The critical person enters the room, feeling irritable…and he scans the room, looking for something or someone to point to as the cause of his irritability.

I’m paraphrasing John Gottman from a wonderful 3-minute YouTube clip entitled The Best Predictor of Divorce.

I think it’s instructive to the critical person to enter the room…and find it empty. What will he do with his irritable feelings now?

Perhaps he’ll fill it right away with another lover, or with material objects. Perhaps she’ll clutter it with work or other busy-making activities.

But what if the critical person simply sits in the empty room and experiences the irritability? What might he learn about himself? Perhaps she’ll find that her feelings aren’t deadly and that, in fact, she is fine just the way she is.

And doesn’t this go for all of us? Spending some stretch of time alone, with no other person to affix our moods to and no external factors to blame for the way we feel…what might that teach us about our worries?…our melancholy?…and our happiness?

I’m going to devote my Saturday blog posts to the topic of A Small, Good Thing, after my favorite Raymond Carver story by that title (you can find the story in Raymond Carver: Collected Stories). I plan on sharing with you some of the small, good things that I come across as I live my days and weeks…and to invite you to do the same.

I have two offerings for you for this week. The first is this tiny, charming, Mary Oliver poem, from her collection entitled The Truro Bear. (So many of you seemed to enjoy the last Mary Oliver poem I posted, about her little dog, Percy).

I’m going to devote my Wednesday blog posts to the topic of What I’ve Been Reading. This is going to be easy because I’m always reading something.

I’ve been reading The Truro Bear, a lovely little collection of poems and essays by Mary Oliver. She writes about her encounters with animals in Truro, MA, a very special place for her (as well as for me!)

I’m going to devote my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and Relationships. What makes people tick?

What do you most need in order to feel secure and loved?

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson suggest that you answer this question in writing, and then have this conversation with your partner.

In case it’s difficult to put your feelings into words, Dr. Johnson provides this list of phrases partners have named, and suggests you use these as a checklist or starting point:

I’m going to try devoting my Wednesday blog posts to the topic of What I’ve Been Reading. This is going to be easy because I’m always reading something.

Right now I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.

Dr Johnson brilliantly thought to apply Bowlby’s attachment theory (infant/parent bonding, the need for touch in order to thrive, etc) to adults, and developed her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

Johnson talks about “Solace Sex” in her chapter entitled Bonding Through Sex and Touch:

I’m going to try devoting my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and RelationshipsWhat makes people tick?

I’ve resolved to blog daily, and now already I had a hectic Tuesday and missed posting. So here comes a quick Tuesday blog post, on Wednesday.

I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, and this passage, about the trauma we feel when a loved one turns away from us at a time of great need, really got me. Why would someone who loves us abandon us as the very moment we need them most?

So here’s one of Life’s ironies: Chronic loneliness sabotages love.

The condition of being lonely creates brain changes which result in self-defeating beliefs and negative attitudes, which in turn generate a self-fulfilling loop of relationship failure and further isolation.

So, the very people who need and crave love most, wind up being the folks least likely to be able to accept it.

They say that when the student is ready the teacher arrives. John Gottman’s new book, The Science of Trust, arrived in my mailbox last week, and if you’ve been following my posts since then you can infer that the timing was perfect.

And you’ll also have noticed that I’ve been wondering about romantic relationships among my generation, the baby-boomers.

I did the math, and the oldest of us, born in 1946, started their dating careers 50 years ago.

Younger boomers like me went on their first dates somewhere around 35 years ago.

By now, many of us have been married to our high-school sweethearts for decades. Whereas others of us have had, how shall I say it? “Less stable” love lives.

We’re caught in a trap

I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much, Baby.

-Elvis Presley

So you find this amazing other person…and the love is there…the chemistry is there…even the friendship / genuine liking / mutual enjoyment of one another is there!!!

And yet?…the relationship is a hell hole. Why?

Because romantic relationships also require a deep level of trust.

You don’t sleep around…and that makes you a loyal partner, right?

In fact, there’s a tad more involved.

In The Science of Trust, John Gottman states, clearly and simply:

A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance. (p 350)

Yes, sexual betrayal is one way of betraying your partner. But Gottman comes up with twelve more!

Read ‘em and weep (as I did)…and then use them as a checklist towards becoming a better partner (as I am in process of attempting):