutes later, I was trying so hard to pluck the name of the movie from my memory but it was nowhere to be found.  I asked him again, and he looked at me funny and repeated the name of the movie.

Two minutes later, again, I had to ask him what the name of the movie was, and he gave me a look as though I’d lost my mind.  I truly could not remember the name of the movie. I was terrified inside, being unable to remember two words, while my husband and 14-year-old son were laughing at me.  It was humiliating.

When my baby boy survived such a traumatic delivery, I felt blessed to have him.  He was an amazing and curious little guy.  He loved everyone, he’s always been the most affectionate of all my children.

At just 18 months old, he had gotten into some dangerous medication that my brother (who was staying with us) was taking.  He was fine after a short stay in the PICU at our local hospital, but only three days after taking him home, I picked him up in the hallway and noticed a familiar orange powder on his lips.

I immediately realized somehow he had gotten into the medication…again.  Terrified, I threw him in the car and drove to the hospital.  I didn’t know how long it had been and was scared to wait for an ambulance, the hospital was only 15 minutes away.  When we got there, he was unconscious, only this time, he was barely breathing.

Being away from my children for any length of time is becoming extremely difficult.  I am always scared something will happen to them if I am not with them.  I think I may know why.

I remember the first time I almost lost my son, now six.  He wasn’t even born yet, I hadn’t even held him in my arms or heard him cry.  During his delivery, the heart rate monitor was rapidly dropping, and I was trying to push in a panic.

The nurse climbed up on my lap, stared me dead in the eye and said “you’re little boy is going to die if you don’t push him out right now.”  She grabbed the top of my pregnant belly and pushed down as she was staring at me telling me to push along with her.  At that moment the fear gripped my soul and I felt as though my heart was slowly stopping along with his.

Well, I am feeling better now.  I have had a couple of very unproductive days which in it’s own way was some sort of therapy.  I spent the last few days doing a lot of nothing which has been very nice.

I have cleaned a little but not too much, and have managed to stay on top of my responsibilities fairly well.  The irritability has gotten a lot better and my fuse has grown slightly longer.  The dogs though, have been really irritating me.  I love my dogs like my kids, but for some reason, I can’t stand them being on me!  That’s a little weird.

Wednesday night my husband and I went to the bar for his pool league, our “once a week” outing.  My son called during a pretty bad storm and told me he thought someone was trying to get into the house.  It was so hard to hear that level of fear coming from my strong and brave 14 year old son.

So what happens when I feel myself spiraling out of control? I hang on for dear life, and hope that it doesn’t keep getting worse.  So when I am done spiraling, and I realize I couldn’t hang on tight enough?  I look around and wonder why no one gets it.

At least that’s my thought process.

All the other stuff?  Well, I try so hard to just hide it.  I try my hardest to keep moving and hope that it will be a short lived bottom.  I am afraid I am heading back into the same depression I was in last year when I truly lost it and had psychosis with the depression.  I am scared.

I remember when I was about 7, my brothers would take my favorite baby doll and play “keep away” for what felt like hours.  I would get so angry I would scream at the top of my lungs, and eventually dig my nails into whatever bare skin was available and try to draw blood.

They would get so angry with me, and my father used to always have the same response, “if you would leave her alone, she wouldn’t draw blood.”  That’s my motto with my boys and they get so mad at me! I’m the youngest of four and the only girl.  I guess I probably don’t need to say much about the teasing I experienced growing up.