For 2 solid weeks I have been struggling to fight a crippling depressive episode. I still am not quite back from it but I am attempting to believe that if I put my mind to it maybe I can actually overcome it. Well sadly I have determined forcing myself back to reality isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. I have taken the past three days and I have slowly been working on the chores that have been sorely neglected due to the lack of energy and overwhelming sadness that creeps in and slaps me in the face.
It’s a real shame honestly that I feel proud of myself for giving the kids a bath. Unfortunately, these days that seems to be my biggest accomplishment. I haven’t been cooking yummy homemade dinners very much and I haven’t exactly been on top of things as I usually am. Even with depression I can still usually do the basics. This episode can be ranked up there as one of my worst.
My husband and I often go back and forth over the issues, but he tries to be supportive. He doesn’t really get too cranky when he knows I am struggling and he will praise me for the small things I do manage to get done, because he knows his approval is so important in keeping me going. I must admit it does help to keep me from feeling worthless when he lets me know that it’s okay if the floor isn’t mopped and there are dishes in the sink. He tries very hard to overlook the messy house those days and I admire that about him because he really does get frustrated when things aren’t tidy. He even comes home and helps me get things cleaned up. He’s been excellent.
Today I buckled down and decided to go ahead and do some laundry and mop. Some people just really don’t understand the mental preparation (and the many cups of coffee!) required to tackle such a simple task. It’s not very hard to do and it doesn’t take a whole lot of time, but it sure does feel extremely overwhelming just thinking about getting up and getting it done.
I really wish I could understand the why’s and how’s completely but I don’t think I ever will. The frustration of kids running around, screaming and fighting constantly while I am focusing all of my energy on getting things done tends to send me into a tailspin. Then at the end of the day my patience is so limited that I can’t even have a civil conversation with my husband. I couldn’t even tell you why we fight or what it’s about, all I can say is it sucks, and I wish it could be different.
It is so hard sometimes getting the simplest chores done because in a single moment it can suddenly turn into a mountain of chaos, and quickly turn into the most overwhelming tasks that could possibly exist. Then, I get to deal with the tailspin of emotions that haunt me for hours.
Photo by The Italian Voice, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
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Last reviewed: 10 Feb 2011