A couple of days ago, Chuck wrote about diffusing, a technique to help handle critical comments in a non-defensive way. As he pointed out, strong emotions can clog up clear thinking. When you’re upset, angry, or scared, getting or giving feedback can become more difficult and less effective. Use diffusing when you are on the receiving line of negative feedback.
Diffusing involves making something less intense. When you diffuse, you search for a bit of truth in the negative comment and start there. It says that you are at least hearing and considering what the other person has to say. Here’s an example.
Jennifer has been having trouble concentrating lately because of anxiety. She worries about her children, her job, and her health. Distracted, she doesn’t always hear what Joe, her husband, is talking about. Joe is beginning to lose patience. He confronts Jennifer, “I seem to be talking to the wall most of the time. Don’t you care about me?”
In the past, Jennifer might have gotten defensive and told Joe that he didn’t understand her. Now, Jennifer uses the diffusing technique. She says, “It must seem like I don’t listen to you at times, I’m sorry. Honestly, I’m so distracted with my worries; I seem to be in a fog.”
Instead of an argument, Joe responds, “Let’s talk about your troubles. Maybe I can help you work some of them out.”
Diffusing softens the conversation and prevents bad feelings from escalation. The second technique is called buffering. To buffer means to reduce the impact or shock of something, in this case a critical comment. Use buffering when you want to express difficult feedback to someone else. Let’s say you want to provide negative feedback to a coworker or a friend. You start with a buffering comment such as:
By starting out with a buffering statement, you give the other person some room to consider what you have to say without getting defensive. Now we’ll follow a conversation in which both techniques are used. In this discussion coworkers get through work place tension and end on a positive note.
Mari sits in a cubicle next to Carrie. Carrie talks to her mother three times a day, her boyfriend at least six times a day and her aunt twice a day. Carrie laughs, talks loudly, and really interferes with Mari’s ability to concentrate. The boss has done nothing to stop all the personal calls and Mari is so upset by it that she has considered quitting. But, times are tough and jobs are few so Mari wants to find a better solution. She uses both buffering and diffusing to deal with the problem.
Mari sits down with Carrie in the break room and begins by using buffering, “Maybe I’m over reacting, but I find it hard to concentrate on my work when you are on the phone.”
Nonetheless, Carrie gets defensive and retorts, “You are overreacting. I need to talk to my family. This is your problem. The boss doesn’t care. Besides, you annoy me when you give me dirty looks.”
Mari diffuses by answering, “I probably have given you some dirty looks. I’m sorry about that.” She goes on the buffer by saying, “Again, maybe I’m overreacting a bit, but I really want to find a way for us to get along better. How about if you made most of your calls when I’m on breaks or lunch? And I’ll try to watch the expressions on my face.”
Carrie agrees to try.
This conflict resolved pretty quickly. Usually you’ll need to be prepared to engage in a series of buffering and diffusing statements to solve more complex issues. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself repeating the same points over time. But, if you persevere, you’re likely to find that buffering and diffusing gets you further than defensiveness and criticalness.
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From Psych Central's Drs. Laura L. Smith & Charles H. Elliott:
uberVU - social comments (April 23, 2010)
Prof.Lakshman (April 23, 2010)
From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 23, 2010)
From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 23, 2010)
Last reviewed: 23 Apr 2010
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