In my last blog I addressed the issue of teaching our kids the skills they need versus doing the skills for them. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is their independence.
Obviously, not every child on the spectrum has the same capabilities for being independent. That is a judgment call that only those around a child can make. But even then, there are differences in how one parent versus another sees their child’s abilities or one professional versus another.
My general philosophy is to give a child the benefit of the doubt, and slowly provide more and more support as they need it rather than the reverse of providing the support and then withdrawing it.
Although this will not work for all children, I have found that it’s easier to add supports where necessary instead of making our children dependent and then removing those supports.
Too often children become dependent on our continuous prompts, directions, and supports making it near impossible to think for themselves.
A strategy I often use (and teach to parents and teachers) is to learn to ASK your child the question they need to ask themselves, rather than telling them what to do.
After all, how many parents and teachers wouldn’t be happier if they could stop telling their children all the time what they needed to do? Some independence would be a welcome break for the adults and certainly a welcome skill for the kids.
For example, when you are getting a child ready for school, instead of saying, “get your backpack” or “do you have your books?” ASK, “What do you need for school?” and then after your child starts to understand this, which may take a day or weeks, start ASKING, “what question do you need to ask yourself before we leave for school?” Then, after a few days, wait and simply look at your child before heading out the door without asking any questions to see if he initiates the question on his own and get’s his backpack.
The quicker you can withdraw prompts, the easier it is to live without them. If a child knows he can always count on you to ask the questions, he never has to do it himself.
So often parents would come to therapy and say something like, “He just has to look at you and he does it, but I have to say it 10 times at home!” I suggest looking at who is teaching whom?
That’s not meant as a criticism of parents! So, please no comments about my not understanding. I do understand and I do get it. But, we have to start looking at what we do and how our actions influence our children regardless of their best intent.
If a strategy works – great. If it doesn’t – fine. We have to keep adding tools to the tool chest of strategies that can help our children adapt and develop into the best they can be and that means as thinking individuals and independent as possible for them.
photo credit: weconomy book
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If, my parents were aware of my true mental state, I don’t believe I would be the person I am today. Growing up I wasn’t held by the hand, guided through each day afraid I might get hurt or told things to help me understand.Instead I was free to run around outside, step on stickers, fall from a tree knocking the wind out of me, getting stung by a scorpion or ants, smelling the air after a rain or lying in the sun, feeling mud slim through my toes and so much more.A child with or without mental disabilities needs to be outside to explore their five senses, by experiencing fun, pain, exercise, and so much more.I have come across parents hold their child’s hand and the child is in their 20s and guess what I was more mentally challenged when I was a child. Parents are failing to allow their children to take risk.Parents with children without disabilities lets their children run free to take risk, this sharpens the brain and is a learning process needed for adult life.I see adults with nothing wrong with them unable to make good decision or afraid to do things outside their comfort zone. Now imagine this person having a child with autism?When I married my wife I wasn’t able to reason with what she needed relating to affection and love. Now 30 years later, I have this wonderful ability t feel affection for her and so much more. Psychologists can’t reason with this and so far I appear to be the only person who been able to do this.It started after 15 years, one morning I woke and my knee was touching her leg, all I could do was experience that touch, at that time that was all I could do. I was trying to understand what was happening, but, all that happened was that tiny little touch. It didn’t spread or do anything else.She started teaching about reading facial expressions, when somebody does something, and when to get excited, I was now on to learning a new way of living.Over the next ten years I had to think about what to do in order to react according to what just took place. This slowly turned into a feeling and today I get feeling and can respond to almost any situation without having to think.My brain is alive and I’m enjoying my new life at the half century mark. With my wife of 30 years I feel like a teenager in love. I have a lot of catching up.Don’t go with the flow or do as others are doing, make your own track, don’t follow the conversation, get out and be active, find something new to do everyday.Guess what? You maybe wrong about certain things, so, slow down and pay a little closer attention to smaller details about life.