Maybe this is not the same thing, but I ask my therapist almost every week, sometimes more than once a week, sometimes several times a week if she is mad at me. And she always tells me no. I find it comforting for a minute but then after the next email or the next session I am back to wondering about it. And then worrying about it. And then obsessing about it. Until she says no again. And then the cycle starts again. It is quite vicious. So I found this article interesting. I am not entirely sure how to make it work for me but interesting still.

I can’t tell you if this is indicative of some specific disorder. However, I think you have correctly seen that this behavior does fit the pattern I am talking about. I encourage you to discuss this blog and this pattern with your therapist. You’ll probably experience a reduction in this worry if she agrees to stop reinforcing this reassurance seeking. However, be aware that your concern is also likely to increase at first, then it will slowly improve. Good luck!

Wow, thank you, this is really great advice and something I have never heard before, or thought about before. I really appreciate what you said. With my 13 year old, it’s about his anxiety of sleeping alone in his own bed and it has been going on forever. Reassuring him every way I can, and over and over again just does not help. like you point out, it seems to help for a few minutes, but then he comes running to my bed anyway. Even he tells me he knows what I am saying but that it doesn’t really help.
I am so tired of it. There was a time when I allowed him to sleep in my bed after he was really traumatized after his brother, he, and his father came back from a camping trip and found me unconscious behind locked doors in the bathroom. Patrick was sent to his room and he was sure I was dead. Then there was a time when his older brother was very scary while, and because, of the Luvox he was taking. (we of course did not know this until years later) so, it was also a way of protecting Patrick. But enough is enough. If you have any specific advice for me, I would love to hear it. thanks again, Katrin

Jill, I used to do the same thing with my therapist and I no longer see him but thought you may be interested in hearing about my experience.

He didn’t usually say ‘no’, and that was good because I don’t think it would have helped the least.

One thing he did do that helped was that he told me to look at him and tell him if he looks mad. This is not easy to do but very helpful because it means a lot more than words. you get to see the truth…really. When you see, what you see does not lie.

Another thing he used to ask me when I asked him if he was mad was if maybe I was mad at him, and he really had a point. like, at the end of a session, doesn’t it sometimes fit that you would be mad about being discarded? Anyway, think about it.

And as the doc says, it doesn’t matter how many times she reassures you, it won’t help, because ultimately you are the one who knows most of the time the true answer to this question yourself, and if you are really, really honest with yourself, you do know. you know a lot more than you think you know.

On the other hand, the transference is so damn stubborn, I completely understand how you are feeling.

Try to sort out by yourself what your therapist, or whom, she reminds you off and what situations, and you will know and then you can talk about this with her?

Good luck, Katrin

@Katrin: Thanks for sharing your perspective!

My son has always had the “last resort” option of sleeping in parents’ bed - now his mom’s bed (we’re divorced). At almost 13, he’s trying to kick it, but still wants to (at my house, he can only come to the couch in the living room outside my room), still into his mom’s bed at her house. He says he worries about being the last one awake, but can’t pinpoint why. He’s good at rationalizing, wants to kick the dependency he’s had since being an infant (and, yes, separation issues at school esp. preschool and primary) but doesn’t know where to start. He has to talk to his mom at least 2x/day when he’s with me, and also insists to her to “pick up your phone” as the last thing when departing or hanging up with her…
Any advice?

@Matt: Actually, going to a therapist who treats anxiety and/or obsessive compulsive disorder may be in order. Hopefully the therapist will also address family and parenting issues which can be brought to bear in a productive way. Good luck!

Thanks; we’re actually going today. He’s had about 6 sessions, but never have ‘labeled’ his distress with the therapist.

@Matt: Excellent. Hope it helps!

I have questions… i have a teenage son who was diagnosed 13 yrs ago w/ocd. We had him in bio behavorial therapy for several years, he made progress and we stopped therapy. It recently came to our attention he’s been illegally taking xanax. We put him in rehab, he’s there right now. They tell us he’s a drug addict….. i’m so lost. I need parents of kids like mine to talk to. I can’t accept that he’s drug addict. Why xanax? Is there any group you can recommend for me. Also we chose not to medicate as he was so young with his initial diagnosis but we started just this summer w/ prozac. He said he felt better but not free. I’m scared for him, i’m scared for our family. We need him to be ok to feel whole.
Alex

@Alex people with anxiety disorder, including OCD, are at great risk for addictions. It’s understandable because the substance gives an immediate reward of taking the edge off. However, as you know, this can lead to dependence and abuse. My friend and colleague, Dr. Brenda Wolfe coauthored Get Your Loved One Sober which is a wonderful resource for helping families cope with addiction. You might try your local chapter of NAMI for support and more information about groups. Take care.

My 17 year old son gets sick at the thought of going to school.I have made an appt. with a therapist for next week but do I still make him go.All we end up doing is fighting about this on a day to day basis.I do understand that he very well has an anxiety disorder but he is a senior this year and needs to graduate.Last year he was out sick for 5 months with mono and accute gastritis and when he went back to school the teachers where nasty to him.He was so exited to start his senior year but from the first day it has been hell for him.He gets very nervous and gets and upset stomach and he feels that he has to get out of there and come home.What do I do until he goes to the therapist.I am at my wits end,he is usually a very outgoing kid into hanging with friends and playing sports.He has told me that he has smoked pot to make him feel better and came home drunk last weekend.So not like him.I am trying to be as supportive as I can but I also have 2 other kids and I don’t want them to think that I am giving him his way and then they will do this to.People keep telling me he is faking but I don’t believe that at all.They don’t understand.Please help.

@lynn although I can’t give specific advice without personally evaluating your son, I am glad that you are seeking professional help. It is quite common for kids to have increased anxiety about school after getting ill and missing classes. For now, I would contact the principal or head counselor and set up a meeting to help him re-enter school with additional support. He may qualify for a 504 plan. There is a website called wrightslaw.com that has a section on 504’s. Good luck and keep trying…