As many of you have guessed by now, I work with children and teens in my clinical practice. Children are fresh and wonderful. They almost always tell the truth as they know it, at least to me. I enjoy teens for their energy and passion. I find that children and teens make a lot of sense. I understand that parents don’t always agree. This is OK.

Over the years I have collected secrets from children. Some of these secrets are written down and hidden in obscure places throughout the therapy room. There are secrets taped behind the sofa, taped underneath the office desk up high where the legs attach to the desk top, and secrets floating amidst the plants that hang from the soffit that runs around the corner of the room.

Children write down what they cannot say. Or, they write down and leave with me what they cannot change. Sometimes they write down feelings, other times they write of events, and there are some who write down wishes. All of this is secret. I promise to keep their feelings until such time they are fine with us removing the secrets and deciding on what to do with them.

I have learned about what children care most about. I have paid attention to teenage struggles, which they explain with sincerity.

Here is a list of some of the things these children and teens have taught me:

I am not revealing their secrets, but rather revealing the truth represented in the secret.

1. Even when you know you did the right thing you will still get into trouble, at least from time to time.
2. All of your earliest beliefs are with you for the entirety of your life. We grow up; we don’t really change.
3. Mental illness is a form of adaptation. We figure out the best way we can to survive or we die.
4. We need life’s boundaries when we are in danger. The rest of the time they are excuses for something not being said.
5. Children already understand everything. As adults we need to support their knowing, not tear it down with fear, insecurity, and ego.
6. Things happen everyday in your life and the lives of your children that change how you feel about yourself and the world.
7. You cannot always keep your children from harm, but you can protect them. How? Pay attention to who and what they are.
8. Don’t rescue your children from this experience called life. Character-development depends on experiences, both good and bad.
9. Adolescence is not a disease. Teens will be fine if their parents move with them, not against them.
10. Parents err in wanting their teen or child to fit in. Fitting in can be dangerous.
11. Rules and structure are important in your child’ life. Base the rules on your moral compass.
12. Slow down and memorize the details of every person you say you love. Using what you see, love them from that place where you truly see them, not from your place of fear.
13. Parents, don’t be your child’s friend. Leave friendship to siblings or peers.
14. Life is the one opportunity you have to participate in passionate discourse with the ordinary magic of every day.

So, when thinking about parenting and your child or teen remember to think from the outside in rather than from the inside out. Children have much to teach us about who they are, about the world, and about us.

Enjoy!

More on secrets in an upcoming blog.

Nanette Burton Mongelluzzo, PhD
The secrets here were taken from a larger work by Nanette Burton Mongelluzzo titled, Shrink Wrapped.

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    Last reviewed: 16 Feb 2012