Love, Lying and Trust

#1. Defuse the Power Struggle

People in general hate being told what to do, and some people are more stubborn about it than are others. For some of us (I must admit to being one of these people), a complaint from our lover immediately gets received as if it were criticism, or judgment, or a lacking of faith in our good sense, or an attack on our pride, or an attempt to control us, or all of the above!

We then get so wrapped up in being defensive, we lose our ability for empathy and perspective, and we dig our heels in even deeper about whatever it is we’re being asked to change.

Many of my students (and they tend to be the boys) are extremely prickly and defiant, and they will cling to counter-productive habits as badges of independence and identity. It’s common for my struggling math students to write sloppily, or in pen, or to insist they can do all the math in their head;  these are all poor practices which produce needless errors, yet these kids insist on doing it their way.

I learned a long time ago to not make a federal case over these things, because the more I nag, the longer it will take the kid to give these habits up!

I’ll make a suggestion once or twice, phrasing my words carefully so as to minimize any ruffling of their dignity, (ex: Perhaps if you wrote this problem down it would be easier to see what to do next.) and then I’ll let the matter drop. (Kids aren’t stupid or deaf, they hear me just fine, and if they don’t react it’s because they’re not ready to react, not because I didn’t talk loudly enough.)

I find that if I don’t push, those bad habits tend to just fade away on their own. After all, it really is better to write neatly, use a pencil, etc, and kids get tired of making mistakes and screwing up.

The same may be true for Susan B’s boyfriend. After all, opposite-sex friendships are often NOT fun. The complexities, the misunderstandings…that subtle simmering undercurrent of disgruntlement from exes demoted to “just friends” status…the constant worry about potentially “leading someone on”…

Just like insisting on doing math problems in pen, once the thrill of defiance is removed the actual activity of maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex may become more trouble than it’s worth. And the cost in terms of how it’s eroding his primary relationship might become more visible.