When I teach parent awareness courses I usually start with the question, “What is your worst fear as a parent?” It is an uncomfortable question and the faces in the audience search for a way to avoid the answer. They also want to provide an answer. The answer will break the silence concerning a secret they carry.
Parents typically respond:
My worst fear is that my child will end up doing something wrong and it will be my fault.
My worst fear is that my child will die and it will be because I didn’t do something right.
My worst fear is that I will die and my child won’t have a mother/father.
Fear is related to anxiety and anxiety is about something that has not yet happened that we fear will happen.
In the parent awareness groups we work with understanding the suffering parents experience. It is in their worry that we discover how parents translate their suffering into choices that do not succeed in what they want as a parent. Often, parents who feel anxious and afraid over-react, under-react, or become numb. It is not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder when someone is dealing with fight, flight, or freeze as their repertoire of choices.
The over reacting parent is often angry, controlling, blaming, shaming, and just plain upset. Over reaction with children is seldom due to the parent being a “bad parent,” but more often due to the parent not understanding how they are being triggered by their child’s behavior, manner, or even emotional responses or lack of responses. Triggers are not the cause, but the reminder of another time when something else happened of like kind. Over reacting will make a child feel unsafe.
The under reacting parent is often the best friend parent. Everything is cool including no curfew, no monitoring of the back patio door, no questions about friends, and few follow-ups as to where your child really is. The teacher expressed concerns are not followed up on or the teacher is somehow to blame. Feedback from other parents about your child is met with the same lack of real interest.The under reacting parent is also afraid, but handles the fear in a different manner then the over reacting parent. Under reacting will make a child feel unsafe.
The numb parent is checked out a good deal of the time. She may drink ice water all afternoon while watching television (ice water is code for a clear alcohol mixed drink). He may smoke so much marijuana that he cannot respond to what his children are saying. A numb parent is wrapped up inside of them-self and they can’t get out. Numbness is caused by fear and anxiety. Numbness will make a child feel unsafe.
Back to the issue of a parent’s worst fear. Parents fear that somehow they will harm or damage their child. They fear being held responsible for what their child does or becomes. This is a heavy load and one that likely did not begin with the advent of becoming a parent. Often, parents engaged in fear about their children are re-living what it felt like to be a child. They felt powerless, helpless, small, vulnerable, and they may have either shown these feelings, hid them, or pretended they weren’t there. They may have tried to deal with their feelings and their parents were unreceptive.
Just what do parents do with their fear?
Many therapists and authors encourage parents to learn how to be present in the moment. It is useful to learn how to harness those fears that want to create a state of suffering in you. Being in the moment does not mean you have forgotten or forgiven old pain. It means you are consciously choosing to look at each moment and situation presented to you with open eyes, clear eyes, and an open heart.
I am reminded of the Buddhist Eight-Fold Path to Enlightenment. In the Eight-Fold Path there are eight awareness’s. Here is the list:
The Right View as applied to parenting is about understanding or accepting things as they are. It simply is the situation that Johnny stole the $5 from grandmother’s purse.
The Right Intention as a parent speaks about letting go of your desires and consciously proceeding with good will and the intention of doing no harm. We do this by conducting ourselves in a manner that places our desires out of the way and proceeds with the intention of harming no one. Johnny stole the $5 and I don’t wish for anything. I don’t want to harm Johnny and I will proceed with good will in my conversation with him. I seek understanding. I see to understand Johnny and not have him feel fear.
We will explore more of the Eight-Fold Path as applied to parenting in the next blog.
Chime in and let me know what your worst fear is when it comes to parenting.
Thank you and Take Care.
Last reviewed: 30 Jan 2012
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Site last updated: 20 May 2012
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