I noticed it when I was first diagnosed, but have been watching the phenomenon ever since. I have seen it happen in so many people that it might be true in three quarters of the cases. What is even more amazing is how fast it happens. Bipolar may be the fastest path to perfection known to man!

I have been working on more thorough assessment programs for my new book and think that I have found a breakthrough. Through the assessments I have it traced to the exact moment that it happens. I wonder if you can help me verify my research with your own experiences and share your ideas on how to improve upon it?

One of my earliest memories is of learning to ride a bike. I remember the fear, exhilaration, and hyper-awareness, along with the tension in my body and how my breath became both more rapid and shorter. I was outside of my comfort zone and challenging myself to grow. It was also a blast!

My father had a wisdom common with most dads. He didn’t push me down a steep hill and hope I survived; he ran along next to me making sure I was not too far outside of my comfort zone as to be incapable of handling it. He taught me one of the most important lessons that day about what it is to be human. We need to challenge ourselves to grow, while at the same time making sure we don’t go too far outside of our comfort zone.

The thrill of learning something new and challenging myself to grow has been a constant companion ever since my first bike ride. On too many occasions, I took on challenges far outside of my comfort zone and was either debilitated by the fear and lack of skills, or took risks that caused more harm than the potential reward from succeeding.

Every single day I think about the time I tried to kill myself. It is one of my strongest and most detailed memories. I mention it in passing in my talks as if it is just a point of reference, but it has a profound impact on my every thought. I have not heard the bipolar or depression world debating pro-choice vs. pro-life suicide, but it is an internal debate that I often have myself. I wonder if others have had similar thoughts?

My debate is further colored by the suicide of my best friend Santiago. I think about his hanging himself every day, and the effect it had on everyone around him. It is another memory that is so strong it could have just happened. It too has a profound effect on my every thought.

The other day I was showing a visitor around San Francisco and he brought up suicide when we drove by the Golden Gate Bridge. He asked how many people have jumped off (over 1,200 so far) and whether they have put up a barrier yet. I found myself sharing my internal debate and chose to take the pro-choice side.

The conventional understanding of forgiveness is of some absolution or pardon: “I know you did wrong, but I’ll overlook it this time.” But the original meaning of forgiveness is very different. The ancient Greek word for forgiveness is aphesis, meaning “to let go.” When we forgive others, we let go of the judgments we may have projected onto them. We release them from all our interpretations and evaluations, all our thoughts of right or wrong, friend or foe.

Instead, we see that they are human beings caught up in their own illusions about themselves and the world around them. Like us, they feel the need for security, control, recognition, approval, or stimulus. They, too, probably feel threatened by people and things that prevent them from finding fulfillment. And, like us, they sometimes make mistakes. Yet, behind all these errors, there is another conscious being simply looking for peace of mind.

I’m going to start this blog by making my operating assumption transparent. My assumption is that those who visit this site and read The Bipolar Advantage blog entries are looking to improve the quality of their lives, whether they have bipolar or another condition or whether they love someone who does. There is much wisdom in what has been written on this blog by a team of talented and caring individuals. There is also much wisdom expressed by those who have commented. The result is the development of collective wisdom about what it means to live with bipolar or another condition that comes from the reflections of the writers and readers together—and all who participate here are both readers and writers.

Evolutionary biologists question whether there is any such thing as true altruism. The problem is that most, if not all, natural selection operates on the level of individual fitness. It is therefore difficult to see how genes for genuine self-sacrifice could survive the dispassionate fact that if you give up your resources (or life) for a stranger, you help someone else reproduce at the expense of your own chances to leave offspring. Any gene that promotes truly self-sacrificing behavior will tend to be eliminated due to diminished reproduction, unless it promotes self-sacrifice in the other guy. This seemingly bleak conclusion accounts for some of the uneasiness that the theory of natural selection provokes in religious circles. They fear degradation of moral principles if altruism is demonstrated to be an illusion. That fear seems misplaced, in my opinion, but the source and value of selfless behavior warrants consideration.

Long ago, a girlfriend’s grandmother opened my eyes to a rather cold-hearted view of generosity. A Belgian aristocrat, she had ideas quite foreign to my liberal Californian values. She believed that even when people behave charitably, they primarily do it to make themselves feel better. These do-gooders only look selfless; in reality, they are self-righteous and self-congratulatory. She argued that empathy is merely disguised pity, and that generosity is nothing but a tool for ego-inflation.

Even though the concept of altruism faces these challenges, we cannot deny that it is one of the cornerstones of humane behavior. Must we discard the widespread belief that good people act selflessly, and conclude that in reproductive and/or emotional terms, those who appear to sacrifice themselves actually accrue net benefits?

I have finally settled on a motto that says it all for me – I Want To Be A Better Person. For me, that simple phrase addresses many of my issues; my arrogance, my bad behavior, my admission of having done wrong, my acceptance of who I really am, and most of all, my need for hope. I Want To Be A Better Person reflects my belief that in spite of my bipolar condition, I can overcome my bad tendencies and become someone to admire, instead of someone to fear or feel sorry for.

My journey to wanting to be a better person was long and convoluted, painful, yet even funny at times. My hope is that by sharing it with you, I will have an even greater desire to live up to my dreams and give someone else hope as well. There are countless details left out and many details may be wrong, but I hope to paint a picture of how I got to this point.

Long before my diagnosis of Bipolar, I exhibited behaviors that were considered horrible, to put it mildly. Thinking I was smarter and better than anyone, I would justify my behavior as the fault of whoever was my victim. It was always “your” fault that I was acting so horribly, and if it weren’t for you, I would be a saint. My extreme rages were outdone by my delusions, my denial that I was responsible for my behavior, or even believing that my behavior was perfectly justified.

After getting sick of my own behavior, I bought an estate that was next to the monastery that I once lived in. I volunteered to manage the computer systems department and was put under the direction of Lee, a senior monk who I have known for over 20 years. One day, I had a falling out with a friend of mine that I had hired to do some work for the monastery. We ended up in a heated email exchange that was rapidly escalating to the point that it was harming the monastery. Because I was representing the monastery, Lee insisted that all emails that I sent be approved by him. It has been almost five years now, but that experience is one that I have finally grasped.

Humility too often sounds like a dirty word in our culture. It goes against the dominant values of competition, self-promotion, and egotism. Prominent figures seldom exhibit anything like it. Sometimes we see weak attempts at false modesty, but only rare and special leaders are truly humble. The Dalai Lama comes to mind, but not many others.

This is unfortunate. Humility not only fosters cooperation within society, it promotes mental health. Alcoholics Anonymous has figured this out, and of course most spiritual systems advocate against excessive pride. But as a general principle of psychiatric wellness, we seldom hear of it.

The problem is that people misunderstand the word. We hear talk about the importance of self-esteem, and we suspect humility implies lack of belief in oneself. But the truth is we can’t be genuinely humble without first being confident of our worth. We all understand that the people who talk themselves up the most are often the ones who feel the most insecure. The converse, also true, is less well known. Those who feel more love and respect for themselves have less concern about proving themselves to society.

This is the Preface from the book Bipolar In Order:

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.” – George Carlin

When Christopher Columbus set sail for the new world, the common belief was that the world was flat and he would fall off. Once he saw the world from the other side and spoke of its many wonders, the world became a far more beautiful place.

Yet many people still clung to the old belief and could not accept the new evidence. It took many years for the world to adjust to the truth. To this day there are still some who believe the world is flat, but most of us consider them ignorant and unable to accept reality.

When I set out to explore the inner world, the common belief was that I would fall off the edge too. But just as Columbus discovered a world filled with beauty, I have seen depression, mania, hallucination, and delusion from the other side and found incredible vistas. With training, you too can visit those worlds without falling off, and discover a life far more beautiful than you can imagine.

What is unfortunate today is that far too many people continue to cling to the old belief that it is impossible to live a full life with a mental condition. On the other hand, a growing group of people are beginning to consider a life that is not restricted to a narrow range of experience. I look forward to the day when we all rise above the ignorance that keeps us in fear and denial of a better life.

Bipolar In Order is based on a very simple premise: we can learn and grow to the point that we see our condition as an advantage in our lives. Because this concept is often difficult for many people to accept on blind faith alone, I encourage everyone to simply begin by accepting that this new perspective is possible. To make this perspective a reality requires persistence, determination, and commitment. If you will give this perspective a chance, you will prove it in your own life.

There are so many examples of bipolar “disorder” that it is easy to understand why so many people try to avoid it instead of facing it and getting it under control. We can choose to view depression, mania, hallucination, and delusion from at least two different perspectives–either as “disorder” or as “in order.” Knowing that we have a choice of perspectives leads us to the understanding that we do not have to accept a diminished life. We begin to see what bipolar can be if we get it “in order” instead of trying to make it go away.