I’m discovering that the biggest chunk of the work involved in forgiveness is that of untangling my own cognitive distortions.

I jumped to conclusions about what comments or behaviors meant….and then felt hurt.

So did _____ really hurt me? In so many instances, it was actually my own thoughts  that hurt me!

Here’s an assignment from a fourth-grade student’s homework that has helped me get much clearer:

Read the following statements, and label each statement fact or opinion.

1. George Washington was the first President of the United States. (fact)
2. George Washington was the greatest president we ever had. (opinion)
3. Cats have whiskers. (fact)
4. Cats are sneaky. (opinion)

Facts are things or events that exist (or existed) in External Reality.

Opinions are connections, relationships, conclusions, that a person makes in his or her head, which then may become part of his or her Internal Reality.

Here’s where things get tricky:

• The emotional system doesn’t make a distinction between facts and opinions. For example, if my partner criticizes me, I get upset. And if I  imagine my partner criticizing me, I also get upset.
• This means that we all have the unfortunate capacity to torture ourselves, simply by forming painful opinions, thoughts, conclusions. For example, I can worry all day about whether or not my partner will criticize me tonight. I’ll then be upset all day and in a terrible mood by the time he gets home, and he’ll be very confused (because, although in my Internal Reality he was criticizing me all day, in External Reality he was at work, thinking nice thoughts about me and eager to get home).
• Feelings are facts! Thoughts may be opinions, but the feelings they produce are real. Just because those feelings only exist in one person’s head doesn’t make them “imaginary.” (This is why we talk about the importance of validating other people’s feelings…more on this some other time!)

Read each statement and label each one fact or opinion:

1. I wanted to make love but my partner went to sleep (fact)
2. I felt rejected. (fact; feelings are facts!)
3. My partner rejected me. (opinion)

Here’s the beautiful thing I noticed: Opinions are options! They’re choices! I can change my opinions if I want to!

And if I can substitute better opinions for the ugly, negative ones…my feelings will change, because my feelings are connected to my thoughts!

• Instead of “My partner rejected me”…let me try:
• My partner was tired.
• My partner was preoccupied.
• My partner didn’t get my message.
• My partner loves me and wants to please me, and next time I will try being clearer about what I want.
• My partner is human.
• My partner didn’t mean to hurt me.

So, I’m finding that a great deal of forgiveness entails sorting out the opinions from the facts, and then examining and replacing the opinions I don’t want to hold onto.

[photos of beach roses in June, LisSurMer, Cape Cod]

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011