Here’s my rendition of a joke most therapists know very well:

Fred and Barney are having a few drinks in the neighborhood bar, and Fred decides it’s time to go home. He says good-night and stumbles out the door towards the parking lot.

Half an hour later, Barney also calls it quits and heads out the door. He’s surprised to find Fred still out there on the sidewalk, searching the ground under the streetlamp directly in front of the bar’s entrance.

“What are you doing?” Barney asks.

“I dropped my car keys! I’ve been looking and looking, but I can’t find them!” moans Fred.

Barney helps Fred scour every square inch of the ground in front of the bar, but the keys are definitely not there.

“Are you sure you dropped them here, Fred?”

“Here?” replies Fred. “Why, no. I’m pretty sure I dropped them back there.” Fred points towards the dark parking lot.

“Then why are we searching here, under the streetlamp!?!” exclaims Barney.

“Because here the light’s so much better!” Fred explains.

I can think of countless examples of people “solving” problems in ways that are easy, ego-boosting, comfortable, convenient, or stress-free for them. But the solutions then miss the mark, waste time, and make the problem worse.

• A parent nags and criticizes his child for having bad grades, instead of sitting down and working on homework together
• An executive spouts her brilliant business ideas at every staff meeting, but she never institutes any of them
• A spouse nitpicks and points out his partner’s every tiny flaw, instead of making changes in his own life
• A manager makes lists of what’s wrong, but doesn’t get involved in fixing them

Most problems require hands-on involvement and costly investments of time, effort and patience. Seldom are words of wisdom, criticism or advice all that is needed.

Do you have a difficult relationship in your life? If so, how much talking and other ineffective pseudo-effort is being invested in it?

Can you pitch in and do the hard work of real change instead?

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (August 19, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 18 Aug 2010