General

Maybe I Can Help You Understand

If there is one thing that being mentally ill has taught me it is empathy. I understand what if feels like to feel worthless and hopeless and loveless. I know how it feels to be a creative genius, to believe that every thought I wrote or spoke was absolutely amazing. I know how wrong I can be. I know those feelings and so I know how others who experience them feel.

I have...
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I am ‘Crazy’ Right Now

I have been through a weird-sort-of-days. Where did it start or when or what? I am so confused.

I remember telling someone - my mom or dad, or maybe my friend - that I was feeling unwell. That is part of the thing, you forget everything - who said what and when.

I was unwell, noticeably (at least to me), for the past two days. Today I had to work as a barista. Tricky....
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I Am Not Sorry For Being Sensitive

I don't want to get political. I don't want to get into the black lives vs. all lives matter business. I just want to say that it affects me. I don't remember hate like this in the 90's or the 2000's. It seems fresh and real and raw and it hurts me.

Here is something I have learned about people with mood disorders, like bipolar disorder - we are very sensitive. We feel...
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Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day. If you live with depression or bipolar disorder, this may be a common statement, aaand it freakin' sucks.

Last I wrote I was in the midst of starting a panic attack. It went downhill from there. Later that night I felt depressed. I woke up yesterday to the hell that is depression. I was exhausted. I am not sure you really know what exhaustion is until you experience...
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What Does A Panic Attack Feel Like?

I am in the midst of the beginning of a panic attack. I think it is the residual stress from an 8 hour drive through the Great Smoky Mountains and beyond in thunderstorms and downpours. I don't do well with in-climate weather driving, especially alone.

So, physically I am shaking, especially my hands (making this harder to type). I keep touching my face, as though to soothe myself. There, just did it again. I keep taking...
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Maybe It Is Just Getting Older

My grandma is going through some repeating heart palpitations and shortness of breath. She has had a couple different x-rays and ultrasounds done and so far so good. She will have a procedure done this month where they put her under and shock her heart in hopes of getting it back to the right rhythm. Scary. Or maybe it is simply being 81. Maybe it is just getting older.

I have arthritis. I...
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No Kids Allowed

Hi. My name is Elaina J and I will never have children.

It is not that I am physically incapable, but I am not emotionally capable.

My parents are dying for grandchildren to spoil. My older brother has been married for a while. My younger sister is in her early thirties. There are expected to bring life into this world.

I am not.

When my mom started talking about wanting grandchildren I apologized that...
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I Have To Try

I got a new part-time job about a month and a half ago as a very busy barista. That was one of my goals when I moved here to Nashville, Tennessee. I wanted to learn latte art. I wanted to meet people. I wanted a job I could DO. But it hasn't been that easy. The store I work at is extremely busy and close to "tourist central." I generally work 3-4...
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Mental Illness Is Different For Everyone

Mental illnesses are not like chicken pox. You can't catch them. They don't just go away, and the symptoms and side effects are not the same for everyone.

A little over a week ago I started taking a different sleeping pill. Within 12 hours I was sick. I was nauseous. I felt like I had a fever. I was gagging. I had other "tummy troubles." It was horrible. I have felt that...
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