[On Saturdays my topic of focus is A Small, Good Thing, inspired by one of my favorite Raymond Carver stories.]

A big part of my identity is rooted in thinking of myself as a kind, caring, gentle and optimistic person…one who says supportive, positive things…a Tigger, not an Eeyore.

I’m uncomfortable saying anything that might come across as negative or unnice.  I hate the thought of hurting someone’s feelings or having them get angry at me.

[I've been devoting my Friday blog posts to the topic of Learning What We Already Know. There's a ton of wisdom out there in the world, and lots of it has been known for quite a long time but it needs to be passed along.]

The wisdom of Dr. Haim Ginott has had a huge impact on my life, ever since I read his classics: Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teenager.

I’m going to devote my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and Relationships. What makes people tick?

What do you most need in order to feel secure and loved?

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson suggest that you answer this question in writing, and then have this conversation with your partner.

In case it’s difficult to put your feelings into words, Dr. Johnson provides this list of phrases partners have named, and suggests you use these as a checklist or starting point:

I’m going to try devoting my Wednesday blog posts to the topic of What I’ve Been Reading. This is going to be easy because I’m always reading something.

Right now I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.

Dr Johnson brilliantly thought to apply Bowlby’s attachment theory (infant/parent bonding, the need for touch in order to thrive, etc) to adults, and developed her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

Johnson talks about “Solace Sex” in her chapter entitled Bonding Through Sex and Touch:

I’m going to try devoting my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and RelationshipsWhat makes people tick?

I’ve resolved to blog daily, and now already I had a hectic Tuesday and missed posting. So here comes a quick Tuesday blog post, on Wednesday.

I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, and this passage, about the trauma we feel when a loved one turns away from us at a time of great need, really got me. Why would someone who loves us abandon us as the very moment we need them most?

I am a huge fan of John and Julie Gottman, the couple who founded The Gottman Institute and have created so many effective, evidence-based interventions for couple therapy.

I pre-order John Gottman’s latest book, The Science of Trust, and devoured it as soon as it came out this summer.

When I really admire an author, I get curious about what they read and who they admire. And Gottman is very open about naming the people who have had an impact on his own work and discussing their ideas at length.

John Gottman considers the psychologist Dan Wile his mentor, so of course I wanted to read Wile, whose book, After the Honeymoon, turns out to be a treasure trove of wisdom and reassurance.

Summer is such a magical time, and it passes too quickly.

It’s the perfect time to start, or renew, your gratitude journal.

The concept is simple: There’s beauty and pleasure all around us, but we often don’t notice it or get enough enjoyment out of it, because we’re focused on all our pressures and problems.

Keeping a gratitude journal gets us to:

1. Change our focus and scan our environment for pleasures, not problems.
2. Notice and savor the good things, spend more time enjoying them.
3. Indulge in their details by describing them in writing.
4. Hold on to them by recording them.

I began actively retraining my focus in this manner many years ago, so that by now I automatically notice simple pleasures I dare say most people do not.

I’ve been blogging about trust this week, and I’ll be back to talking about trust and romantic relationships next time.

But tomorrow I’m giving  a talk entitled Math Success for All Students, and here’s what I plan on saying about trust as it relates to kids and parents:

Openness, visibility, day-to-day intimacy, fosters TRUST.

Back in 1990 I read Iron John, and Robert Bly’s theory about fathers and sons stuck with me. Bly suggested that throughout most of human history, children could see the work that their parents and other adults did. Hunter-gatherer societies were very public and transparent.

Bly believes that there is a basic developmental need for children to work next to their parents, see what their parents do and how they think and solve problems

You don’t sleep around…and that makes you a loyal partner, right?

In fact, there’s a tad more involved.

In The Science of Trust, John Gottman states, clearly and simply:

A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance. (p 350)

Yes, sexual betrayal is one way of betraying your partner. But Gottman comes up with twelve more!

Read ‘em and weep (as I did)…and then use them as a checklist towards becoming a better partner (as I am in process of attempting):

Why do some relationships succeed, while others fail?

Why are some people lucky in love?… while others of us (equally warm, wonderful, valuable and lovable human beings!) endure one romantic train wreck after another?

Is it Fate?

Timing?

The random miss-alignment of the planets?