Archives for February, 2013
Guilt—A feeling every individual with bipolar has experienced. While the reasons may vary, it seems that we’re all feeling bad about ourselves. For instance, this past weekend, my mood started dipping during a social event at a friend’s house. I just couldn’t smile anymore. I was irritated and antisocial and tired.
Unless you’re well-to-do, your early to mid-20’s most likely consists of scheming to live on the cheap. You’re pinching pennies everywhere, from grocery bills to mark downs at the department store. But saving money when you’re bipolar can be especially hard.
“Self-sabotage” was a household term in my family. My mother picked it up somewhere, maybe in a NAMI class or in therapy or a self-help book. She started to use it on me when I was in high school, when I made bad decisions or when my moods became uncontrollable. She would start to predict the results of my erratic behavior, knowing when something bad was going to happen. She’d sit on her bed and talk to me with concern. “You’re sabotaging yourself. You need to find another way".
It’s Valentine’s Day Eve (do we call it that?) and it’s apparent that love is in the air. The drug store has been filled with candy hearts since last month, and we’ve had our Valentine’s Day dinner reservation for about 10 days. Now I'm pondering. Reflecting.
I don’t remember the last time I had any energy. If I could rate how I feel physically on a scale of 1-10 most days out of the week, I’d be at a three or four. Except for slightly high blood sugar likely due to medication, my blood work has never shown any reason to be concerned about my health. Today, though, as I worked through my fifth hour at the office, I noticed that my symptoms of fatigue are starting to become more than I can manage. There, at my desk, I started to shut down. My energy was zapped, my muscles were tight, and I found it hard to focus.
How would you explain bipolar to someone in 20 seconds? I often avoid the topic because I don’t know how I would explain it to people. I often feel rushed when I’m in conversation, and I don’t want to take up too much of someone's time. So what happens when, in conversation, you want or have to bring up that you live with bipolar disorder?
The first time I encountered tapping, I was at my therapist’s office in the spring of 2011. I’m usually one of those pessimists that think that alternative techniques to mental health will never work. And I didn’t believe in tapping for a while. However, I’m here to tell you today that although I have only been tapping regularly for the last few months, I can see a big difference in the way I feel after I do it.
I wake up in the morning to my alarm. I set it each night with 10-20 minutes or so to spare, just in case I can’t get out of bed. I’m foolish, because I end up snoozing. At least thirty minutes past time. I miss my shower. My workout. Why am I sabotaging myself?
If you're bipolar, chances are, you're creative. I’ve always had a knack for the arts. I started writing stories as soon as I knew how to put words together. I love music and painting, and I majored in Creative Writing in college. I sing and play bass. Your story is probably not so different from mine.