This post is being written as I fill in at the local Suicide Hot Line. As I planned this essay, knowing where I’d be writing it, the topic of suicide naturally suggested itself to me. But after giving it more thought, I decided to write about something a little less depressing.

A book I’m currently reading, Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson, explains that dwelling on negative memories and feelings strengthens them. If we habitually focus on unhappy topics, and especially if we simultaneously harbor unpleasant emotions, then we increase the neural circuits that promote misery. The converse is also true: dwelling on happy topics and pleasant feelings leads to brain changes that foster contentment.

My goal these days is to improve my mental balance, and spend less time obsessed with depressing topics. Since my childhood was loaded with trauma and my adulthood has brought huge disappointments, negativity is already well entrenched in my brain. It will take the rest of my life to build in enough positive memory and feeling to counterbalance that burden of loss. Reliving my suicidal feelings and remembering the suicides of loved ones seem like counterproductive exercises. They can wait for some future day; no doubt depression will eventually descend despite my best efforts, and such subjects will be on my mind already.

Every single day I think about the time I tried to kill myself. It is one of my strongest and most detailed memories. I mention it in passing in my talks as if it is just a point of reference, but it has a profound impact on my every thought. I have not heard the bipolar or depression world debating pro-choice vs. pro-life suicide, but it is an internal debate that I often have myself. I wonder if others have had similar thoughts?

My debate is further colored by the suicide of my best friend Santiago. I think about his hanging himself every day, and the effect it had on everyone around him. It is another memory that is so strong it could have just happened. It too has a profound effect on my every thought.

The other day I was showing a visitor around San Francisco and he brought up suicide when we drove by the Golden Gate Bridge. He asked how many people have jumped off (over 1,200 so far) and whether they have put up a barrier yet. I found myself sharing my internal debate and chose to take the pro-choice side.

The following piece was written for Hopeworks Community, where Larry Drain–a prolific writer and activist in the mental health field–invited guest posts for his blog. It captures the essence of my journey and my feelings about recovery, so I’d like to share it here also.

This is my story of recovery from severe depression, and my message is one of hope. On the one hand, I doubt many people have experienced longer lasting or more severe depression than me (though a multitude have it just as bad). On the other, I have found my way to a place of contentment and steadiness that I never dreamt possible.

Although depression has dogged me for most of my adult life, my mood reached new lows after I lost my surgical career to severe arthritis in my neck. My spirits were especially crushed because the loss of occupation brought up lingering self-doubts left over from a highly traumatic childhood.

In recovering, I tried every type of therapy and group program that promised to assist me with my problems. These methods helped me improve my thought patterns, accept the present moment, and find spiritual peace. To my delight and surprise, I am often happy. Although I still get depressed from time to time, my spiritual centering and acceptance work have taught me that grief and sadness are as important and rich as happiness; I would not want to miss the textured sense of connection with tragedy. Whether happy or sad, I am at peace with my mind and my history.

YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PAY CASH AND DON’T GO INTO DEBT

My dad’s mantra has always been: “credit cards are the ruination of this country.” After I moved out to California in the early 80s, I racked up $30,000 worth of personal revolving credit card debt with nothing to show for it. This led me to asking my parents to help me with cash flow because I was behind on some bills. My parents were upset I was in debt. After all, they role-modeled a cash economy in our home. I wasn’t the type of person who learned from listening to others. I learn best by experiencing my own consequences. That Christmas, my dad sent me a beautifully wrapped present, fancy gold plated scissors … with a note that said, “Merry Christmas! This is for cutting up your credit cards! I love you. Dad”

From there forward, I learned how to live on the money I earned and started a “savings” habit to buy what I wanted! Using credit cards gave me the illusion I had more to spend than I actually had. Living on a cash basis forced me to make better decisions that involved setting priorities and holding better financial boundaries.

This video is a segment of a one-hour DVD based on the book Bipolar In Order: Looking At Depression, Mania, Hallucination, And Delusion From The Other Side.

What is unfortunate today is that far too many people continue to cling to the old belief that it is impossible to live a full life with a mental condition. On the other hand, a growing group of people are beginning to consider a life that is not restricted to a narrow range of experience. I look forward to the day when we all rise above the ignorance that keeps us in fear and denial of a better life.

Bipolar In Order is based on a very simple premise: we can learn and grow to the point that we see our condition as an advantage in our lives. Because this concept is often difficult for many people to accept on blind faith alone, I encourage everyone to simply begin by accepting that this new perspective is possible. To make this perspective a reality requires persistence, determination, and commitment. If you will give this perspective a chance, you will prove it in your own life.

Love your self. It’s a common refrain.

One way to interpret this is loving who you are—accepting yourself just as you are, warts and all; having compassion for your shortfalls, while rejoicing in your gifts. Loving ourselves in this way relieves us of much self-judgment and self-criticism.

We can also love ourselves at a deeper emotional level. We can take that feeling of love, which dwells in our hearts, the feeling that we often connect with loving someone else, and allow it to flow towards ourselves. In this case we are not loving our manifest selves, with all their various qualities, we are simply experiencing love for our self. Culturing such feelings of self-love brings deep ease and relief.

Cheating
It’s not realistic to think that once you become health conscious, you’re never going to cheat. Even I fall off the wagon once in a while. I’m a former fat kid, so when I cheat, it’s gets ugly.

When it comes to staying on your diet, everybody has good and bad days. The key is to know your limits, and to factor at least some backsliding into your program, especially during the holidays. The worst thing you can do is to start having self-sabotaging thoughts when you cheat. Just because you had a banana split, don’t think, Man, I blew it. I ruined my program. There’s no point in continuing. If you think that way, you’ll never change your story and become the new you. Refocus. Instead, think, That pie was good, but now I’m going to have to be really dedicated to reach my goals. I’ll eat properly today and the next day. Then, commit to it meal by meal. Get back on it. Reconfirm your personal goal.

About four years ago, the mental health providers who were helping me suggested I take up meditation. Since then, I’ve found settling into the mind that lies beneath surface turmoil to be very helpful to my emotional balance. No doubt many readers will find what I write to be naive, which is unavoidable given that my practice began so recently. Still, meditation helps my state of mind so much that I can’t resist commenting on a recent realization.

When I first began to meditate, my instructors cautioned me to toss out the idea of emptying the mind of thought. They taught me to observe thoughts, sensations, and emotions without trying to influence them. Of course, those first classes were all presented from a medical perspective; they followed the Jon Kabat-Zinn formulation. Other schools place more emphasis on achieving a mind less dominated by verbal thought streams. But that early teaching held, and for a long time I assumed that achieving silence in the mind would be difficult if not impossible.

The conventional understanding of forgiveness is of some absolution or pardon: “I know you did wrong, but I’ll overlook it this time.” But the original meaning of forgiveness is very different. The ancient Greek word for forgiveness is aphesis, meaning “to let go.” When we forgive others, we let go of the judgments we may have projected onto them. We release them from all our interpretations and evaluations, all our thoughts of right or wrong, friend or foe.

Instead, we see that they are human beings caught up in their own illusions about themselves and the world around them. Like us, they feel the need for security, control, recognition, approval, or stimulus. They, too, probably feel threatened by people and things that prevent them from finding fulfillment. And, like us, they sometimes make mistakes. Yet, behind all these errors, there is another conscious being simply looking for peace of mind.

I’m going to start this blog by making my operating assumption transparent. My assumption is that those who visit this site and read The Bipolar Advantage blog entries are looking to improve the quality of their lives, whether they have bipolar or another condition or whether they love someone who does. There is much wisdom in what has been written on this blog by a team of talented and caring individuals. There is also much wisdom expressed by those who have commented. The result is the development of collective wisdom about what it means to live with bipolar or another condition that comes from the reflections of the writers and readers together—and all who participate here are both readers and writers.