Whether it’s learning to play the piano, to ace algebra, or to be a better friend, parent, or partner, the path to mastery is the same:

PRACTICE

And not just any kind of practice; what’s required is rigorous, highly-focused drill that targets precisely those skills in which one is most deficient.

This is called deliberate practice, and it’s the stuff that changes brains for the better.

[I've been devoting my Friday blog posts to the topic of Learning What We Already Know. There's a ton of wisdom out there in the world, and lots of it has been known for quite a long time but it needs to be passed along.]

The wisdom of Dr. Haim Ginott has had a huge impact on my life, ever since I read his classics: Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teenager.

I’m going to devote my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and Relationships. What makes people tick?

What do you most need in order to feel secure and loved?

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson suggest that you answer this question in writing, and then have this conversation with your partner.

In case it’s difficult to put your feelings into words, Dr. Johnson provides this list of phrases partners have named, and suggests you use these as a checklist or starting point:

I’m going to try devoting my Wednesday blog posts to the topic of What I’ve Been Reading. This is going to be easy because I’m always reading something.

Right now I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.

Dr Johnson brilliantly thought to apply Bowlby’s attachment theory (infant/parent bonding, the need for touch in order to thrive, etc) to adults, and developed her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

Johnson talks about “Solace Sex” in her chapter entitled Bonding Through Sex and Touch:

I’m going to try devoting my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and RelationshipsWhat makes people tick?

I’ve resolved to blog daily, and now already I had a hectic Tuesday and missed posting. So here comes a quick Tuesday blog post, on Wednesday.

I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, and this passage, about the trauma we feel when a loved one turns away from us at a time of great need, really got me. Why would someone who loves us abandon us as the very moment we need them most?

Lots of folks seemed to like my first five tips, so here are five more!

1. Avoid opening a can of worms. The act of helping can set off all sorts of power and control dynamics. Sometimes it’s more genuinely helpful to farm the task out to someone neutral. It’s one main reason parents use tutors like me; I’m a third party who can get their kid to do his homework without the power struggles.
2. Now’s not the time to teach a lesson. It’s tempting (especially if you are a parent or a spouse) to seize upon your loved one’s problem as an opportunity to drive your point home and (finally!) get them to shape up in some way. I keep in mind the words of Dr. Haim Ginott: When a person is drowning is not the time to teach him to swim. In a crisis, what is needed is rescue and comfort, not lessons or advice. There’s time for that later.
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They say that when the student is ready the teacher arrives. John Gottman’s new book, The Science of Trust, arrived in my mailbox last week, and if you’ve been following my posts since then you can infer that the timing was perfect.

And you’ll also have noticed that I’ve been wondering about romantic relationships among my generation, the baby-boomers.

I did the math, and the oldest of us, born in 1946, started their dating careers 50 years ago.

Younger boomers like me went on their first dates somewhere around 35 years ago.

By now, many of us have been married to our high-school sweethearts for decades. Whereas others of us have had, how shall I say it? “Less stable” love lives.

We’re caught in a trap

I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much, Baby.

-Elvis Presley

So you find this amazing other person…and the love is there…the chemistry is there…even the friendship / genuine liking / mutual enjoyment of one another is there!!!

And yet?…the relationship is a hell hole. Why?

Because romantic relationships also require a deep level of trust.

You don’t sleep around…and that makes you a loyal partner, right?

In fact, there’s a tad more involved.

In The Science of Trust, John Gottman states, clearly and simply:

A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance. (p 350)

Yes, sexual betrayal is one way of betraying your partner. But Gottman comes up with twelve more!

Read ‘em and weep (as I did)…and then use them as a checklist towards becoming a better partner (as I am in process of attempting):

Why do some relationships succeed, while others fail?

Why are some people lucky in love?… while others of us (equally warm, wonderful, valuable and lovable human beings!) endure one romantic train wreck after another?

Is it Fate?

Timing?

The random miss-alignment of the planets?