This is the second installment concerning fears in parenting. In the last blog we were exploring what you can do to take some of the fear out of parenting. We began to look at the Eight-Fold Path to Enlightenment as applied to parenting.
Although these steps are not going to take away the worry and fear entirely, they can perhaps help you to position yourself in the most mindful manner. When parents are mindful they listen better, respond better, and react less. These things allow you to be the parent you feel good about being.
Here is the Eight-Fold Path again:
Earlier in the week we discussed Right View and Right Intention.
Right View is about seeing things just as they are. This is more difficult to do than one thinks. We are used to clouding a situation with judgment, bias, opinion, and, of course, our own fear.
Right Intention is about holding the space or intention of doing no harm. When we are operating with Right Intention as parents we don’t want to break the child, harm or hurt the child, enact revenge on the child, or cause the child to feel fear by our actions or reactions.
Right Speech refers to choosing words and communications that foster harmony and the best possible communication. The words people use are often filled with judgment, hatred, anger, and blame. These words are not Right Speech, but rather Wrong Speech. When speaking to children it is even more important to model a communication style you would want them to use. We don’t want our children using profanity and judgment out in the world. We are their first teachers of Right Speech. Right Speech embodies wanting to understand ourselves and others for the purposes of a more peaceful exchange.
Right Action is the behavior we choose with our children and others. Right Action is based on certain Buddhist precepts about the most harmonious way to live in life. In a very general way these precepts, as applied to Right Action in parenting, can be summarized as: respect for life, embracing generosity, avoidance of sexual misconduct or exploitation, seeking deep listening and loving speech, and consuming in a mindful manner, whether this be foods, avoidance of intoxicants, and in terms of the things we would choose to purchase.
Right Livelihood refers to choosing a manner of earning a living that does not violate any of the precepts. This applies in the parenting context because children are also learning by way of example. If you do not violate the precepts stated earlier and you can sleep well at night, your children will learn that this is possible for them as well.
Right Effort reinforces the avoidance of qualities such as greed, anger, and ignorance in favor of generosity, loving kindness, and wisdom. Children learn to work with anger and to have an alternate that you, the parent, have modeled for them.
Right Mindfulness is an art. When one is mindful they are fully present, not lost in worries, not swept up in anticipation, not consumed by indulgences, and not off and away in daydreams. Mindfulness involves letting go of judgments and viewing things just as they are while avoiding use of the subjective filter that people often apply to situations. We want to strive to allow for objectivity and avoid subjectifying situations or people. This is particularly important in parenting. Children cannot help but respond in a more positive manner. There is an old saying, “You can’t make someone fight who has put down the sword.”
Right Concentration is a bit tricky. In the simplest sense it refers to allowing your mental state to free you from feeling separate as a self. When we feel connected, our children benefit from the peace and harmony that exudes from this state. The home is more tranquil and conflicts are handled in ways that teach, rather than ways that harm or punish.
Enjoy and be in peace!
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