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Maybe It Is Just Getting Older

My grandma is going through some repeating heart palpitations and shortness of breath. She has had a couple different x-rays and ultrasounds done and so far so good. She will have a procedure done this month where they put her under and shock her heart in hopes of getting it back to the right rhythm. Scary. Or maybe it is simply being 81. Maybe it is just getting older.

I have arthritis. I...
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No Kids Allowed

Hi. My name is Elaina J and I will never have children.

It is not that I am physically incapable, but I am not emotionally capable.

My parents are dying for grandchildren to spoil. My older brother has been married for a while. My younger sister is in her early thirties. There are expected to bring life into this world.

I am not.

When my mom started talking about wanting grandchildren I apologized that...
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I Have To Try

I got a new part-time job about a month and a half ago as a very busy barista. That was one of my goals when I moved here to Nashville, Tennessee. I wanted to learn latte art. I wanted to meet people. I wanted a job I could DO. But it hasn't been that easy. The store I work at is extremely busy and close to "tourist central." I generally work 3-4...
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Mental Illness Is Different For Everyone

Mental illnesses are not like chicken pox. You can't catch them. They don't just go away, and the symptoms and side effects are not the same for everyone.

A little over a week ago I started taking a different sleeping pill. Within 12 hours I was sick. I was nauseous. I felt like I had a fever. I was gagging. I had other "tummy troubles." It was horrible. I have felt that...
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Finding A New Roommate

I lucked out with my roommate. She is a peach. She is non-intrusive, yet caring. She was there for me during a major crisis. We agree on bills, etc. Plus, she can reach the high shelves. ;)

But, my roommate is moving out at the end of our lease at the end of August - which stinks. Now I have to find a roommate to fill her place. That person gets the master (I love...
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Why I Don’t Want To Be “Normal”

We spend so much time wishing our mental illnesses away and for what? They aren't going anywhere. We wish we didn't have to take medications. Wish there weren't side effects. Hate therapy. Get nervous about visiting out psychiatrist. All true for me as well.

But I don't want to be "normal" (whatever that is). It isn't that I choose to be mentally ill. I just am not wishing on every star in the...
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Adjusting To The “New” You

As many of you know, I used to live a very different life. I use to work on New York's fashion shows, style photo shoots, edit magazines, manage deadlines and people, attend social events, schmooze, etc. And you know what? I was quite good at it - juggling hundreds of balls in the air at one time.

But something happened. Somewhere along the way, mental illness entered the picture.

When I had my first...
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What Is The Trade Off?

I do a lot for my mental health. I take Thursdays off from my job to attend a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance weekly meeting and to go to my psychiatric appointments. That is time I could be working as a barista or finishing a writing gig or reading a book for a paid review - but I do it because it is important to my mental health.

I also (and it is okay if...
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Easily Overwhelmed


I am really great at a lot of things. Not bragging. I bet you are too. I make great cupcakes. I have a way with dogs. I’d like to think I do a pretty good job with my makeup. Unsure? See me skin bare. J

One thing I am NOT good at is handling situations with a lot of stimulation. It can be noise, light, people, a large number of something. Today...
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