[On Saturdays my topic of focus is A Small, Good Thing, inspired by one of my favorite Raymond Carver stories.]

A big part of my identity is rooted in thinking of myself as a kind, caring, gentle and optimistic person…one who says supportive, positive things…a Tigger, not an Eeyore.

I’m uncomfortable saying anything that might come across as negative or unnice.  I hate the thought of hurting someone’s feelings or having them get angry at me.

I’m going to devote my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and Relationships. What makes people tick?

What do you most need in order to feel secure and loved?

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson suggest that you answer this question in writing, and then have this conversation with your partner.

In case it’s difficult to put your feelings into words, Dr. Johnson provides this list of phrases partners have named, and suggests you use these as a checklist or starting point:

I’m going to try devoting my Wednesday blog posts to the topic of What I’ve Been Reading. This is going to be easy because I’m always reading something.

Right now I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.

Dr Johnson brilliantly thought to apply Bowlby’s attachment theory (infant/parent bonding, the need for touch in order to thrive, etc) to adults, and developed her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

Johnson talks about “Solace Sex” in her chapter entitled Bonding Through Sex and Touch:

I’m going to try devoting my Tuesday blog posts to the topic of Psychology, Human Behavior and RelationshipsWhat makes people tick?

I’ve resolved to blog daily, and now already I had a hectic Tuesday and missed posting. So here comes a quick Tuesday blog post, on Wednesday.

I’m reading Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, and this passage, about the trauma we feel when a loved one turns away from us at a time of great need, really got me. Why would someone who loves us abandon us as the very moment we need them most?

A dear family member teases me all the time about my coffee-drinking habit…and I know that person is smiling while reading this.

Here’s what happens:

1. As soon as I wake up I crawl toward that first cup of java. I can’t function without it!
2. Then, because the first felt soooo good, I down a second cup.
3. And then I am AWAKE!!! And all revved up! And I get going on a bunch of projects and thoughts and errands, all at once…
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Lots of folks seemed to like my first five tips, so here are five more!

1. Avoid opening a can of worms. The act of helping can set off all sorts of power and control dynamics. Sometimes it’s more genuinely helpful to farm the task out to someone neutral. It’s one main reason parents use tutors like me; I’m a third party who can get their kid to do his homework without the power struggles.
2. Now’s not the time to teach a lesson. It’s tempting (especially if you are a parent or a spouse) to seize upon your loved one’s problem as an opportunity to drive your point home and (finally!) get them to shape up in some way. I keep in mind the words of Dr. Haim Ginott: When a person is drowning is not the time to teach him to swim. In a crisis, what is needed is rescue and comfort, not lessons or advice. There’s time for that later.
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Nat writes:

…if someone hurts you in a way that you would never hurt anyone else, how you do stop yourself from mentally adding ‘but I would never do what they did’?

Forgiveness is a thing you do for yourself, because you ideally wish for your internal landscape to be as free and open and unencumbered as possible.

Every hurt or grudge you hold onto is like putting a wall around a patch of your own internal emotional terrain. You gain security but you sacrifice emotional acreage. You become less open, less generous, less available, less free. Your world becomes smaller.

I’m discovering that the biggest chunk of the work involved in forgiveness is that of untangling my own cognitive distortions.

I jumped to conclusions about what comments or behaviors meant….and then felt hurt.

So did _____ really hurt me? In so many instances, it was actually my own thoughts  that hurt me!

Here’s an assignment from a fourth-grade student’s homework that has helped me get much clearer:

Read the following statements, and label each statement fact or opinion.

1. George Washington was the first President of the United States. (fact)
2. George Washington was the greatest president we ever had. (opinion)
3. Cats have whiskers. (fact)
4. Cats are sneaky. (opinion)

Facts are things or events that exist (or existed) in External Reality.

I’ve just begun reading Wounds Not Healed by Time, by Solomon Schimmel, in which he explores the psychic rewards and also the hard work of forgiveness.

Unlike physical injuries, the wounds of betrayal don’t just fade away over time. If anything, the emotional injuries that happen between people tend to become worse when left unaddressed.

This is because people ruminate; we replay negative events over and over and over in our heads, entrenching them ever more deeply in our neurons.

And as we rehearse these negative experiences, we also distort them little by little with each rehearsal, so that we wind up creating memories that are worse than what really happened. These memories are emotionally charged and feel vivid and REAL to us.

You don’t sleep around…and that makes you a loyal partner, right?

In fact, there’s a tad more involved.

In The Science of Trust, John Gottman states, clearly and simply:

A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance. (p 350)

Yes, sexual betrayal is one way of betraying your partner. But Gottman comes up with twelve more!

Read ‘em and weep (as I did)…and then use them as a checklist towards becoming a better partner (as I am in process of attempting):