General

It Is Okay To Need Help

I need help. See, there it is. Not so hard to type; not so hard to say.

I made the decision, within two weeks of my lease ending, to terminate it and move back in with my parents. I left Nashville and came back to southern North Carolina. I was unwell. I NEEDED support and love and a load off.

I've been going through med changes for months now and currently am sleepy all...
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Just. Keep. Swimming.

In the initial chapter of my memoir I serve up a metaphor about swimming. The jist? Right arm, then left, kick as hard as you can, and just keep going.

That is what I feel like I am doing now, just with a breath snuck in from time to time.

You know me, I like to find the positives in the situations that I am presented with, but at this point, I honestly feel like...
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You Never Have Any Idea

Sometimes I wish we could wear signs: "Broken heart," "Diagnosed with cancer," "Just lost job," "Going through a mental illness episode." Everyone has something going on. Trust me. Everyone has his or her own dose of shit to deal with - maybe not all at the same time, but shitfests, nonetheless.

Right now is my shitfest and I feel like a lot of my support system members are being selfish assholes (pardon the language)....
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Maybe I Can Help You Understand

If there is one thing that being mentally ill has taught me it is empathy. I understand what if feels like to feel worthless and hopeless and loveless. I know how it feels to be a creative genius, to believe that every thought I wrote or spoke was absolutely amazing. I know how wrong I can be. I know those feelings and so I know how others who experience them feel.

I have...
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I am ‘Crazy’ Right Now

I have been through a weird-sort-of-days. Where did it start or when or what? I am so confused.

I remember telling someone - my mom or dad, or maybe my friend - that I was feeling unwell. That is part of the thing, you forget everything - who said what and when.

I was unwell, noticeably (at least to me), for the past two days. Today I had to work as a barista. Tricky....
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I Am Not Sorry For Being Sensitive

I don't want to get political. I don't want to get into the black lives vs. all lives matter business. I just want to say that it affects me. I don't remember hate like this in the 90's or the 2000's. It seems fresh and real and raw and it hurts me.

Here is something I have learned about people with mood disorders, like bipolar disorder - we are very sensitive. We feel...
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Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day. If you live with depression or bipolar disorder, this may be a common statement, aaand it freakin' sucks.

Last I wrote I was in the midst of starting a panic attack. It went downhill from there. Later that night I felt depressed. I woke up yesterday to the hell that is depression. I was exhausted. I am not sure you really know what exhaustion is until you experience...
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What Does A Panic Attack Feel Like?

I am in the midst of the beginning of a panic attack. I think it is the residual stress from an 8 hour drive through the Great Smoky Mountains and beyond in thunderstorms and downpours. I don't do well with in-climate weather driving, especially alone.

So, physically I am shaking, especially my hands (making this harder to type). I keep touching my face, as though to soothe myself. There, just did it again. I keep taking...
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